Hop's Thoughts

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to  succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.”  ―  Abraham Lincoln People love to start off sentences with bold statements such as "I am no better than anyone else, but..." and there is only one word of importance in that entire introduction to their following thought, but. The short, succinct word negates what they had just said and prefaces what they really feel. I find myself saying it out loud, but in my mind, I truly believe, in that singular instance, I am better, not than all, but than most. Yesterday, I made a decision, which in my mind, negatively affects me. I made the decision based on essentially three factors, one hypothetical, one probable, and one financial. Most of the time, in my search for a new place to live, the very real deterrent for a landlord is my cat. The very real deterrent for me is, I'm broke. This person was willing to work with my financial issues, but neede...

I have only had an anxiety (or panic) attack twice. Once was severe, I was not at home, and I was pretty sure I was dying. I ended up laying down in the middle of the kitchen floor, in someone else's house, while they slept. I didn't even know this person that well and the sight of me, drenched in sweat, had to be a little disconcerting. I also realized that after it was over, I had to use the bathroom, like never before. Something I've confirmed is an odd side effect shared by many. The second time was much milder but still scary. This feeling of helplessness, pounding chest, hyperventilation, and a serious feeling of disorientation. The same side effects occurred immediately after. The one thing that has always made me question whether all these people on social media battling anxiety or telling the truth or not is this: Both times, I was completely ruined for the day. I was shaky, out-of-sorts, scared, alone, despite the time being with someone, and about as vulnerable...

“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.”  ―  Fyodor Dostoevsky If I, or any of us for that matter, were to look at where we are now and then look back each year to that exact time, how many years can we say were really any different from the year before? Notice how I didn't say years , because if one looks at themselves five, ten, twenty years or more back, we obviously change, but out evolution into who we are today, right now, is a slow process. Last year at this time, I was in the exact same place, the same predicament, sans having to move, same gripes, same failures, same short term ambitions, and a very similar emotional state. The year before, slightly different, but very similar surroundings, just another locale. The year before that, while miserable, both mentally and physically, the typical day was not much different. These past few years did bring joy, in the form of a beautiful niece and nephew, but they are too many miles away to aff...

Midnight, or soon after. That's when the thoughts start. I think about all things people "say," quotes because these days, saying is rarely in the form of verbalization. Confirmation that it will work out, because it has for them, in their triumphs over nothing even remotely similar. I'd rather they just say "Whatever!" I do not mean to allude that I am special, nor do I wish to minimalize other's struggles, but I also know empathy is learned and today's version is an involuntary sympathetic term. Much like us westerners misuse Karma, empathy seems to be a foreign concept, often viewed as a weakness of the will, in this testosterone-laced culture of ours. If Karma were a thing, I'd apologize daily for my past lives' mistakes, there must have been many. I'm trying to right that ship in this one, learning too late, as lessons often are. I read poems last night about resilience. All came across as abstract, as one man's battles rarely ...

I was just reading about Joan Trumpauer Mullholland who, at 19, was arrested in Virginia for protesting segregation. She was tested for mental illness, because law enforcement couldn't understand any other reason why she would fight for black people's rights.  The story isn't about Virginia or law enforcement, but about how we've somehow lost sight of the fact that the Civil Rights Movement was so recent, most of our parents were adults during it. Slavery was during our great grandparents lifetime.  The article/post I just read was to make the point that many white people today say that if they were alive back then, they'd be like Ms. Mullholland or others earlier on who helped free slaves, but then poses this very simple thought. If you'd be these people then, what are you doing now? These stories are not about characters in a play or a movie, but real-life people who couldn't hang up their costumes at the end of the day. This is the very privilege we a...

