Tonight was my recently, or was it long-time ex-girlfriend's grandmother's wake, I'm still not sure when exactly we decided we weren't going out. Now I'm sure she doesn't believe me, but in fact I did intend to go. A lack of sleep, a long day, and the weather played it's part in my hour long nap turning into a 3 1/2 hour nap. Ironically, that's more than I usually get at night. So it was much needed. I feel sorry, I didn't make it, because I think it reflects badly on me. I am caring and sensitive, but it will be seen in one way, because she knows, I don't do wakes.
Here's my feeling about wakes (and I hope that the person who recently lost someone does not take this in any way personally). Wakes are a gathering of people paying respect and admiration for someone they didn't find time to do in life. I know that sounds harsh, but I try and do things with people while they are alive, rather than turn up to watch them laid out, utter some kind words to the grieving family, and then ask this one or that which bar they are hitting afterwards. To me, wakes are somewhat phony. Unless you're Jewish, the wake usually takes place a few days after the person has died and the family is, in most cases over it. Not truly over it, but if there was a lingering illness and the death wasn't sudden, they have already grieved in private. To pull up those emotions again seems unfair.
People show up to wakes in all different fashions. Some wear their best suit, some a nice pair of pants and a shirt, and some show up straight from wherever they were coming, pop their head in and leave. I've always felt if I'm going to go, I should dress nicer than when I'm sitting at the beach, but that is just me. Honestly, the person in the casket doesn't care and when it boils down to it, the people who are standing or sitting there grieving don't seem to care either.
Wakes have always concerned me because of the look on the families faces as they stand to accept hollow condolences one after the other. The idea that standing for two to three hours, shaking hands with friends, family, and complete strangers brings some solace is ludicrous. It just prolongs the act of healing. These are usually ended with some tribute and words carried down by God and the assurance that this person is going to a better place. If they were suffering, it's highly likely this it true, but in reality, unless you're a Gardener, you don't fully understand where you are going. Maybe a tree, a flower, or maybe just the grass on top of you. Cremation. Well you're eternity is spent in an urn and trust me, you are not in the least bothered.
So why am I so callous and have these horrible feelings? I'm not. Death is a reality. Many times a sad reality. It's always painful when someone is taken from us too soon. I've gone through it and dealt with it. Do I believe that my loved ones are in a batter place. Well years of cancer, Alzheimer's and dementia would have me believe yes. Do I believe they dance on clouds listening to cherubs play harps while the Holy One throws them Frisbees and makes them milkshakes? No. I believe that death is as much a part of life as birth. I believe that death teaches us lessons about ourselves that make us grow more than life can ever teaches us. I just think wakes are a hoax. It's like a hallmark card from the Grim Reaper. To me it's senseless.
I know many will read this with complete disagreement, but I ask you to hesitate. When you step foot into your next wake, I want you to ask yourself. Did I do enough to say goodbye (even if death was not inevitable) while the person was alive? Did I ask that friend you are going out of respect for how things were going? Did I even know this person, or am I going through the motions in some robotic form, because society says when a friends family member dies we must go out of support.
I support my friends in life. I let them know I'm there for them in sickness and in health. They know this. When it's time to grieve, I let them know I'm there for them, if needed, then let them grieve on their own terms with their loved ones. It takes only one person to appreciate one's life once it has ended. You do not need a parade of well dressed zombies to show these emotions. The people that really care do not need directions from the local paper. They have always been there and always will.
Here's my feeling about wakes (and I hope that the person who recently lost someone does not take this in any way personally). Wakes are a gathering of people paying respect and admiration for someone they didn't find time to do in life. I know that sounds harsh, but I try and do things with people while they are alive, rather than turn up to watch them laid out, utter some kind words to the grieving family, and then ask this one or that which bar they are hitting afterwards. To me, wakes are somewhat phony. Unless you're Jewish, the wake usually takes place a few days after the person has died and the family is, in most cases over it. Not truly over it, but if there was a lingering illness and the death wasn't sudden, they have already grieved in private. To pull up those emotions again seems unfair.
People show up to wakes in all different fashions. Some wear their best suit, some a nice pair of pants and a shirt, and some show up straight from wherever they were coming, pop their head in and leave. I've always felt if I'm going to go, I should dress nicer than when I'm sitting at the beach, but that is just me. Honestly, the person in the casket doesn't care and when it boils down to it, the people who are standing or sitting there grieving don't seem to care either.
Wakes have always concerned me because of the look on the families faces as they stand to accept hollow condolences one after the other. The idea that standing for two to three hours, shaking hands with friends, family, and complete strangers brings some solace is ludicrous. It just prolongs the act of healing. These are usually ended with some tribute and words carried down by God and the assurance that this person is going to a better place. If they were suffering, it's highly likely this it true, but in reality, unless you're a Gardener, you don't fully understand where you are going. Maybe a tree, a flower, or maybe just the grass on top of you. Cremation. Well you're eternity is spent in an urn and trust me, you are not in the least bothered.
So why am I so callous and have these horrible feelings? I'm not. Death is a reality. Many times a sad reality. It's always painful when someone is taken from us too soon. I've gone through it and dealt with it. Do I believe that my loved ones are in a batter place. Well years of cancer, Alzheimer's and dementia would have me believe yes. Do I believe they dance on clouds listening to cherubs play harps while the Holy One throws them Frisbees and makes them milkshakes? No. I believe that death is as much a part of life as birth. I believe that death teaches us lessons about ourselves that make us grow more than life can ever teaches us. I just think wakes are a hoax. It's like a hallmark card from the Grim Reaper. To me it's senseless.
I know many will read this with complete disagreement, but I ask you to hesitate. When you step foot into your next wake, I want you to ask yourself. Did I do enough to say goodbye (even if death was not inevitable) while the person was alive? Did I ask that friend you are going out of respect for how things were going? Did I even know this person, or am I going through the motions in some robotic form, because society says when a friends family member dies we must go out of support.
I support my friends in life. I let them know I'm there for them in sickness and in health. They know this. When it's time to grieve, I let them know I'm there for them, if needed, then let them grieve on their own terms with their loved ones. It takes only one person to appreciate one's life once it has ended. You do not need a parade of well dressed zombies to show these emotions. The people that really care do not need directions from the local paper. They have always been there and always will.
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