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The Yin & Yang Of Stuff (Sort Of)

I don't know if this is about the world, my world, or me. I really don't. I notice stuff. According to some, I notice too much. I notice nuances, routines, quirks, strengths, flaws, and everything in between. I notice them and, at times, I dwell.

I have written about OCD before. I am not afflicted, nor are most who claim to be. I am a clean freak, but I am not neat. I was not always this way. Other people's mess has created this. People who work with kids will understand where this comes from, but mine came from a time in my life where chaos was the norm and I began to control what I could. I embraced all that others did not do. Odd? Maybe, but it made me survive. If you have ever spent an extended time in a hotel or motel, you appreciate the order.

I value family but not in the public, social media sense. I crave that inclusion. I miss my mother, the glue of our family. I miss knowing each holiday was going to be special. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite day of the year, now it's just another Thursday. I notice people who stress, then break plans, shorten the day, fake illness. If I could, my home would cater to all the friends and family I view as important but, like my mother, be open to those who had nowhere else to go. I don't just say that.

I miss my friends but as moving will teach you, they're not always the ones you expect. I always wanted to live somewhere where I could invite them over, instead of hitting the bar. Now I live in that kind of place and my friends are 230 miles away. I miss them and their friends. The knowledge that people with houses can and do always have friends and family over and if lucky, like I was, you're always included. Backyard barbecues, wine and cheese, dinner, movie nights, or just a cooler and a fire. This was a big part of my life and it's gone. At times, knowing others have this opportunity and ignore it hurts.

I miss accountability. Maybe it's my age, my upbringing, my sense of awareness. I walk in the house and put my shoes away. I feed the fish, then Swag, the dogs if I'm responsible. I do my laundry, fold it and put it away. I'm at work early, every day. I never miss it. I'm never late. I offer to do more, stay late, pick up the slack. I am not rewarded, I just believe I'm helping someone who needs it or doing something for someone who just couldn't finish. I know I have debts and for this, I have not been accountable. It wears on me. I live with great shame and guilt over this. It is in my thoughts every day and I intend to pay back each and every one of them. Even those which have been greatly exaggerated.

I try to be better each day. It's a cliche but I mean it. I try to learn something new each day and not simply through experience. I dive into things I don't understand, at times too much. I try to pass it on but as I realize, in today's world, people are happy to "know what they know." I realize unintelligent people don't realize they are unintelligent. Maybe it's because they are the smart one in their group, maybe it's that ignorance truly is bliss, I do not know. I am trying to find out but don't want to ask "Do you know you're stupid." I try to be kind. The uneducated and happily so is my one prejudice. I judge.

I hate blogs where my paragraphs start with "I." I feel selfish, almost putting emphasis on who I am when really, I'm simply the product of who I've grown up around and who I learn from. My surroundings are my teachers and for that I am thankful. Some may call it ego, but I'm proud of how I've changed, even if the results show more of my failures than achievements. I hate repetition and has just dawned on me that I may have a blog with a similar title. If you've read this, thank you. When I started this, I was always amazed at how many people I thought loved me, didn't have the time to read it. The world is just not that busy a place.

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