As Thanksgiving rolls around, we sometimes misuse the term thankful when we really mean grateful. We are thankful for those outcomes, behaviors, and situations we expect, while we are grateful for those which surprise and lift us up. Many times in relationships, whether they are simple acquaintances, working, or romantic, we tend to take that which is expected for granted, as do our partners. It is at these times, where we tend to be grateful for that which is expected. Without our even realizing, this is a fracture within our bond.
I think this happens most when we look at shared responsibilities. If one person generally cooks, and the other cleans, when the other cooks, then it is assumed the regular cook will clean. At my job, I generally do one aspect of set up and clean up more than others, but it is expected that they do the other jobs. Yesterday, this didn't happen, and I realized that when you add more people to this relationship, the idea of shared responsibility, of accountability, and of things we're generally thankful for, goes out the window. I found myself grateful for the one or two people who actually did what they were supposed to. As I left, I became angry. It subsided quickly, but it's things like these that wear on us and make us feel unappreciated and at times, fester into resentment. Obviously doing "more" work at work is something many of us view as a norm, so that's not a real issue, but when it gets in the way of relationships, even friendships or arrangements, it gets confusing.
Have you ever done something all the time, without acknowledgment, and never received even a thank you? You continued to do this because it wasn't only the right thing to do, but you also benefited from this behavior? Then one day, you don't do it, and the others who benefitted from it comment. After weeks, months, maybe even years of not acknowledging your actions, your single moment of inaction is met with contempt. The real hurt comes from the fact that you know in that instant, not only were they not grateful, but not even thankful. That you had been taken for granted since the very first time. You sit and wonder, "Would they have really not done this if I had not?" How does someone function, live, or act in such a manner? It's something I do not have an answer for.
So as this week rolls along, I look at everyone in my life and realize there are very few bonds where I can say I am grateful for and while there should be many I'm thankful for, I am only thankful for those which are reciprocal. Even if the other party is simply cognizant of my actions.
I think this happens most when we look at shared responsibilities. If one person generally cooks, and the other cleans, when the other cooks, then it is assumed the regular cook will clean. At my job, I generally do one aspect of set up and clean up more than others, but it is expected that they do the other jobs. Yesterday, this didn't happen, and I realized that when you add more people to this relationship, the idea of shared responsibility, of accountability, and of things we're generally thankful for, goes out the window. I found myself grateful for the one or two people who actually did what they were supposed to. As I left, I became angry. It subsided quickly, but it's things like these that wear on us and make us feel unappreciated and at times, fester into resentment. Obviously doing "more" work at work is something many of us view as a norm, so that's not a real issue, but when it gets in the way of relationships, even friendships or arrangements, it gets confusing.
Have you ever done something all the time, without acknowledgment, and never received even a thank you? You continued to do this because it wasn't only the right thing to do, but you also benefited from this behavior? Then one day, you don't do it, and the others who benefitted from it comment. After weeks, months, maybe even years of not acknowledging your actions, your single moment of inaction is met with contempt. The real hurt comes from the fact that you know in that instant, not only were they not grateful, but not even thankful. That you had been taken for granted since the very first time. You sit and wonder, "Would they have really not done this if I had not?" How does someone function, live, or act in such a manner? It's something I do not have an answer for.
So as this week rolls along, I look at everyone in my life and realize there are very few bonds where I can say I am grateful for and while there should be many I'm thankful for, I am only thankful for those which are reciprocal. Even if the other party is simply cognizant of my actions.
Comments
Post a Comment