Let me begin by saying that I am not a big fan of this holiday. Sure as a child I would pester my parents about it and we'd sit and make a costume and then I would skip down the street and annoy my neighbors with that irritating little saying "trick or treat." Funny how in all my years I never got a trick. Why don't we teach our little ingrates to just say "put the damn candy in the bag, grandma," because that's what we really mean. One thing I will say for Halloween is that it does teach us many things about many people. Sometimes their costumes reveal more than just some cleavage. Sometimes they reveal someones hidden persona. One that is trapped beneath heavy sweaters, taped glasses and failed expectations. Sometimes they just show us some tit. Either way, it's always an interesting evening.
Halloween has taught me that whether it be an intricate mask hiding someones identity or simple fake glasses with a moustache, a mask enables people to lose their inhibitions. There is something about dressing up that takes on the effects of hours of alcohol intake. It's a libreating feeling for some. I am not one who hides their feelings, thus I do not need to don such apparel or hide my identity. I'm an asshole all the time. No mask needed.
Halloween has taught me that no matter how many beautiful women are dressed in bustiers and fishnet stockings, guys will always grab each others asses. It's a phenomenon that can not be explained. Now while I realize that it is unacceptable to grab a woman's ass, just because she's wearing something sexy, it still makes no sense to me that heterosexual men, feel it necessary to grab their friend's asses. Did I grab some man ass on Halloween? Absolutely, but he was dressed as a woman, so I feel it is justified. In my mind.
Halloween has taught me that there is a little slut in every woman. Not that their clothing dictates how promiscuous they may be, but it tells that they have these clothes available. So why not wear them on, say, September 4th? I'd bet they'd be much more popular in these get ups on a random day than they are on October 31st. I also love that they can take any character, put on stockings and boots and they are instantly "dirty" whatever that character may be. Snow White with knee high boots is instantly Dirty Snow White. Have some glitter makeup and some wings. Just add a mini skirt and a see thru shirt and you have Dirty Angel. It always works for girls. I just can't see the same for any male costume. Do you wanna see Dirty Batman? I don't?
Halloween has also taught me that people's perception of their costume doesn't always translate without an explanation. If you are wearing a mouse costume, you are a mouse. If you are wearing a mouse costume and your arm is shaking, you're obviously, Michael J. Fox playing Stuart Little. If you are wearing a mouse costume, with vampire teeth and a knife sticking out of your belly, nobody knows what the fuck you are trying to be, so you must give an explanation. When you roll your eyes and say, I'm a vampire rat who was attacked by Jason, you're an asshole, not clever.
Halloween has taught me that parents have given up on originality. I was very unhappy that no child went as an aborted fetus, a malaria stricken Ethiopian or Jon Benet Ramsey. I know if I had kids they would definitely be on of these. Either that or I'd make a huge milk carton that says missing on the side and my kids face would be there. Then on the other side it would say, just kidding, I'm not missing, I'm dead. I know what you're thinking. Did he just make a joke about kids being kidnapped? Why yes I did. Not that I think kidnapped children is something to make light of, but I'm trying to make the point that if you have a kid, make the most of their Halloween. Don't dress your daughter as Ariel because you like the Little Mermaid, dress her up as Ariel if she was caught in a net, chopped up and made into fish sticks or Ariel if she was attacked by a shark. Now that would be funny. And remember, kidnapping is no laughing matter....unless you're kidnapped by a clown.
Finally, Halloween has taught me that no matter how wonderful your costume. If you are leaving a party, don't leave alone. There is nothing sadder than seeing a pretty young girl with FMPs, a miniskirt and a lace shirt getting gas at 5am. Even sadder is when you make eye contact and realize that she not only lost the costume contest, but a little bit of her dignity. Maybe Halloween isn't all that bad, because you should never underestimate the potential benefits of a girl with low self esteem.
Halloween has taught me that whether it be an intricate mask hiding someones identity or simple fake glasses with a moustache, a mask enables people to lose their inhibitions. There is something about dressing up that takes on the effects of hours of alcohol intake. It's a libreating feeling for some. I am not one who hides their feelings, thus I do not need to don such apparel or hide my identity. I'm an asshole all the time. No mask needed.
Halloween has taught me that no matter how many beautiful women are dressed in bustiers and fishnet stockings, guys will always grab each others asses. It's a phenomenon that can not be explained. Now while I realize that it is unacceptable to grab a woman's ass, just because she's wearing something sexy, it still makes no sense to me that heterosexual men, feel it necessary to grab their friend's asses. Did I grab some man ass on Halloween? Absolutely, but he was dressed as a woman, so I feel it is justified. In my mind.
Halloween has taught me that there is a little slut in every woman. Not that their clothing dictates how promiscuous they may be, but it tells that they have these clothes available. So why not wear them on, say, September 4th? I'd bet they'd be much more popular in these get ups on a random day than they are on October 31st. I also love that they can take any character, put on stockings and boots and they are instantly "dirty" whatever that character may be. Snow White with knee high boots is instantly Dirty Snow White. Have some glitter makeup and some wings. Just add a mini skirt and a see thru shirt and you have Dirty Angel. It always works for girls. I just can't see the same for any male costume. Do you wanna see Dirty Batman? I don't?
Halloween has also taught me that people's perception of their costume doesn't always translate without an explanation. If you are wearing a mouse costume, you are a mouse. If you are wearing a mouse costume and your arm is shaking, you're obviously, Michael J. Fox playing Stuart Little. If you are wearing a mouse costume, with vampire teeth and a knife sticking out of your belly, nobody knows what the fuck you are trying to be, so you must give an explanation. When you roll your eyes and say, I'm a vampire rat who was attacked by Jason, you're an asshole, not clever.
Halloween has taught me that parents have given up on originality. I was very unhappy that no child went as an aborted fetus, a malaria stricken Ethiopian or Jon Benet Ramsey. I know if I had kids they would definitely be on of these. Either that or I'd make a huge milk carton that says missing on the side and my kids face would be there. Then on the other side it would say, just kidding, I'm not missing, I'm dead. I know what you're thinking. Did he just make a joke about kids being kidnapped? Why yes I did. Not that I think kidnapped children is something to make light of, but I'm trying to make the point that if you have a kid, make the most of their Halloween. Don't dress your daughter as Ariel because you like the Little Mermaid, dress her up as Ariel if she was caught in a net, chopped up and made into fish sticks or Ariel if she was attacked by a shark. Now that would be funny. And remember, kidnapping is no laughing matter....unless you're kidnapped by a clown.
Finally, Halloween has taught me that no matter how wonderful your costume. If you are leaving a party, don't leave alone. There is nothing sadder than seeing a pretty young girl with FMPs, a miniskirt and a lace shirt getting gas at 5am. Even sadder is when you make eye contact and realize that she not only lost the costume contest, but a little bit of her dignity. Maybe Halloween isn't all that bad, because you should never underestimate the potential benefits of a girl with low self esteem.
Comments
Post a Comment