About three weeks ago, I decided to stop writing my blog. Since then I've noticed I've been very angry and with no other outlets for my frustration, I find myself, at 3am on a Sunday, back at it. I don't know if this will go back to being a regular thing, but as I've stated in the past, this has been very therapeutic at times. So here it goes.
I've been frustrated as of late for numerous reasons. Inability to find a job, to be more clear, a career has gotten me downright defeated. My money situation is dire, beyond dire and for the first time since I was much younger, I've had to ask for help. This is very tough for someone who prides themselves on being self sufficient and not needing much to get by. I've given up a lot of thinks the last few weeks and probably should have given some up sooner and would have saved a friendship. That's a private issue, which shockingly, I'll keep in private.
The past few weeks I've argued politics and religion to know end. It's a never ending battle, because when two groups, from different philosophical mindsets argue, it's bound to be endless. What has troubled me with my counterparts isn't the usual nuisance, a lack of intelligence, but a lack of reason. My main counterparts, to my knowledge are middle class. Their inability to see the forest through the trees has me worried, because if two intellectual people can't see it, what does that say about the others, whose minds aren't as well formed. More than a lack of reason is the see-saw game of hiding behind a loose interpretation of the Bible and when that doesn't work an even looser interpretation of the constitution. I myself have been accused of never providing sources, but when I do, I'm slammed with the constitution or the bible. A day later, I'm accused of never providing sources again.
I have time on my hands and I read a lot. I read both angles and form opinions. Opinions of my own, not of some suit, sitting in front of a teleprompter and camera reciting some rhetoric his employers implore him to recite, just to keep viewership in the millions. I make my own decisions, based on science, reason and common sense. I don't hide behind fictional document, no matter whose word they are said to be. If I am to be damned for eternity, so be it. I have a feeling I'll have the last laugh.
Why wouldn't I want I want to believe all those I've loved are skipping around on clouds, eating chocolate covered strawberries and never getting fat. Getting to look down on me and guide me through the tough times. It's a pleasant thought and a great one. There is one problem. I have an incredible inability to relinquish three things; Intelligence, reason and probability. Intelligence has taught me that religion was a way to control the uneducated masses. Reason tells me that the idea that all this was created by a being and that science, which has taught us so much over the years is wrong about this one thing. Probability says that when things are so outrageous they are rarely true, they aren't. These three attributes lead me to believe that all those who I love are in the dirt, in the wind or in the water. Nothing anyone can show me can disprove this. So please stop. Faith is for those who need an answer when there is none. I do not need one. So we'll let that rest.
Aside from the arguments, I am lonely. Having no money, curtailing bad habits and being on a budget has limited my social scene. That's fine for now, but the lack of human contact has gotten to me at times. Those walks in the wee hours of the night do not bring me closer to the girl of my dreams or a reconnection with close friends. They give me time to think about being alone. They also make me think about mistakes I've made along the way, which have brought me to this place. I've made some new friends over the past year. Some aren't really friends anymore and some are hi/bye friends and some are connections, which are good, bad and confusing. I never have any preconceived notions about friendships. I let them grow the way they are meant to be and try not to force them. I wish I could say the same for my relationships. This month has been trying as my past two relationships basically started an ended in August...or at least they feel that way. I'll survive and I am thankful for the very few who have been there for me. The very few.
In don't want to fall into a woe is me story, but damn the last 25 years have been rough. I feel as if I'm always doing for others and then the one time I don't and others have done for me, I've been blind to it. So wrapped up in doing, I don't get a chance to enjoy the reciprocation. The funny thing is, if every one of my friends in the world read this, the people who would smile and think that sentence was about them would be mistaken. It's the people who don't know, or maybe aren't sure, who are the ones I'm sorry for taking for granted. It's the one's who have been closest and sometimes furthest away who have mattered the most. The other night I found something from my childhood. I was about 12-13 when this item was important. It made me realize how incredibly lucky I was to have had this friend. We're friends, in a way that doesn't really exemplify how important he is to me, but he is. He was a big part in my maturation process and someone I will always think fondly off. It's friends like this and others who have just said "I'm here," that make all the difference in the world. Especially when I know it's not just words, but they mean it.