I am fat. Clinically, I'm considered obese. At one point last year, I was 107 pounds less than my heaviest weight and I was still fat. I've gained weight since. I'm not going to go into all the scientific proof or empirical data I've collected to prove my point, I'm just going to give you a list of things I saw in my time shopping yesterday. Three people on motorized scooters, all non-senior citizens, all over 300 lbs. Multiple signs for junk food that boasted BOGO - Buy One, Get One Ice Cream Sales Galore These Signs: 1. All You Can Eat Wings 2. Buy One Milkshake, Get a Free Donut 3. Buy One Large Pizza, Get Free Bread Sticks 4. Two-liter soda with purchase of $20 of gas 5. Free Soda with an order of large pizza and one dozen wings Cart after cart filled with microwave meals Almost every bread product was on sale No Health Food Section The Two Biggest Aisles? Soda and Beer, Cereal & Pancake, Waffles, Syrup Candy at the checkout counter ...

It's been a while since I've disliked someone as much as I dislike my housemate. There are eight upcoming games between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees and while I miss my old crew to watch games with, I am excited. This was a tough three days, made much easier by a special friend. The title of this blog is a little self-pointed mockery, being that days don't really matter that much when you're broke. You're not going out, so it may as well be Monday every day. I watched almost the entire proceedings of both Mueller hearings and my biggest takeaway is that our country is completely fucked because of the self-interest of both parties and those who will protect a man over the integrity of his position and the oath he swore to uphold.  If God truly loved us, peanut butter and alcohol would make us lose weight.  The sound of the air conditioner is nearly as important for those who love A/C as the cool air that is supposed to come from ...

Good Morning Mom, I'm sorry I have to write, but well, you know. First off, let me just start by saying I miss you. It's cliche to say I think about you every day, but I do. I didn't think this would be true, but it is. Times have been rough for me lately and your absence makes me realize that you were always the person I confided in most. I trusted you, even when I disagreed. You weren't always right and quick to admit it. I'm still learning that one. I'm a little lost right now, so I'm sending you this message, in the hopes that this blog, which you'd have printed out for some odd reason, will work as some sort of catharsis. You've missed a lot. Some wonderful, some not so good. You'd be furious at Dad for how he and I are now. You'd ask me to be the bigger man, as you always did, but I can't this time. You know my limits. Owen and I don't speak often, but more because he is who he is and I am who I am. Had you stuck around, we...

Lists, they're so cliche. Top 3, 5, 10, 25, 100. Who cares? I think we like the order, simplicity, and familiarity of lists. I think the choice to read a heading and not the content has become an American thing, but I have no data to back this up. The concept of lists is not what I'm here to do, so without further adieu, here are the ten things I ask myself every day. Side Note: These are questions as of late, not through the annals of my time on Earth. 1. How would my life be different had my mother not passed away 15 years ago (this week)? 2. How have I failed my brother and his family? 3. What if I had finished school? 4. What if I hadn't sought change just for the sake of change? 5. How can I be a better person for others, but most of all, for myself? 6. Is it really that important to be happy at work? 7. Why do I allow other people's issues and personalities to consume me? 8. Wil the next fifteen years resemble the last and if so, do I even want to ...

In the beginning, God created... Aren't we quite conceited to believe that our home and heaven have shared a coetaneous growth? How then do we explain man's disregard for his current home, with any false hope of achieving membership into God, her son, and the angels' home? God created light, the oceans, and rivers, along with the sky, then land, whether it be desert or mountains, trees, plants, and all types of vegetation. She then created day and night, created the stars and the moon to illuminate and protect all from the darkness. She then created animals, to roam the land, fish to swim in the waters, and birds to soar in the sky. After all this, she created man. Now, if one were to read the parable of our creation literally. I mean, if one were to actually pay attention to ALL of the words in this section of Genesis, one would know, that God, in the very words of the Bible, wanted man to be vegan. She declared that man would rule over the animals, fish, and the birds...

The perfect home, for me, needs just four things. A space to sleep, to bathe and use the toilet, and to cook. I've often thought about how, had my old studio, which was 182-square-feet, with the bathroom making up over one-quarter of the total space, been set up differently, with natural sunlight, in a different setting, it might have been perfect. I'd take those dimensions now, as long as it had the one missing element. Outdoor seating. A deck, a porch, a screened-in or glass-encased place to view the world. A tree, birds, rabbits, or deer. A place for my cat to explore and for me to enjoy a sunrise and later, a sunset. An area big enough for a bistro table, as I might enjoy the occasional visit or conversation. I would take this surrounded by other homes, but perfection would be remote, a dirt road, a field, some forest area, the unknown lurking back at me. This is all I need and my house would become a home. I've lived in many places over the last few years, but it's...

