While my delusions of grandeur are overrated and there are maybe 15 people who follow my blog, it has caused my frustration that I can't write lately. Not because I feel some masterpiece is going to flow from my fingertips, but this blog has been a true source of therapy for me.
I haven't really been able to concentrate on anything lately. I have two movies that have been sitting waiting to be viewed for weeks and someone gave me the first season of The Wire and I have yet to start it. Even baseball games have me flipping away and searching for something to stimulate. The other day, I was on my computer and I looked at the screen and realized I was losing my mind. I had so many windows open it was crazy. I was tweeting, on Facebook chat, checking scores, playing a game on my phone, checking the weather, writing a blog and reading articles about the economy. All this while I had the TV on and was eating.
It seems recently, I don't have the ability to do one thing at a time and enjoy it. Even when I'm out, I seem to watch a game, talk to friends, but I find myself listening to other conversations as well. Almost needing to interject, just to have something new to process. The ironic thing, is that it's not a good thing. Sure, I've always been able to multitask. I'm not one of these people who can't talk on the phone while a game is on or while I'm cooking or online. I can handle this, but today was a perfect example. I went to CVS to get razor blades, a greeting card and soap. I ended up walking home with razor blades, toilet paper, paper towels and Pringles. I got home and realized I had forgot the card. Then I jumped into the shower and realized I had forgotten the soap. Amazing that it actually took me until then to realize the two things I'd forgotten. Sounds minor, but it's adding up. I opened my wallet this morning and realized there is a check for over $600 in it that I still haven't deposited. How does one, who is a little broke, forget to do this?
I think I need to get away. I'm supposed to visit my father next week and I think the slower pace up in Ithaca might be the answer. It was so rejuvenating last summer and I hope for it to be a similar experience. I also need some time away from home. I need to look at things from a distance. Lately, I've been doing a lot of procrastinating about important things, but maniacally obsessing over the little stuff. I've been pushing certain people away from me and embracing those who have hurt me. It's almost as if I'm trying to get my life to a place where I don't want to be. I've forgiven some people who were truly bad to me and I've let some true friendships fall by the wayside. I just don't have the energy to keep up and it's haunting me. I have friends who I truly love that i haven't spoken to in over a year, some even two. I have people who I could live without, who I can't escape and I don't even try.
Even now, I stopped writing this blog, to play three games of Words With Friends. Tomorrow, I have a wedding to go to. I waited until tonight to realize that I don't have a clean dress shirt. I've known the date of this wedding for a year. I need to go back to what I did a few months ago and put together a list of goals. Daily and weekly goals. I need to get on a normal schedule. I need a change, albeit major change. I think I should start with the small things and maybe the bigger ones will fall into place. I know I can't keep going with my mind racing the way it has been. It's not healthy.
I haven't really been able to concentrate on anything lately. I have two movies that have been sitting waiting to be viewed for weeks and someone gave me the first season of The Wire and I have yet to start it. Even baseball games have me flipping away and searching for something to stimulate. The other day, I was on my computer and I looked at the screen and realized I was losing my mind. I had so many windows open it was crazy. I was tweeting, on Facebook chat, checking scores, playing a game on my phone, checking the weather, writing a blog and reading articles about the economy. All this while I had the TV on and was eating.
It seems recently, I don't have the ability to do one thing at a time and enjoy it. Even when I'm out, I seem to watch a game, talk to friends, but I find myself listening to other conversations as well. Almost needing to interject, just to have something new to process. The ironic thing, is that it's not a good thing. Sure, I've always been able to multitask. I'm not one of these people who can't talk on the phone while a game is on or while I'm cooking or online. I can handle this, but today was a perfect example. I went to CVS to get razor blades, a greeting card and soap. I ended up walking home with razor blades, toilet paper, paper towels and Pringles. I got home and realized I had forgot the card. Then I jumped into the shower and realized I had forgotten the soap. Amazing that it actually took me until then to realize the two things I'd forgotten. Sounds minor, but it's adding up. I opened my wallet this morning and realized there is a check for over $600 in it that I still haven't deposited. How does one, who is a little broke, forget to do this?
I think I need to get away. I'm supposed to visit my father next week and I think the slower pace up in Ithaca might be the answer. It was so rejuvenating last summer and I hope for it to be a similar experience. I also need some time away from home. I need to look at things from a distance. Lately, I've been doing a lot of procrastinating about important things, but maniacally obsessing over the little stuff. I've been pushing certain people away from me and embracing those who have hurt me. It's almost as if I'm trying to get my life to a place where I don't want to be. I've forgiven some people who were truly bad to me and I've let some true friendships fall by the wayside. I just don't have the energy to keep up and it's haunting me. I have friends who I truly love that i haven't spoken to in over a year, some even two. I have people who I could live without, who I can't escape and I don't even try.
Even now, I stopped writing this blog, to play three games of Words With Friends. Tomorrow, I have a wedding to go to. I waited until tonight to realize that I don't have a clean dress shirt. I've known the date of this wedding for a year. I need to go back to what I did a few months ago and put together a list of goals. Daily and weekly goals. I need to get on a normal schedule. I need a change, albeit major change. I think I should start with the small things and maybe the bigger ones will fall into place. I know I can't keep going with my mind racing the way it has been. It's not healthy.
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