I'm wrapped up in so many things and so many ideas are popping into my head. I wish I could take a few months and live in a cabin. Nobody around and write. Write something, a play, a novel, a bunch of shit poems about being alone or being with someone who I let go or let me go. I want to do something great, but I don't. I want to be able to sit down and do something for myself. Something to say to the world "this is me and my best." Maybe it'll be shit and the realization that I'm shit will wake me up. Who knows? Every year I go to a school and at the end of the year, I have a group of kids who look up to me...and I feel like grabbing them by the shoulders, looking into their eyes and screaming "Be selfish! Be as selfish as you can be without hurting anyone, because it's the only way to get ahead in this world!" Do I believe this? I believe it with every fiber in my being, but I can't get myself to be that way. Sure I want someone to love me and only me. It's everyones dream. To have that perfect love, that perfect family. It's the American Dream. it's the global dream, but the reality is, we're not wired that way. We're made to cheat, to steal and to hurt, all to get ahead. We're told money can't buy happiness, but without it we spend out days, telling ourselves we're happy, not being able to drive a city block without wishing we had that car, that watch that purse. It's who we are and who we've become. I want none of that/. I just want what I share with my brother, my father and my grandmother. I want what I shared with my mother and my grandparents who aren't here. I want that. Every day. I want to share that with someone special. Sure, to be able to fly to Paris with that person would be nice, but I don't need that. I just want that feeling.
Tomorrow I'll wake and I'll make some calls. I'll inquire with three places about my exorbitant amount of debt and how to rectify the situation. I've managed to accrue nearly $100,000 worth of debt without technically ever purchasing anything. It's a wonderful trick I'd be glad to share. Another time.
I'm going to go try and sleep, for an hour, maybe two. Who knows, maybe like today, exhaustion will grab me and throw me down and I will sleep for three hours. Maybe I will dream about long ago or maybe of the future. Maybe it will be nonsense or even better a nonsensical riddle which masks a true story. Maybe it will be of my mother. She doesn't often, but every now and then she comes and talks to me. It is not always pleasant, but I cherish it. Maybe in a dream she will explain what to do or how to do it. Nah, she never has. She just comes to me in my dreams and reminds me how much she loves me. In the end, it's all I really need.
I've been frustrated as of late for numerous reasons. Inability to find a job, to be more clear, a career has gotten me downright defeated. My money situation is dire, beyond dire and for the first time since I was much younger, I've had to ask for help. This is very tough for someone who prides themselves on being self sufficient and not needing much to get by. I've given up a lot of thinks the last few weeks and probably should have given some up sooner and would have saved a friendship. That's a private issue, which shockingly, I'll keep in private.
The past few weeks I've argued politics and religion to know end. It's a never ending battle, because when two groups, from different philosophical mindsets argue, it's bound to be endless. What has troubled me with my counterparts isn't the usual nuisance, a lack of intelligence, but a lack of reason. My main counterparts, to my knowledge are middle class. Their inability to see the forest through the trees has me worried, because if two intellectual people can't see it, what does that say about the others, whose minds aren't as well formed. More than a lack of reason is the see-saw game of hiding behind a loose interpretation of the Bible and when that doesn't work an even looser interpretation of the constitution. I myself have been accused of never providing sources, but when I do, I'm slammed with the constitution or the bible. A day later, I'm accused of never providing sources again.
I have time on my hands and I read a lot. I read both angles and form opinions. Opinions of my own, not of some suit, sitting in front of a teleprompter and camera reciting some rhetoric his employers implore him to recite, just to keep viewership in the millions. I make my own decisions, based on science, reason and common sense. I don't hide behind fictional document, no matter whose word they are said to be. If I am to be damned for eternity, so be it. I have a feeling I'll have the last laugh.
Why wouldn't I want I want to believe all those I've loved are skipping around on clouds, eating chocolate covered strawberries and never getting fat. Getting to look down on me and guide me through the tough times. It's a pleasant thought and a great one. There is one problem. I have an incredible inability to relinquish three things; Intelligence, reason and probability. Intelligence has taught me that religion was a way to control the uneducated masses. Reason tells me that the idea that all this was created by a being and that science, which has taught us so much over the years is wrong about this one thing. Probability says that when things are so outrageous they are rarely true, they aren't. These three attributes lead me to believe that all those who I love are in the dirt, in the wind or in the water. Nothing anyone can show me can disprove this. So please stop. Faith is for those who need an answer when there is none. I do not need one. So we'll let that rest.
