Well BBQ season is upon us and I'm excited. Every year I get invited to a number of BBQ's and low and behold, someone of you are going to be shocked, but I have some complaints. No, I'm not complaining about being invited, I'm complaining about the rules that are always broken. Here are my top ten items that everyone should adhere to.
1 - Don't be cheap. Everyone invited should bring something, but should call the host/hostess and ask what to bring. I always get pissed off when we have this hot grill ready for meat and veggies and everyone brings dessert. Who the hell wants dessert at the end of a BBQ? I want MEAT! Sure if someone grabs a fruit platter or a watermelon that is always great, but what's with all the desserts? Also, if you bring a veggie burger, you should immediately be thrown out the door. I'm all for grilled veggies, but no veggie burgers! I don't care if your vegan or Vulcan, no veggie burgers on the grill.
2 - Serving the food. Host/hostesses listen up. You have enough burgers and dogs so everyone can eat two, you have sausage, you have chicken, you have steak. Why the hell do you feel it necessary to serve everything at once. People are going to be at your house for the next 6-7 hours. Courses!!! If it starts at 1:00, you put out the chips and dip until people arrive. Put out some burgers and dogs in the first hour with some salads. Then wait til 3:00 to put on some smaller stuff like wings, shrimp, maybe some sausage. Around 4:00 put out some watermelon or something light and refreshing. Then around 5:30-6:00 put out the biggies. The steak, chicken, lamb, fish, whatever it may be. Grill the veggies, put out some more salads and you're done. Everyone is happy, nobody feels like they are going to burst and most likely you'll have a lot less cooked leftovers.
3 - Cooking. Listen, I don't own a grill and I know things happen and people get distracted, but just because you like things cooked overly well done, doesn't mean everyone else does. I like my burgers and steak still mooing, but I realize that is the other end of the spectrum, I can deal with medium/rare. What I can't deal with is medium/well. Listen, food tastes best when cooked right. When you invite people over they want to enjoy their food. Don't overcook it. If you overcook chicken it dries out. if you overcook shrimp or scallops or most other seafood they lose all of the flavor and tend to get rubbery. If you overcook steak or burgers you should be shot on sight! Also, if you like it extra well done on a grill you are raising the level of carcinogens to unsafe levels. Finally, and this goes for every type of meat and is the most common mistake. When you take the food off the grill, let it sit for a bit. tent it with foil and don't cut it. This allows the juices to redistribute back into the meat and give the entire piece of meat much more flavor and moisture. Along with this goes the fork. Throw the damn fork out when flipping meat. Use a spatula or tongs. If you pierce the meat it loses those lovely juices. Dammit people listen to me, I'm a husky fellow. I know about food!
4 - Music. Nobody wants to hear blaring music. Have music that isn't intrusive and that everyone can tolerate. Nobody wants to hear Slayer at a BBQ. People also don't always like your music, so tell people to bring a CD. If you don't want music that's fine, but have some other distractions such as games to play. Not everyone wants to sit and hear your life story.
5 - Your life. OK, Dinner or the bar is a fine time to let everyone know about your genital warts or your impending death, but honestly, nobody wants to hear downer stories while soaking up the sun and enjoying some grub. Keep your TMI stories to yourself this day. Remember, every day you're one day closer to death, just don't remind me when I've got a hot dog and a beer in my hand.
6 - Adonis? If you aren't nice to look at shirtless, please leave your shirt on. I'm eating and your back hair isn't what I want to see while I'm eating my cole slaw. Hey, if I can conceal my bitch tits, you can too. Ladies, this doesn't apply to you. If you feel the need to go topless, go right ahead. Just leave your significant other at home.
7 - The single friend. Guys, while it seems like a good thing. Don't let your wife or girlfriend invite the single friend who will show up in a thong and want to sunbathe. The repercussions will be horrible. Listen, we're all human and when I'm sitting drinking a cold one and I'm caught trying to figure out if it's a camel toe or a moose knuckle, nobody wins.
8 - Late arrivals. Late arrivals are always good because they throw a little life into the party. Just remember that you have been drinking for 5 hours and these people are just getting started. Leave them alone with your tales of bravery when you put out the grease fire with your hand as you pat them on the back. Let them get into the groove and let them throw some life into the day. Also, they are trying to catch up, so don't put yourself on their pace or you will be "that guy."
9 - The No-shows. Don't talk bad about everyone who didn't show up. This sounds like an obvious thing, but this always comes back to haunt someone. Someone says something thinking why not, and it bites them right in the ass. Also, if you know someone could have come and chose not to. Don't offer up this info. There is no need.
10 - When to say when. Finally, you are not obligated to stay until all the booze is gone. If your host/hostess is asking you if you want a to-go plate wrapped, it's probably a hint that it is time for you to go. Not necessarily everyone, just you. Take the hint and live t fight another day.
Hey I could be wrong about these tips, but I think I've experienced enough BBQ's and eaten enough dried out shit burgers to throw my hat in the BBQ ring. I've also done my share of jumping behind the grill and killing the food, so I am pointing the finger at myself too. I am also not saying anything about anyone in particular, but just a general consensus based on the many of Q's I've attended.
