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Been A While

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything really personal on here. I didn't wrap up my year or even the holidays in any neat little package of words, because I really didn't have much to tell. I feel let down by the holidays, by people, both friends and family. I feel lost in a a repetitive episode of an awful game show, where even the winner seems less than enthused. My distance to those I once called friends is obviously taking its toll on their memory of me and mine of them. I don't reach out via text the way I used to and they don't in any ways. I have a $100+ month phone and it has rung due to a friend's call only three times since before November began. My outgoing calls have been minimal as well as I don't need small talk. All I have is small talk. Small talk and the social media connection. The funny thing about it is that I've made a "new" friend who has kept a smile on my face and two old ones too. I get the sports messages once in a while and they are a welcome addition. The reality is that my real online friends are those who don't know my situation all that well and don't feel the need to judge me or make any assumptions based on anything. They know I like movies, I'm a bit of a wise ass and I like to joke. That's pretty much all the need to know, because, it's me. Sure there are more layers, but like all friendships, we strip those away slowly.

I'm bored. I'm bored about reading about everyone's colds, their weather conditions and their daily woes. I miss talking to people about real things. Even those who actually have true problems, I miss. I miss being there with more than a "like" and a comment or two. I'm done liking your sick child or praising your parenting skills for staying up with your coughing child. If you need to be patted on the back, you probably aren't as good a parent as you think. I'm tired of people thinking Facebook is Google or the yellow pages. If I want to know where to fix something, I look it up and I'm calling that place within ten seconds. I don't need six likes to make me feel better about my household appliances being on the fritz.

On the other hand I'm thrilled with my friends having babies or who have had them. Facebook does serve a purpose in that sense. I get a warm feeling seeing fat cheeks smiling at me, even if they will never see me in person. Maybe they will and then I'll be thankful I didn't miss out on them growing up. I have weekly crushed on people and not always in that way. I have crushes on their frivolity and their tenderness. I have crushes on their vulnerability and like me, their ability to share it. Sure the 50 comments they receive proves they have better friends than I, but I don't let that get me down. The people I need to hear from aren't on these sites and the ones that are have done more than their share.

I'm thinking about how I went an entire football season not watching one game with any of guys and girls I've spent watching for 25 years. I think about how I have watched more football during the playoffs than I did the entire regular season. I think about how little college basketball I've watched and how my legacy regarding it, is not only tarnished, but an end of an era in my life has come. I hope those I owe realize I have not forgotten and will get to them. It's a thorn in my side, which hurts more than those other debts, deemed more serious by the parties involved.

It's cold, but not unbearable anymore. Thoughts of going outside to warm up are gone. Going outside at all has become a mystery to me. I was someone who was constantly walking to the store, walking to the bar, waiting for a cab, doing something outside and now, I'm a complete hermit. That will change, hopefully with the ability to walk without pain. It's still a dream of mine. Many more ailments plague me now and despite what some may think by my grizzly appearance, all hope is not lost. Those who care give me reasons to look to the future, but it is me, the future is ten minutes from now, not ten years from now. I don't even like to think about ten days. Plans. People with their plans!

I don't ever want to seem pathetic, but it is nice to get a hello once in a while. It's nice to have people say nice things in private. Not looking for a like, an immediate response or anything else that makes it about them. I am worried about two people who I have always been able to count on and them on me as we drift further and further apart, for no reason other than we are.

So much has changed and 2014 was the worst year of my life since 2004, but even more so in some ways. I can't call the seven months I had with my mother bad, so even with her passing it was better than last, because last year, I couldn't put my troubles aside and think of someone else who needed me. It was always on me and my problems and the ball dropped and like the 44 times before, nothing changed.


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