Cliches have always been a big part of daily conversation. Social media has made them obnoxiously prevalent. While my current least favorite cliche is "to the moon and back," not only for its eye-roll-inducing silliness, but for the ignored limitation on one's claim. In a universe so vast and wide, the trip to the moon and back is quite short in comparison to say, anywhere else. So why would anyone boast their love or feelings only spans where man has been? While watching Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru, which means "To Live," it dawned on me that our view, Americans that is, is very limited. Think of a similar movie in American cinema and one immediately comes to the Christmas classic It's a Wonderful Life.   If one were to be aware of their impending doom or, in the case of George Bailey, see life if he'd never existed, you quickly realize that the bulk of the Capra movie is about self-adulation and ego. Sure, it's shown through flashbacks of selfless...

Let's be honest about one thing and if you can't be honest with yourself, then you're not going to be honest with others. Religion, regardless of your affiliation, is based on the trust and honor of a series of philosophical laws, meant to keep the masses controlled. Within these laws are basic human principles that govern all of us, not so ironically, much like those who wrote The Bible, except for those in power. Christianity, more than any religion, has been used by a government to scare people into submission to power. In today's America, it is the single most un-Christlike religion in the all of Christianity. If you've read the Bible, it's no secret that immigration has been an enormous theme throughout. While often overlooked, the mere existence of Hell is proof that not all are accepted within. God himself/herself/itself created turned away those who believed they were his equals, much like our government is turning away those who simply want to be apar...

2019 has been an odd year for me in terms of movie watching. I've re-watched a lot more movies than in years past and I've watched a lot more series and stand-up comedy. I've needed the laughs and thanks to the likes of Chris D'Elia, Doug Stanhope, and especially Iliza Shlesinger, I've laughed a lot. I've also tried to catch up on the Marvel Universe, and while I'm in the minority, I'm not so thrilled with this decision. Below my list, I'll give you the top five films I saw for the first time in 2019, well half of it, and the bottom five. I'll also give you my biggest surprise and my biggest letdown. Bird Box - Tense, amazing acting, social commentary, homages. It lived up to the hype! Marvel: The Avengers - Fun, tons of action, corny humor. Comic book comes to life Avengers: Age of Ultron - nowhere near as much fun as The Avengers. Spider-Man: Homecoming - Great fun despite the lack of a bigtime villain. Avengers: Infinity War - Action-packed...

One might think I am about to reminisce, a long-ago time when arms and legs were toned and strong. There may have been an ab sighting, I do not recall. My youth was filled with active days and drinking nights, usually ending up with me missing a trash can or the toilet if I was lucky enough to get home in time at all. I was heavyweight in appearance, but a lightweight in my abilities to handle beer, let alone alcohol. Then when night, after too much of everything, I got the sickest I had ever been. I swore off drinking, as we all do, and that lasted but a week. A strange thing did occur though, and for the life of me, I cannot explain. Seemingly, in one moment, I built a tolerance and I never got sick again. Not a single time. That was well over a decade ago. I went from being able to drink a 12-pack to being able to knock down a case or more, with a few shots to boot. Then, even more shockingly, I was able to drink booze and way too much of it. Responsibility was not always my forte, ...

If anyone should read this, please understand that yes, I know, this is minor. That is the point entirely. Let me give a brief description of my living situation for anyone who may not know. I've been living for two and a half years with a married couple, both men, their dogs, my cat, and over the course of the past two years, a combination of three other tenants. I've also experienced periods of time when it felt as if their young grandkids lived here more than some of the tenants. That actually was a pleasure. One must also understand that I pay more than the other tenants, due to a slightly larger bedroom. After a little more than a year, they bought a new house, and to my surprise, they offered me a room in this one. I much prefer the old one, but personal preference is not my complaint. To my bigger surprise, when we moved, a change occurred. To the two self-diagnosed sufferers of OCD appeared to lose all desire to clean; anything! The last time I saw them clean was Apri...

