Dreams

I have tons of problems with sleeping.  I have insomnia and even if I go to bed drunk or with the aid of two tablets of melatonin, I still have problems sleeping.  When I was younger, I used to sleep like a rock.  Nothing woke me up.  Then my mother got sick and as she became weaker and her voice more faint, I basically taught myself to awaken to the drop of a pin.  The day after she died, I slept for fourteen hours.  Since then, that's three, sometimes even four nights worth.  There are times when I power nap in the late afternoon/early evening, but it's usually for no more than forty minutes.  It hardly feels restful.  Many wonder how it is that I never appear tired or show the effects of my malady.  The reason is REM sleep.  For whatever reason I go into it almost immediately (or so it seems).  I've taken 13 minute naps and had vivid dreams.  It's an oddity, but somewhat stimulating.

Recently I have been having recurring dreams that aren't completely pleasant.  One in particular that has become almost a nightly affair is a shark attack.  Now most people probably think this is because of Shark Week on Discovery, but I haven't watched it this season and this dream has been going on for months. Part of me wants to go to the beach, dive in the ocean with a fresh porterhouse tied to my leg and just get this damn thing over with.  I always live in the end, but I'm usually missing limbs or badly bleeding.  The dream is very vivid and the pain I feel is almost real.  I awoke one night with what felt like a bite on my leg.  There was no bruise or anything necessarily touching my leg, but the pain was there, minutes after I woke up.  Obviously it subsided, but it was a little disconcerting.  I'm fine with a cougar in my bed, but not a shark.

Another dream involves me on vacation and meeting a mother and daughter, who for whatever reason, seek my affection.  Nothing sexual ever happens in the dream, but the frustration of the situation is very intense.  In the dream, both flirt and when one isn't around the other moves in, but then retreats when the other returns. I always end up awake and frustrated.  In the dream the mother is fifty and the daughter is thirty.  I just turned forty, so I assume this is somewhat of a subconscious battle to maintain my youth, while coming to the realization I am not viewed as a crazy kid anymore.  God knows the dream isn't about my massive sex appeal.  Or is it?

Everyone has the chase dreams.  Mine never end well.  In my dreams, I am always caught, always beaten and usually die.  There is no truth that to die in a dream is to die in reality.  If this were true, I'd have died a million times.  I'm never chased by anyone I know and the people rarely have faces.  There is just anger.  Anger at something I did.  Maybe it's my mind telling me to right past wrongs or maybe I'm just a prick who deserves a beating.  Both might be true.

The nights on melatonin the dreams are bizarre.  Celebrities, mysterious people and friends do odd things, in odd situations, in odd places.  There is no rhyme or reason for any of it.  Some of the dreams are flat out nightmarish and I've come to look forward to them.  Something about my dreams always lets me know it's an alternate universe. I am threatened, but feel safe, even when there is perceived pain or misery.  Maybe in a way it is like life.  I've learned that the pain, real or perceived fades.  Things always seem to go back to normal, whatever normal is.  Maybe the dreams are just a little more realistic than the mundaneness of day-to-day living and it's all just a cry for change.  Maybe I need to get into the water, make the choice between holding on to youth or growing up, facing my fears or mistakes and trying and make ammends for them.  I don't know the answers, but I do know that the more I sleep, the more I dream and right now, it's all I want.