When I started this blog, it was meant to be a playful way for me to talk about things that happen and my feelings on subjects that interest me. As time has gone on, I've gotten political, sentimental, at times a little monotonous and very preachy. I don't know what's happened to me lately. I'm still fun to be with, so they say, but something has changed. Is it 40 coming around the bend? Or have I started to grow up? Waking up with my wallet in the shower, my clothes soaking wet, and my phone semi-lost seems to prove it's not the latter. So what is it?
I do know my patience is not what it used to be. I work with children in the afternoons during the school year and things I used to laugh at are starting to bother me. I don't totally blame myself. The average parenting job is abysmal and there is a small amount of respect I demand. I mean come on, I'm giving these kids the best hours of their week, the least they can do is call me Mr. Fat Ass. I don't think that's too much to ask.
My evenings lately have proved I'm not getting too serious. I laugh with people, tease and get teased back. I flirt with young ladies, sometimes even older ladies, but I never take anything too seriously. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe when I'm supposed to be serious, I'm a jokester and vice-versa. Really, who ever writes vice-versa? It's bizarre. I sometimes talk in quotes, despite the fact it irks me when others do. Ah!
I think the problem is that I feel lost. I'm single, I don't have enough money to escape, and to be honest, I'm pretty fucking lazy when it comes to enhancement. If there was a pill like Cialis, but it enhanced motivation, I think I would take it. I need motivation. I need motivation to clean my apartment, to buy a new car, to meet a new girl of my dreams, only to have my heart ripped from my chest like the pit from an avocado. Weird analogy, because what follows after is a lovely creamy guacamole and there is no negative about guacamole So why would I see myself as an avocado? Maybe it's my heart being pounded by the mortar and pestle into a paste? Who the fuck knows? What was I talking about?
I was home tonight and it dawned on me that I'm a pretty down person when I'm alone. I cry during movies most wouldn't. I mean I just didn't realize that they were going to kill the shark at the end. Oh, there was a book? When slightly motivated I can make a pretty decent meal. I better, I criticize everyone else's cooking. Usualkly, I dine alone. I don't watch TV when I eat. I think. I think about the conversation I could be having with a beautiful woman, sharing a nice Cabernet Sauvignon, a slight wink and the thoughts of a sensual dessert. Right about then, a neighbor's buzzer goes off and I drop food onto my boxers. It's not a pleasant sight. So where did I go wrong? How is it, that this person, who makes so many people laugh, got so serious?
I don't really care where it came from, but it needs to stop. It makes me lose sleep. It makes me short-tempered, ill-willed, stressed. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't have kids. I see the stress they cause others. Do I want them? I don't know. I don't have a wife. I see the stress they cause others. Do I want that? I don't know. I do know I want someone. Someone to come home to, who will look at me without judging me, who loves me unconditionally and who will lick peanut butter off my balls. Unfortunately my apartment doesn't allow dogs, well they sort of do. Anyway, back to my dilemma. I need someone or something to get me out of this serious rut. Maybe it's a road trip I need. I've been speaking of this since last October. I wanted to rent a car and disappear for a week. Maybe find myself. Maybe not. Maybe find the one that got away or the one that will get away. Who the hell knows, but I know sitting at my office at 12:35 in the AM, writing a blog isn't going to make me less serious.
I can't look to friends for help, because they will give logical solutions. I don't want those. I want illogical solutions. I want someone to throw me out of a plane, no chute. As I spiral towards the earth, I'll think of all the things I haven't done. The things I want to tell the beautiful girl I like. The lives I haven't touched and who haven't touched me. I'll then want to live, just like Burt Reynolds in The End. I think it may take something like that. NO! I'm not going to swim out into the deep blue sea to kill myself only to revel in the fact life is worth living. I know it is. A child's smile reminds me of that every day. A pretty girl's hand on my arm. A good friend's laugh. All these things make me remember. I just wish, I wasn't always a day late and a buck short. I wish all the good one's weren't taken. I wish that dinner for one was a dinner for two. I'll even do the dishes.
I don't know what the future brings, but I have to get back to the person I was. The person who didn't give a shit. The person, who made the fun, made the situation (not the guy from the Jersey Shore, nothing can make him better - he's perfect) better. I can't depend on others to get me out of this funk. I need to persevere. It may take a guiding light, it may take a Coors Light, or it may take a child's smile, that girl's touch, or that friend's laugh. Maybe my senses have just become dulled by the monotony of life. Funny how it's only monotonous when you're alone.
