Skip to main content

Unconditionally

I do not believe in love at first sight in the romantic sense and to be quite frank, I do not believe it in any other sense. Love is something that attacks us. It warms us when we first feel it and it pains us when we miss it. When that pain subsides, we come to realize that it was never love, but some other emotion masked in out understanding of what love is. True love, that kind we call unconditional, isn't comfortable. It makes us have physical reactions to it's presence and even more so to its absence. Most love takes time to nurture and yes, it needs to be cultivated, cared for an more than anything, caressed. Made to feel as if it's as important as it should be. 

The bond between a mother and child is often misinterpreted as unconditional, but there are physical and physiological needs, which can be scientifically explained. This does not diminish the value, but it is clearly a matter of condition. Even saying the words is conditioned. No, unconditional love is something else. It's not comfortable. It magnifies time and distance in a way, we can not express to others in words, but simply hope they understand. Most do not. 

Yesterday, the first year anniversary of my only niece's birth. Was a painful one. In her first year of life, I've only spent a matter of hours with her. I've held her only three, maybe four times. She's slept on my shoulder for hours. She smiled at me in a way, I haven't experienced since her father did the same, when he was a child. She bounced on my knee, turning at times to touch my arm, pulling the hair, taking rests against my chest. A babies warmth, smell and laughter does things to us, but when it makes us miss them before they are gone, it's impossible to explain. 

I did not see her or even hear her yesterday. A cold, some plans and my situation, my distance, my adherence to some odd etiquette denied me. I thought of her from the time I woke, until the time I slept. Knowing she doesn't know me, hurts. Knowing it may be some time before she does, hurts more. I will never be able to give her the things society looks at as love and care, but one day, when she's old enough to understand, I'll tell her of her first Christmas and thank her for being the reason we are sharing the current one. Maybe by then, she'll feel for me, as I do for her. 

Happy Birthday Iliana.
Your Uncle loves you more than life itself.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

White Privilege

This was a post I wrote on Facebook after surprisingly not seeing any moaning about the Documentary by Jose Antonio Vargas, titled White People Dayyum! I just scrolled my timeline and not a single white person got their feelings hurt by White People. I unfortunately haven't seen it, but the number of fake accounts that popped up on twitter, tells me it was a damn good show. Here's the thing. If someone of color aka non-white says "White Privilege," are you offended? If you said yes, then you are exhibiting white privilege. It has nothing to do with how hard you work or study, how you stayed out of trouble, because here's the thing, that is entirely the point. Somewhere out there, there are 100 Black, Spanish, Native American, Arab, Asian, who worked and studied as hard as you and never got in trouble, but they don't have what you "earned" or achieved. Stop looking at the one person you know who isn't white that achieved as your benchmark. Loo...

Quickie Review - Finding Vivian Maier

While I thoroughly enjoyed the film, especially the first 15-20 minutes, I was a little bothered by the way the film played out. The interviews with the clearly disturbed brother, sister and the mother, who obviously, was in for a cut, didn't need to be in the film. Then the woman who suggested abuse, yet seemed to have her life defined by Maier, as she tried to muster every ounce of emotion and fake guilt. Her friend, more than happy to be party of the charade. People who talk about abuse for the first time, usually don't do so on camera. The fact these scenes were so prominent, shows that they felt wronged that they were not rewarded. Maloof on the other hand, seems to disappear from the documentary during this part, almost hiding away from the fact, he went from complete praise, to even making money off of her, to destroying her personal legacy. He almost mentions the family of boys taking care of her rent, as an afterthought. Her burial spot, never shown, yet a video of her...

If You Listen To One Speech - Lana Wachowski

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/videos/lana-wachowski-opens-up-about-difficult-past-and-attempted-suicide-20121024 Today I saw a link to a video for a speech by Lana Wachowski.  The last name rung a bell, but I could't put my finger on it. Lana, used to be Larry, one of the writer, director, producers of the Matrix trilogy, V for Vendetta and the upcoming Cloud Atlas.  Lana is transgendered and has "come out" as a woman.  She was being honored by the Human Rights Campaign. I didn't know what to expect when this broad woman with crazy hair and a raspy voice began to speak.  She began with the usual pleasantries and told of her hair dresser. She then tells of her desire to be a quiet person and how hard the success of the Matrix movies made this.  The first ten minutes is telling of how she's not quite ready to be this spokesperson.  Then she speaks about the new movie Cloud Atlas and reveals the heart of the movie and this speech. She states,"The resp...