Aside from the arguments, I am lonely. Having no money, curtailing bad habits and being on a budget has limited my social scene. That's fine for now, but the lack of human contact has gotten to me at times. Those walks in the wee hours of the night do not bring me closer to the girl of my dreams or a reconnection with close friends. They give me time to think about being alone. They also make me think about mistakes I've made along the way, which have brought me to this place. I've made some new friends over the past year. Some aren't really friends anymore and some are hi/bye friends and some are connections, which are good, bad and confusing. I never have any preconceived notions about friendships. I let them grow the way they are meant to be and try not to force them. I wish I could say the same for my relationships. This month has been trying as my past two relationships basically started an ended in August...or at least they feel that way. I'll survive and I am thankful for the very few who have been there for me. The very few.
In don't want to fall into a woe is me story, but damn the last 25 years have been rough. I feel as if I'm always doing for others and then the one time I don't and others have done for me, I've been blind to it. So wrapped up in doing, I don't get a chance to enjoy the reciprocation. The funny thing is, if every one of my friends in the world read this, the people who would smile and think that sentence was about them would be mistaken. It's the people who don't know, or maybe aren't sure, who are the ones I'm sorry for taking for granted. It's the one's who have been closest and sometimes furthest away who have mattered the most. The other night I found something from my childhood. I was about 12-13 when this item was important. It made me realize how incredibly lucky I was to have had this friend. We're friends, in a way that doesn't really exemplify how important he is to me, but he is. He was a big part in my maturation process and someone I will always think fondly off. It's friends like this and others who have just said "I'm here," that make all the difference in the world. Especially when I know it's not just words, but they mean it.
I'm wrapped up in so many things and so many ideas are popping into my head. I wish I could take a few months and live in a cabin. Nobody around and write. Write something, a play, a novel, a bunch of shit poems about being alone or being with someone who I let go or let me go. I want to do something great, but I don't. I want to be able to sit down and do something for myself. Something to say to the world "this is me and my best." Maybe it'll be shit and the realization that I'm shit will wake me up. Who knows? Every year I go to a school and at the end of the year, I have a group of kids who look up to me...and I feel like grabbing them by the shoulders, looking into their eyes and screaming "Be selfish! Be as selfish as you can be without hurting anyone, because it's the only way to get ahead in this world!" Do I believe this? I believe it with every fiber in my being, but I can't get myself to be that way. Sure I want someone to love me and only me. It's everyones dream. To have that perfect love, that perfect family. It's the American Dream. it's the global dream, but the reality is, we're not wired that way. We're made to cheat, to steal and to hurt, all to get ahead. We're told money can't buy happiness, but without it we spend out days, telling ourselves we're happy, not being able to drive a city block without wishing we had that car, that watch that purse. It's who we are and who we've become. I want none of that/. I just want what I share with my brother, my father and my grandmother. I want what I shared with my mother and my grandparents who aren't here. I want that. Every day. I want to share that with someone special. Sure, to be able to fly to Paris with that person would be nice, but I don't need that. I just want that feeling.
Tomorrow I'll wake and I'll make some calls. I'll inquire with three places about my exorbitant amount of debt and how to rectify the situation. I've managed to accrue nearly $100,000 worth of debt without technically ever purchasing anything. It's a wonderful trick I'd be glad to share. Another time.
I'm going to go try and sleep, for an hour, maybe two. Who knows, maybe like today, exhaustion will grab me and throw me down and I will sleep for three hours. Maybe I will dream about long ago or maybe of the future. Maybe it will be nonsense or even better a nonsensical riddle which masks a true story. Maybe it will be of my mother. She doesn't often, but every now and then she comes and talks to me. It is not always pleasant, but I cherish it. Maybe in a dream she will explain what to do or how to do it. Nah, she never has. She just comes to me in my dreams and reminds me how much she loves me. In the end, it's all I really need.
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