Why is it when a female says "age is just a number" it's sexy and mysterious, but when a guy says it, it's a felony?
I only think dogs are man's best friend if there's some Skippy involved.
How many people do you think died when crosswalks were invented?
They say misery loves company, but so does happiness. I know nothing gives me more joy than telling someone who thinks they have it good, I have it better.
I once got in trouble with a police officer, but he was a vice versa cop, so I arrested him.
Next time you have the right of way and the other person has a yield sign, think very quickly of how many people you know can give a clear definition of the word yield.
An older woman who likes younger men is called a cougar. An older man who likes a younger woman is called a dog. And two older people that like each other are called Alzheimer patients.
I hate cliches. The next time you're on a date and it's not going so well, if your date says "look at the time," stare at a clock until she gets up and leaves.
Someone described themselves to me as a sloppy perfectionist. This can only be useful if you're Jackson Pollack or giving oral sex.
For the longest time I thought All You Can Eat was a Jimmy Buffett album.
Have you ever hit someone in the face and their blood gets all over you? Thank goodness for Champs 4/$20 shirt sales.
I've never understood the term One Night Stand, because rarely is there any standing involved.
There's a dating website called plentyoffish.com, because of the phrase there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't think people who captain oil tankers or fisherman should be able to frequent this site.
I used to think my cousin was cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but then I realized he's schizophrenic.
My neighbor gave his dog a bone. Who knew that is illegal in NY?
And to all the people who have commented on my negative Facebook status updates. I apologize. I can't always be the funny one. Why don't you try it. Instead of putting up pictures of your kids, your pets, and your swimming pools. I know where you live and I will pee in the pool!
I only think dogs are man's best friend if there's some Skippy involved.
How many people do you think died when crosswalks were invented?
They say misery loves company, but so does happiness. I know nothing gives me more joy than telling someone who thinks they have it good, I have it better.
I once got in trouble with a police officer, but he was a vice versa cop, so I arrested him.
Next time you have the right of way and the other person has a yield sign, think very quickly of how many people you know can give a clear definition of the word yield.
An older woman who likes younger men is called a cougar. An older man who likes a younger woman is called a dog. And two older people that like each other are called Alzheimer patients.
I hate cliches. The next time you're on a date and it's not going so well, if your date says "look at the time," stare at a clock until she gets up and leaves.
Someone described themselves to me as a sloppy perfectionist. This can only be useful if you're Jackson Pollack or giving oral sex.
For the longest time I thought All You Can Eat was a Jimmy Buffett album.
Have you ever hit someone in the face and their blood gets all over you? Thank goodness for Champs 4/$20 shirt sales.
I've never understood the term One Night Stand, because rarely is there any standing involved.
There's a dating website called plentyoffish.com, because of the phrase there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't think people who captain oil tankers or fisherman should be able to frequent this site.
I used to think my cousin was cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but then I realized he's schizophrenic.
My neighbor gave his dog a bone. Who knew that is illegal in NY?
And to all the people who have commented on my negative Facebook status updates. I apologize. I can't always be the funny one. Why don't you try it. Instead of putting up pictures of your kids, your pets, and your swimming pools. I know where you live and I will pee in the pool!
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