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What Is A Life?

Last week was my birthday.  A fun time.  A joyous time.  A few drinks and laughs with friends and a kiss from a beautiful girl.  Life was grand. For about five days.

This morning I awoke and looked at an old blog I wrote in January about things that are making me happy and sad.  What I realize is, nothing has changed.  The good and bad in my life are exactly the same.  The things I longed for then, and before, are exactly the same.  I've tried to change so much, but the issues that plague me never let me.  Whether it's financial issues or friends, it never seems to change.  I have tried to be so many different things for so many different people over the past few years that I've failed myself.  I have been a rock for those who have needed me, but never receive that support in return.  I've been backstabbed over and over by those who claim to be a friend.  I've watched as people have cheated and lied on their husbands and wives and all the while tried to maintain that friendship with both.  It tears at me.

A lot of people think I'm a pretentious prick and maybe I am.  I have a personal moral code that I live by that seems almost archaic.  Maybe I was born in the wrong era.  The people I know who work the hardest are paid the last.  Those who love unconditionally, stand alone.  Those who cheat, lie and steal seem to live high on the hog, receiving love and admiration from those they secretly fail.  I guess it's the world we live in.  I know I'm not the man to change it.  I hate it and don't want to live in this world.  Please, do not read into that sentence unnecessarily.

I don't know if I will be able to, but I think I'm going to try and shut it down for a while.  Shut down the silliness.  Shut down my own personal transparency.  I think I need to stop being so open and letting myself be hurt by the same things that have plagued me for years.  Those who need me, know I'm still here for them.  Whether they choose to seek me out is their choice.  I'm just tired of it all.  Tired of the facades and the lies.  Tired of the combative nature of everyone.  I like a lot of people, but I love very few.  I've let some of those people slip away and some have pushed me away.  The number is less and less as time goes by.  It's sad.  Someone yelled at me to "get a life" recently.  They may be right.  I just wish I knew what it was.

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