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Feeling Old

For the first time since my surgery last June, I feel old. The heat and length of the day took its toll. Not fatigue that made me sleep, I still came home, had a drink, took a shower, talked to Swag, entertained the landlord's kids briefly, then watched a movie, before falling asleep around 11 PM. nearly 20 hours awake could explain it, but the fact I only slept four hours last night, feeling somewhat mentally rested, makes me think it's something else. There were little things throughout the day. A disconnect, not with the people in their teens or twenties, but with the one in his 30's. A work ethic, a sincerity, a reasoning for being there. At one point, despite adoring it, I felt as though I didn't belong. Maybe this is simply a continuation of the last blog, which is a continuation of reflection. It's nearly 7 AM, I've been awake for an hour and I've cleaned the kitchen floors and counters while cooking my lunch for the day. Swag and the fish were taken care of first.  I'm ready to go and don't have to be there for an hour. Yesterday I arrived 30 minutes early. Not bragging, trust me, nobody cared. I miss Quaker Ridge. I always felt I belonged but maybe it was because it was mine. I was working less, making what I make in a week in an hour or two. Maybe money, no matter how I try to ignore it, is controlling my thoughts. Can money, or lack thereof make one feel old? Is knowing people my age have spouses, kids, and a yard if not, a setting they're proud of? Funny thing is I take pride in everything I touch, everything I do, and everyone I call a friend. I keep thinking about my grandmother, surrounded by family, longing for friends. At 100, they'd all left long before her. I fear sometimes I'll be last. Alone, even in the company of others. Is this what feeling old is or is it something else?

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