Here's to a great grilling season. Hopefully this post didn't knock me off any guest lists.
1 - Don't be cheap. Everyone invited should bring something, but should call the host/hostess and ask what to bring. I always get pissed off when we have this hot grill ready for meat and veggies and everyone brings dessert. Who the hell wants dessert at the end of a BBQ? I want MEAT! Sure if someone grabs a fruit platter or a watermelon that is always great, but what's with all the desserts? Also, if you bring a veggie burger, you should immediately be thrown out the door. I'm all for grilled veggies, but no veggie burgers! I don't care if your vegan or Vulcan, no veggie burgers on the grill.
2 - Serving the food. Host/hostesses listen up. You have enough burgers and dogs so everyone can eat two, you have sausage, you have chicken, you have steak. Why the hell do you feel it necessary to serve everything at once. People are going to be at your house for the next 6-7 hours. Courses!!! If it starts at 1:00, you put out the chips and dip until people arrive. Put out some burgers and dogs in the first hour with some salads. Then wait til 3:00 to put on some smaller stuff like wings, shrimp, maybe some sausage. Around 4:00 put out some watermelon or something light and refreshing. Then around 5:30-6:00 put out the biggies. The steak, chicken, lamb, fish, whatever it may be. Grill the veggies, put out some more salads and you're done. Everyone is happy, nobody feels like they are going to burst and most likely you'll have a lot less cooked leftovers.
3 - Cooking. Listen, I don't own a grill and I know things happen and people get distracted, but just because you like things cooked overly well done, doesn't mean everyone else does. I like my burgers and steak still mooing, but I realize that is the other end of the spectrum, I can deal with medium/rare. What I can't deal with is medium/well. Listen, food tastes best when cooked right. When you invite people over they want to enjoy their food. Don't overcook it. If you overcook chicken it dries out. if you overcook shrimp or scallops or most other seafood they lose all of the flavor and tend to get rubbery. If you overcook steak or burgers you should be shot on sight! Also, if you like it extra well done on a grill you are raising the level of carcinogens to unsafe levels. Finally, and this goes for every type of meat and is the most common mistake. When you take the food off the grill, let it sit for a bit. tent it with foil and don't cut it. This allows the juices to redistribute back into the meat and give the entire piece of meat much more flavor and moisture. Along with this goes the fork. Throw the damn fork out when flipping meat. Use a spatula or tongs. If you pierce the meat it loses those lovely juices. Dammit people listen to me, I'm a husky fellow. I know about food!
4 - Music. Nobody wants to hear blaring music. Have music that isn't intrusive and that everyone can tolerate. Nobody wants to hear Slayer at a BBQ. People also don't always like your music, so tell people to bring a CD. If you don't want music that's fine, but have some other distractions such as games to play. Not everyone wants to sit and hear your life story.
5 - Your life. OK, Dinner or the bar is a fine time to let everyone know about your genital warts or your impending death, but honestly, nobody wants to hear downer stories while soaking up the sun and enjoying some grub. Keep your TMI stories to yourself this day. Remember, every day you're one day closer to death, just don't remind me when I've got a hot dog and a beer in my hand.
6 - Adonis? If you aren't nice to look at shirtless, please leave your shirt on. I'm eating and your back hair isn't what I want to see while I'm eating my cole slaw. Hey, if I can conceal my bitch tits, you can too. Ladies, this doesn't apply to you. If you feel the need to go topless, go right ahead. Just leave your significant other at home.
7 - The single friend. Guys, while it seems like a good thing. Don't let your wife or girlfriend invite the single friend who will show up in a thong and want to sunbathe. The repercussions will be horrible. Listen, we're all human and when I'm sitting drinking a cold one and I'm caught trying to figure out if it's a camel toe or a moose knuckle, nobody wins.
8 - Late arrivals. Late arrivals are always good because they throw a little life into the party. Just remember that you have been drinking for 5 hours and these people are just getting started. Leave them alone with your tales of bravery when you put out the grease fire with your hand as you pat them on the back. Let them get into the groove and let them throw some life into the day. Also, they are trying to catch up, so don't put yourself on their pace or you will be "that guy."
9 - The No-shows. Don't talk bad about everyone who didn't show up. This sounds like an obvious thing, but this always comes back to haunt someone. Someone says something thinking why not, and it bites them right in the ass. Also, if you know someone could have come and chose not to. Don't offer up this info. There is no need.
10 - When to say when. Finally, you are not obligated to stay until all the booze is gone. If your host/hostess is asking you if you want a to-go plate wrapped, it's probably a hint that it is time for you to go. Not necessarily everyone, just you. Take the hint and live t fight another day.
Hey I could be wrong about these tips, but I think I've experienced enough BBQ's and eaten enough dried out shit burgers to throw my hat in the BBQ ring. I've also done my share of jumping behind the grill and killing the food, so I am pointing the finger at myself too. I am also not saying anything about anyone in particular, but just a general consensus based on the many of Q's I've attended.
Here's to a great grilling season. Hopefully this post didn't knock me off any guest lists.
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