Hop's Thoughts

Sorry, I had to do it.  You guys know me, I'm an open book.  Since Tuesday or Wednesday or whatever day it took place, the feedback I've been getting (remember, I'm blocked, I can't "stalk") has been hilarious. The people who have jumped on the bash Hopper bandwagon are a collection of people I wouldn't piss on in a fire.  And the one's who have made comments about this person have done so privately and without any contempt.  They truly feel sorry for this sad person who obviously got so much more out of our debates than I did.  That being said, I'll miss the banter, when it was kept on topic, but this person always made it personal, then ran screaming and crying when the personal attacks were rebutted. Despite his religious claims of holding no anger in his heart, anyone who read his posts, especially his comments on web pages, knows he is filled with hate and rage.  I on the other hand, do not believe in God, do not believe in this internal goodn...

In my entire life I've never wanted a gift more than time with my family during the holidays, especially Thanksgiving.  Even the thought that one of my family members would give up free family time to wrestle for toys, clothes and other items, slightly sickens me.  Throughout my life, I've been very happy for all that I've had and never wanted for anything more.  I've wanted to give more, but never once have I craved an item to fulfill my life.  Not even as a child.  When I was younger, I asked for one thing every year.  A new Nerf football.  That was my Christmas/Hanukkah list every year. While glimpsing at the news on my phone and reading of bomb threats, brawls and alleged shootings, it saddened me that in my brief life, the world has become such a materialistic place.  Every morning Facebook sickens me with pics and posts of engagement rings, new cars, vacation spots and other shows of decadence, while millions can't even put a tuna sandwich...

The description on Netflix was very misleading, but despite the sometimes muddled subplot, the movie is powerful beyond expectations. Matthias Schonhaerts is magnificent as the brooding lead. His scenes spent alone are chilling, especially those spent in his inner sanctum, a bathroom equipped with as mini fridge. The entire story is really about three characters plagued with inner demons caused by one horrid event. One it has changed so drastically he becomes the one thing he never wanted to be, one fights regret and her disdain for the men she views as animals and the other fights cowardice, with possibly another hidden secret. The pain they each feel is displayed perfectly. The subplot that attempts to tie the movie together waivers at times, but it is just a vehicle to allow the real story to come together. The devotion Schonaerts showed the role was amazing and shines through. The film is also beautifully shot which adds so much to the picture. While the subplot sometimes masks th...

Insomnia is dreaming while you're awake. Insomnia is dozing off for seconds that feel like forever. Insomnia is hearing the hum of the refrigerator like a marching band's drum. Insomnia is feeling your eyelids Insomnia is the painful awareness of time Insomnia is fear of schedules. Insomnia is heightened sensory perception Insomnia is thinking about the phone bill 30 times in 30 minutes. Insomnia is having that mistake played over constantly. Insomnia is knowing how often you pee. Insomnia is constant thirst. Insomnia is pain, itchiness and general discomfort. Insomnia is the neighbors dog, cat or late night footsteps. Insomnia is worrying that even if you do fall asleep, it won't be enough. Insomnia is never being tired, but never being awake. Insomnia is what keeps you going, until it tears you down. Insomnia is waking up in a strange place, only to find it is home.

I grew up with Noah Baumbach during the 4th through 8th grade and have enjoyed his vision. His realistic dialogue, captures the characters insecurities, their strengths and their quirkiness. It's easy to dismiss Frances Ha as another hipster love story, but that would be to dismiss Miss Gerwig's incredible performance. To call her a lovable loser would also be dismissive. To give up on your dreams, even more importantly, what brings you happiness, just in order to "be an adult" is heartbreaking. Gerwig is so effective and controls every scene with the mastery of a seasoned vet. Three scenes stick out, but the ATM scene was masterful. Her expression, her defeated look and her resolve, took a moment in everyone's life we take for granted and makes it a major life decision. Amazing to see a nuanced film with such incredible performances from relative unknowns.

Almost a month since my last blog. Haven't really been feeling it recently. Don't want my reality to be misconstrued as negativity. The reality is that life's getting harder to deal with. The physical pain is causing mental pain, more in the form of anxiety. Sleep is once again foreign, unless some serious sedatives are in order, but that is causing its own issues.  I'm treading water, but the weather seems to be getting worse and the waves getting bigger. Staying afloat is more of a chore than a mission, or act of survival. With movies, my kids and a smaller handful of friends than usual, I keep my ahead above the tide. Sometimes it seems useless as the inevitable is bound to happen. I find solace in knowing those around me are well, or at least better off, but they need to be. Others count on their strength and survival. The walls I've talked about pressing in seem tighter. The metaphor isn't really one at all, as the space that confines me seems more like...