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Random Thoughts: Tweets Version

Sometimes I want to say things, but I don't know if it's Facebook suitable, so I usually write it on Twitter.  Twitter gives me this anonymous place to vent or just air my dirty laundry without much reply or judgement from others.   So listed below are some of my tweets to show you where my head is most days.

Sometimes when my friend posts pics of the food at his restaurant actually salt my frozen pizza with tears!

Sometimes when I see people I talk about the weather...what I really mean to say is "I would rather swallow battery acid than talk to you."

Had a dream last night but I can't remember....oh wait, that wasn't a dream that was yesterday.

Why haven't strip joints jumped on groupons?

How times have changed. remember when man cave meant vagina?

Why is it that I'd rather be alone lately than hanging with "friends." says a lot about my friends.

Things not to do when sitting at home on a Friday night after arguing with someone you care about.....1. Listening to Al Green

Love having verbal jousts on Facebook. It's like being with real friends minus all the drinks poured on your head

My friend just started selling party light candles. So anyone out there with that whole wax dripping fetish....hit me up.

How is it possible I could possibly be this sore from bowling and darts?

Why do pictures of MIchele Bachmann in high school and the nanny in the Omen look alike?

Andy Rooney already made me forget about Steve Jobs.

Kardashian divorcing. Lohan back to jail...where in the hell is Paris Hilton?

I find the nicer I am to some people, they further the push me away. My continued pleasantries are my subconscious letting them go.

Just saw the crucifix scene in the Exorcist and for a minute thought it was a Michele Bachmann home sex tape.

Every time someone uses the phrase "once in a blue moon," it really makes me want to fuck a Smurf!

Religion aside, can we admit the creation of man was some high power's greatest failure?

Wait a minute the new Footloose movie isn't about a kid with a prosthetic leg?

reading watching Star Wars is how I feel watching Shawshank. I was rooting for another prison rape while trying to hang myself.

Sometimes I don't think Ted Bundy gets credit for all the men who he saved from broken hearts.

Britney Spears has 10 Millions Twitter Followers. I'm actually rooting for the Rapture now!

every time i see a picture of Beyonce without makeup, it makes me realize just how pretty the elephant man was.

You know what I miss? E.F. Hutton commercials!

I had an erection for over four hours and then found out I was the one who took the placebo.

Dear CC (Christopher Columbus), without you finding something that wasn't lost, taking what wasn't yours and killing natives. I wouldn't have off of work. Thanks!

Age has changed me. I no longer have the ability to stay mad at those I have feelings for, no matter how hard they hurt me mjesus

Can't wait til global warming really takes effect and ruins all the seasonal ales from Sam Adams. Gonna be as delicious as Sam Adams Rapture.

 Playing pool sober is like sleeping on your arm and trying to masturbate!

Just came to the conclusion I am a woman trapped in a Panda's body. But a Kung Fu panda, so it's all good!

I kinda got the creeps by the guy at the animal shelter asking the attendants which dogs liked peanut butter.

"Sunday, My house, The Notebook/Dirty Dancing double dip. F*** Football!"

Sometimes after sex, I like to smoke....a salmon

Sometimes when I eat baby carrots, I pause, wipe the tears from my eyes and think about what could have been

Being Unemployed is like a free all day pass to NSFW material.

I'm not sure if this is a pimple on my forehead or a side effect from banging that unicorn.

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