I used to write blogs titled "Random Thoughts" a lot in the past. Turning down the thermostat is probably a good idea before you install the A/C Over the past 18 months, I've probably started the dishwasher 60% of the time. I've unloaded it about 97% of the time. Finding work without owning long pants is harder than looking for work without a degree. Neighbors who don't wave back are one of the reasons I hate people. Since becoming vegan, I've noticed animals, some wild, are willing to get much closer to me. I don't think most people know what it's like to have a parent you don't speak with. Most people respect and want to hear your opinions; right up until they disagree with you. A second point. Do you ever realize how people judge other's intelligence by the level of agreement they have with them? Social media's rapid-fire overload of information has changed our ability to hold onto joy and anger. I sincerely believe ...

I have to move, but where do I look? Over the past few weeks, I've looked as close as one-tenth of a mile away from where I am now and up to 12 miles away. That's a narrow window of opportunity I am giving myself. The reasons? I worry about my car making it through another Central New York winter and the public transportation is a confusing maze of connections and times that would be a great detriment to my sanity. I also feel compelled to return to a job I love, for the kids, but which last year, brought on as much stress as I've had to endure in the workplace in almost a decade. It aged me. I can feel it. So why am I here? I am not necessarily happy, either at work or at home. I do not have what anyone would call friends here. I have what was once known as family, but those relationships have drifted considerably. I have no love for the beauty of the area, as I've been here long enough to take it for granted. So I'm here for the kids, in part, because I feel my...

Over ten years. Over 1300 blogs. This morning, I wanted to write a movie review about Richard Harris' role as Frank Manchin in This Sporting Life. I then thought about posting my ten favorite films of this year, January to June. I then reread a blog where I predicted the end of Andy Roddick's career, after his heartbreaking, soul-crushing loss in the 2009 Wimbledon final. Finally, I took some time to think about my procrastination, not in the blog format, but in life in general. I realized I don't have writer's block, because who the hell cares if I write another blog ever again? I make up these obstacles. Walls, as my mother described them, always putting something in front of the task at hand. I've long wanted to write a screenplay, a novel, a short story, but nothing ever materializes, even though I once sat down on a Sunday morning and cranked out 27 handwritten pages, nothing ever grew from it. I do this with searches, conversations, relationships, and even i...

I cannot remember my 45th. It was the first birthday away from the place I'd called home for 30 years. I am sure there was some festivity, but I do not recall. My 46th was spent alone. Inner turmoil had started to spill out, while my physical state had deteriorated to the point that walking, even from bed to the bathroom, was a chore. A change of scenery, a recent life-changing surgery, and my 47th would be spent with a longtime friend. It was also the first time I shared a drink with another in quite some time. I hobbled to a waterfall, sat at a bar, even lounged in a hot tub shortly after. Again with my 48th, a new locale. A more festive time, but a summer of lounging, scraping by, reading, movies, and surrounded by solitude. My year would change within the next six months, and within a year, my 49th would approach. A relaxing time with another, but the ever-present knowledge that all that I've known over the last two and a half years would be changing. For a few days I could...

If you know me in person, you know my first reaction to most things is an attempt at humor, often using sarcasm, which may or may not be kind. I also completely understand the psychology behind me continuous use of humor when showing gratitude and this is due to the discomfort I get from others doing for me. I should add, I recently wrote a social media post about the constant and consistent misuse of thankfulness, gratefulness, and the oft-misused term of being blessed.  I realize how we react to things, especially when people do for us, says more about who we are than any other factor. Our first reactions speak volumes and this is why, if we use humor or mocking irreverence, it's important that we know our audience. I don't always do this successfully, especially when I am truly thankful (not grateful).  The thing that has struck me in my life recently is those who seem to go the extra mile to show, not only no thankfulness or gratitude, but to complain about the one or f...