I do know my patience is not what it used to be. I work with children in the afternoons during the school year and things I used to laugh at are starting to bother me. I don't totally blame myself. The average parenting job is abysmal and there is a small amount of respect I demand. I mean come on, I'm giving these kids the best hours of their week, the least they can do is call me Mr. Fat Ass. I don't think that's too much to ask.
My evenings lately have proved I'm not getting too serious. I laugh with people, tease and get teased back. I flirt with young ladies, sometimes even older ladies, but I never take anything too seriously. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe when I'm supposed to be serious, I'm a jokester and vice-versa. Really, who ever writes vice-versa? It's bizarre. I sometimes talk in quotes, despite the fact it irks me when others do. Ah!
I think the problem is that I feel lost. I'm single, I don't have enough money to escape, and to be honest, I'm pretty fucking lazy when it comes to enhancement. If there was a pill like Cialis, but it enhanced motivation, I think I would take it. I need motivation. I need motivation to clean my apartment, to buy a new car, to meet a new girl of my dreams, only to have my heart ripped from my chest like the pit from an avocado. Weird analogy, because what follows after is a lovely creamy guacamole and there is no negative about guacamole So why would I see myself as an avocado? Maybe it's my heart being pounded by the mortar and pestle into a paste? Who the fuck knows? What was I talking about?
I was home tonight and it dawned on me that I'm a pretty down person when I'm alone. I cry during movies most wouldn't. I mean I just didn't realize that they were going to kill the shark at the end. Oh, there was a book? When slightly motivated I can make a pretty decent meal. I better, I criticize everyone else's cooking. Usualkly, I dine alone. I don't watch TV when I eat. I think. I think about the conversation I could be having with a beautiful woman, sharing a nice Cabernet Sauvignon, a slight wink and the thoughts of a sensual dessert. Right about then, a neighbor's buzzer goes off and I drop food onto my boxers. It's not a pleasant sight. So where did I go wrong? How is it, that this person, who makes so many people laugh, got so serious?
I don't really care where it came from, but it needs to stop. It makes me lose sleep. It makes me short-tempered, ill-willed, stressed. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't have kids. I see the stress they cause others. Do I want them? I don't know. I don't have a wife. I see the stress they cause others. Do I want that? I don't know. I do know I want someone. Someone to come home to, who will look at me without judging me, who loves me unconditionally and who will lick peanut butter off my balls. Unfortunately my apartment doesn't allow dogs, well they sort of do. Anyway, back to my dilemma. I need someone or something to get me out of this serious rut. Maybe it's a road trip I need. I've been speaking of this since last October. I wanted to rent a car and disappear for a week. Maybe find myself. Maybe not. Maybe find the one that got away or the one that will get away. Who the hell knows, but I know sitting at my office at 12:35 in the AM, writing a blog isn't going to make me less serious.
I can't look to friends for help, because they will give logical solutions. I don't want those. I want illogical solutions. I want someone to throw me out of a plane, no chute. As I spiral towards the earth, I'll think of all the things I haven't done. The things I want to tell the beautiful girl I like. The lives I haven't touched and who haven't touched me. I'll then want to live, just like Burt Reynolds in The End. I think it may take something like that. NO! I'm not going to swim out into the deep blue sea to kill myself only to revel in the fact life is worth living. I know it is. A child's smile reminds me of that every day. A pretty girl's hand on my arm. A good friend's laugh. All these things make me remember. I just wish, I wasn't always a day late and a buck short. I wish all the good one's weren't taken. I wish that dinner for one was a dinner for two. I'll even do the dishes.
I don't know what the future brings, but I have to get back to the person I was. The person who didn't give a shit. The person, who made the fun, made the situation (not the guy from the Jersey Shore, nothing can make him better - he's perfect) better. I can't depend on others to get me out of this funk. I need to persevere. It may take a guiding light, it may take a Coors Light, or it may take a child's smile, that girl's touch, or that friend's laugh. Maybe my senses have just become dulled by the monotony of life. Funny how it's only monotonous when you're alone.
I think you need to be more like Gaga. THAT will definitely get you out of your rut & change your life. :)
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