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The Last and the First

I recently read an article explaining that the last person we think about before we go to bed and the first person we think about as we awake are the people, who at the time, bring us the most happiness and/or the most pain.  It's dawned on me recently that many times, for me at least, this seems to be the same people.  I tend very often to awake from a vivid dream in the morning, thinking about the same person that inevitably kept me awake the night before.  Recently, I'll admit those people have been one's of frustration.  They have been people who have let me down in some way, whether it be by their actions or the more likely scenario, their lack of.  I have also found myself thinking of those, who quite possibly, I failed.  In my recent attempts to come to grips with why so many have deserted me over the years, I find that I have myself deserted them in different ways.  By constantly evolving my friendships, there have been times I've given my time to those who do not matter and never should have warranted my time.  I feel at many times that the last few, and few is relative, have been nothing but a waste in terms of friendships.  I've gained a few great ones, two that I can count of right now, but the ones that seem one sided, surely outweigh those.

I'm reminded of a friend's words a while back when he commented on our lack of quality and how there will be a time when we have a chance to reconnect and we will.  I have another friend who had drifted away, when an afternoon of insight into his life brought me closer than we had ever been before.  I have those who I long to be with, if only for a drink and a laugh and those who want to drink and laugh, who I need to escape from.  I say at times I have nobody to talk to, but there are ears at times when I least expect it.  I'm so used to be people always telling me what to do or how to live or what would make my life happier, but in the end, they are rarely the one's who know me best.  There are those who have known me for years, who never know what to say to comfort me and in many ways, I don't think they care to.  I don't think most find it their place, but I've always felt it was mine.  Sometimes it's that person who says little when I expect the most and says nothing at times when I feel I need it, but then a day, maybe even a week later, I realize that they were there for me, listening, judgement wasn't what they felt was needed and their silence truly is golden.  As if to say, you know what to say, what to do, you just are afraid to do it on your own, but in the end, it's your decision, not theirs.  Sometimes it's the one comment, the little joke mixed in with the reality that makes the greatest impact and sometimes it's just them and knowing I have them, when I feel I have nobody.  It's then I realize what my priorities must be.  It will take time and I'll make mistakes, but I know my life is not as a puppet and strings need to be snipped, so that I can reach out to those I want to and not those I've merely been forced to.

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