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That Kindergarten List

Remember a few years back that dopey list came out titled Every I ever really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten? Well I happened upon it recently and realized it's complete horseshit. Let me break it down.

1. Share everything - this sounds good, but you will be called a socialist or fascist and people will hate you. He with the most toys at the end wins. Isn't that what Bill O'Reilly would have you believe this country was founded on?

2. Play fair - playing fair never seems to work. Somewhere, someone is cheating and they are benefiting from it. If you want to get ahead, cheat. It works for politicians, baseball players, CEO's and illegal immigrants. Why shouldn't you cheat to get ahead like everyone else?

3. Don't hit people - sorry, some people just deserve a smack.

4. Put things back where you found them -especially when you're rifling through someones drawers looking for money. The only time this is true is if you lift a child up. Put him back, because the crying will eventually drive you crazy.

5. Clean up your own mess - if this was true maid services, laundromats, and car washes would be out of business and that would raise the unemployment rate....oh wait, none of the people doing these jobs is legal. Never mind.

6. Don't take things that aren't yours - does virginity count?

7. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone - I thought love was never having to say your sorry. Damn you Ryan O'Neal.

8. Wash your hands before you eat - who cares if you wash them as long as the guy making your food does. I don't feel like having hepatitis, which I am pretty sure you can't give to yourself.

9. Flush the toilet - but not flushing brings out such incredible reactions.

10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you - my dentist really loved this one. Not to mention the milk made me wet my bed.

11. Live a balanced life - I try, but alcohol messes with this one at least once a week.

12. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some - what are we in Kindergarten still? I'll accept the learning and thinking, but I'll be damned if I'm going to draw, paint, sing, dance, play and work every day. Sometimes I need a nap.

13. Take a nap every afternoon - amen brothers and sisters. Plus, if you get to take this nap with someone else, it's even better.

14. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together - this almost got me arrested when I was hanging outside the all-girls catholic school the other day.

15. Be aware of wonder and wonderful things - every day I wonder. I wonder how so many people are alive when they are so incredibly stupid.

16. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are still all like that - I don't know what this means. I have no roots. I would like to think that if I did someone would water me every day.

17. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die...So do we. So if this is true, why do we need to stay in shape, eat right, exercise. Be careful how you use this learning tool. I was very young and didn't understand why we couldn't flush grandpa down the toilet or bury him in the backyard when he died. This really troubled me.

18. And then remember the story book about Dick and Jane and the first important word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK! I would argue that in your life there are more times you'll say Dick than you will say Look. Unless of course you are saying "Look at that Dick."

If everything was as simple as saying everything we really need to know we learned in kindergarten, then why when I share my animal crackers with the girl sitting next to me does she not promise to show me her privates? Seriously, in adult life I have to throw a $100 dollar meal down her throat for the hopes of getting a kiss goodnight. In kindergarten it was a slam dunk. Share your lunch, your dessert, or just pull your pants down. Something good always happened. Life truly sucks and they didn't tell me that in kindergarten or I would have got left back!

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