When You See It

Now, this isn't a photo with a hidden message, funny incident or a foot that looks like male genitalia. It's not a knee slapper or an "Oh my god" moment. It's when something that's been around you all your life, comes into focus as not being what it appeared. At times, I wonder what hurts more, the reality of it or the reality I ignored, not only the signs, but the warnings.

We are raised to love and respect our parents and grandparents. We are raised to. We are raised to listen and obey, value their wisdom and most of all, in most cases, we're told by outsiders to emulate their lives. We hear people say, "If I can be half the man my father was," or "If I'm half the mother my mom was," and then something following that pertains to luck. But here's where this has always fascinated me. We judge our father's on being men, but our mother's on being moms. Why?

I'm 47-years-old and I'm very happy being not even close to a fraction of the man my father is. I'd never want to be like him. I'm happy I'm smarter than him. He's more well read, but his inability to learn from his mistakes is where his intelligence is limited. He can remember when the Magna Carta was written, but can't remember his daughter-in-law's name. He can remember every book he's ever read, but forgets what his youngest son went through in high school. He can remember every detail  of things he read, but missed the fact his older son gave up, at the time, a large chunk of his life to care for his mother, because of things he didn't want to sacrifice. He then turned his back on his son when he needed him most, taking the advice of his cousin's husband. A man who spent the times I shared, ogling his wife, like a horny teenager, and trying to get his daughter's to emulate her looks, while treating their son, much like her father treated his. Funny how people marry their fathers, especially when they're awful human beings.

So where am I today? I'm not successful financially, I've no college degree, because the commute got in the way of my mother's chemo, and my father, wasn't willing to get a license. Something he did on year after she died, because "I feel guilty putting my neighbors and friends out." So maybe I turn this around and end my life with what most Americans consider success, maybe I don't. Hey, a year ago, I was essentially homeless and there's no guarantee I won't be again soon. I've had help from friends, mostly inspiring me to keep going. I've also had surgery, which will hopefully allow me to find a job working with kids again, or at the very least, one where I can stand. The future isn't as bright as it was when I gave it up, but it was for my mother and when I think of it now, I have to smile, because I realize, I'd be lucky if I could ever be half the woman my mother was, because she was an exceptional human being who sacrificed so much and endured what many would call a horrible marriage and life, and she did it for me and my brother.  I gave up a future for her and the physical and emotional pain of the last 15-20 years has been excruciating, but you know what? This blog proves that I'll never live up to her greatness, because she's never have complained or let anyone know. I don't have that strength. One day; maybe.