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Double Standards, Ironies and Quandaries

If a guy goes out wearing sweatpants, a baggy sweatshirt and a team cap on, he's a bum. If a girl does it, she's hot.

It's OK for a woman to wear tight short skirts in order to climb the corporate ladder, but it is completely inappropriate for a guy to look up that skirt while she's on said ladder.

30-something moms dancing to Miley Cyrus in the car...cute. Me dancing to Miley Cyrus in the car - Amber Alert.

Remember the 1980 World Series when the headlines included George Brett and 'Roids and the article was about Preparation H?

Why are the same people who want Roman Polanski's head defending Michael Jackson?

They say never wear white after labor day. Isn't every day "after" labor day until the next one?

If a guy drinks five beers, gets completely drunk by halftime and goes home, he's a social drinker. If a guy drinks 20 beers is completely coherent and goes home 10 hours later, he's a drunk.

I lived in an apartment that had a row of three lights and we called it track lighting. What do you call the lights that surround a track?

With words like paramedic and paraOlympics and paralysis, why the hell would anyone go para sailing? The outcome is inevitably going to be bad.

Is a parking meter called a parking meter because it measures time or because it's roughly 37" tall?

They say you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. Well if you are counting your chickens, they have already hatched, haven't they?

Have you ever held a stapler against your arm and thought "how much could this hurt?" Well if you do, look at a staple remover and then ask yourself that, because it does.

Why is it that people that don't smoke crack always talk about "the dangers of smoking crack?" How would they know if they haven't tried it?

The other day I bought a coffee cake for a house guest. The next morning she asked for a cup of tea with breakfast. I made her the tea, but didn't tell her about the cake. How could I? It obviously wasn't for her.

Isn't it funny how in an office if there is one of something left, nobody ever takes it? Someone always throws it away though.

How many movies have featured a guy with bad vision losing his glasses and someone stepping on them? One of them is almost always dead soon after.

I am a little squeamish when it comes to worms. So the last time I went fishing I hired a hooker and told her I had a boat and a big worm. Something got lost in the translation and she was not happy.

Do foreigners think Americans have sexy accents?

And finally: Has anyone ever had a priest tell them to "look both ways before crossing?"

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