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Out With The Old, In With The Older

2014, was a tumultuous one and it ended, much the same as it played out. I went to bed angry, but airing out some of my displeasure. I awoke, well rested for the first time in ages and without a single regret. I slipped out of the warmth of flannel sheets and into the frigid air of the kitchen. The floor was if standing on ice and as I've found hours later, the heat is not even on. Twenty degrees outside and not a warm pipe to be found. I retreated back into bed, even opening the window for some air to combat the dryness of the bedroom.

I looked back at New Year's past and thought of laughter, good food and memories. Last night I had one of those. No memories can be formed in Ithaca, because there is a combination of forces that delete them from some minds. Cliched words of religious symbols, humped on our backs, is not my problem. I have my own memories, good and not, but can't be burdened with remembering for others. What is the use, if they tell themselves what they want to remember or how it will be so. I don't have that energy. None of us do.

I look back on my year and it's woes, sprinkled ever so lightly with good. I don't dwell on the negative, even though it's been 15 years since I last remember a great one. I am confused by one person's infatuation of another. It has wreaked havoc on my life and it's just plain silliness. A grasping at some youthful straws or is it more? I'm tired of holding back, as not to hurt people's feelings. It hurts mine and why should I suffer. Even at the time when someone's eyes should be their widest, they squint, just enough to distort reality. A cry for help, a last pledge of love? I saw it in his glazed eyes and I heard the feverish tapping of the keys and I knew that all my heartfelt words, meant nothing.

I look forward to the coming year and changes. If they come as I hope, I will go far away and those who will miss me will have to do it without my constant silliness or thoughtfulness, depending on how you view me in your life. I need time away. I know distance does not make any fondness grow, but I don't care. I need distance. If people want to worship others, things, false idols, that is their choice and not mine. I am above viewing anyone or anything above myself as I have for my entire life. I always say I will be more selfish, but every year, I look back and I see none of it. Do not mistake this for not being thankful for support, but there are secrets we keep, which don't allow us to tell the whole story.

To me, today is Thursday. For other's it is some sort of cosmic delete button. Visits to the gym, skipping dessert, a phone call to that friend you won't talk to until next holiday. For me it is nothing more than biding my time until football this afternoon. Maybe I'll go light for dinner and have something healthier, but that will be because of a bare cupboard, not for any other reason. Maybe some cocoa, to take the chill out as I wrap blankets around my already layered body. Maybe a sip of something to take the edge off, although I feel much more secure with that edge on.

Six months sober and this is an awful thing. I can't laugh at those things that might normally bother me. I can't forgive the repetitive nature of this new life. I can't forget the toes I can not feel. I can't laugh with someone feeling the same effects I feel. I can't text or call and thank someone for good times. I can't mistakenly (or not) say the wrong thing to the right girl. No chance for any of this lately and I miss it. No I don't miss it, honestly. What I miss is not waking up and knowing the entire script for the day is already written. As is tomorrow's and the next.
Tap Tap Tap
sip
fawn over youth
silence
repeat yesterday's life
stumble
repeat the same three questions
movie
computer
sunrise
sleep.

2015?

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