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In Control

Being in charge isn't for everyone. People say they are "take charge" or "control freaks," but the reality is, most of those who claim that are poor leaders. I do not know if I am a good leader. I was as a child, especially when it came to sports, but mostly and maybe secretly, because I didn't care much about winning. I've never actually cared about winning, other than the joy it brings others. It's a weird dynamic of my life, which spills over, both positively and negatively into other aspects of my life. I don't think it will change, but I'm seeing it's affects now.

For many years, I ran a program for kids. For years before that I was lucky enough to work for places that allowed me the freedom to, within reason, mold my groups in my own way. Well, after a three year hiatus, I'm back working with kids and I'm low man on the totem pole and I'm having difficulty with it. I'm having a problem being a cog. I'm having a problem with the lack of control. I'm glad to give up the power and the responsibility, but the control is the hard part to let go of.

Before you over think this, I do not mean control of the program, the kids, the money, the staff or anything to do with that sort of thing. I miss the control of freedom. The control to take a group and make their time in the afternoon the best it can be, all the while learning lessons they aren't even aware of. I'm not good at very much in life, but I'm great with kids. Call it cockiness, ego, what have you, it's something I excel at. I can connect to the best and worst of children and I mean that in how they view themselves. I can make that worst be seen as a lesson to overcome and that best as something they can share with others. I am good at leveling the playing field both literally and figuratively and I'm good at it, because I have control. I miss that already.

I will adapt and I will learn to feed off the smiles. I've already taken to the frowns and some I've turned, some I haven't. I won't give up on those who haven't, but I lack the control to take one and introduce them to the other. They other may not want to play soccer, while the other has no interest in Lego. In a perfect world, I'd have created a Lego soccer game by now and a friendship would have been forged. It's that control I crave. It's not power, it's merely the freedom to do the one thing I'm good at and I miss being good at it.

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