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Jewelry/Candle/Sex Toy Parties vs Fantasy Sports

A few weeks ago I thought out loud and stated that "Women have all these Jewelry, candle, and sex toy parties, but what do men have?" Someone, who I wish I could give credit, but my memory is fading, explained that men have fantasy sports. At first, this made complete sense. I have repeated these words a few times in the last few weeks and thought it to be true. Then I started thinking about this and found it to be completely false. Follow me as I break it down.

These so-called parties involve one person making money, one person getting free stuff for hosting a party, and a group of people buying stuff they don't really need to help a friend out. Occasionally they get a ring, a candle or a sex toy that just, er, fits them to a tee, but usually it's a guilt purchase. For guys, we all go in knowing we're spending the same amount, and have the knowledge that nearly half of us will get our money back, with one or two people actually making a decent amount.

Let's take the host and hostess of these events. The hostess of the item parties has to clean the house, put out snacks and might have to supply some alcohol to induce a feeding frenzy for her guest. The host of a fantasy football draft has to make 10-16 phone calls and tell his cheap friends to bring what they want to eat and drink or they all agree to get pizza.

When the women are invited to these parties, not all can come. Just realize that if you are the one not attending, your name is being mentioned the most. Women are catty. If you are a guy and not attending a fantasy draft, you should have your head examined. Did I mention you can win money?

Women assume these things are worth the cost of purchase, because their friend is getting money from this, and what is better than helping a friend. Men know what each player is worth, except that one friend who hasn't watched sports since he got married unless his wife is at a sex toy party during football season, but then the kids start crying and he has to explain to his children that mommy will be home and she loves them and daddy, but not as much as ten years ago, and she's buying supplies to make the her happy.

These parties all involve alcohol and for women it makes for more spending, more cattiness and the better chance if it's our favorite kind of party that they will talk about their significant others shortcomings. For men, it will be a three hour conversation about how AJ Burnett shouldn't have been a fourth round pick because of his injury history (ladies, trust me on this one).

Then there is the whole single/married dilemma. Single ladies will buy more jewelry and more flashy jewelry to attract the opposite sex. Married women will take the less noticeable stuff and hope their husbands don't ask how much it cost. If asked they will explain they are helping out a friend. Married women will buy candles that give off a pleasant aroma to hide their husbands odors. Single women will buy them for seduction. Married women will buy sex toys to pleasure themselves. Single women will buy toys to enhance their chance encounters in hopes to lure a man. Married men will check their fantasy teams at lunch during work or when the wife runs out quickly. Single men will check their teams 24/7.

Finally there is the enjoyment that results in these events. Women in two weeks will wish they didn't spend the money on the ring, buy the lavender candle that smells more like bathroom soap, and find that these toys don't cuddle with you afterward. Men will look at their team, no matter how bad and be pleased at their expertise in sport knowledge.

The worst part will be that for women, in two weeks someone else will call you and ask you to come to another party. The worst part for guys, is that you will have that annoying friend who wants you to trade him Johan Santana for a middle reliever and a guy on the DL.

This is the equivelant? I think not.

Comments

  1. Hopper,
    This is the best! Sometimes I wonder about myself... am I a man! Cuz I don't do those girlie parties and I related more to the fantasy sports than the girlie parties. But I do love buying a good vibrator here and there!
    Women always make things more complicated to find things to fill their spare time. I am perfectly content check my fantasy teams all day long. How else would I have met my hubby, T.O.???
    Keep on writing!!
    And I look forward to the Adventures of Lil Flat Hopper!

    ReplyDelete

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