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A Few Theories I Have

Women are given a handbook at birth called "never let them know what you mean." Men receive a handbook that is called "and a side of bacon."

Man got too cocky in the 80's and now all pizzerias suck.  Tombstone is officially the best pizza made.

Fashion is cyclical.  I was with a girl wearing a snap bracelet watch, then saw girls wearing daisy dukes and a guy wearing mirrored shades.  Thank goodness I saved all my Zubaz pants.

The rise in gas prices is a test.  Bottled water costs more per gallon and nobody realizes.

Your teenage girls dressing like whores is punishment for you wearing a jeans jacket with a Stryper patch on it.  Or was it Winger?

Pixar movies are proof that drugs aren't really all that bad.  Drugs are proof that you can watch pretty much anything that looks cool.

About three years ago, Oprah relieved God of his duties.  How else do you explain Obama being fortunate enough to run against an old codger and a blunt force trauma victim?  Oh wait, Sarah Palin wasn't bashed in the head?  My bad!

Tiger Woods is the face of Golf - adulterer/sex addict.  Kobe is the face of basketball - rapist/anti-gay.  Ray Lewis is the face of football - murderer/liar.  A-Rod is the face of baseball - steroid user/jerk.  Keeping buying your kids their jerseys and then wonder why at 21 they are working in a meth lab.

The Rapture is coming and it's not going to be decided by any religious happenstance.  If you watch the Jersey Shore, say hi to the devil for me.

Cooking shows are some of the highest rated shows on TV, yet nobody can cook.  Proof that the average person's cognitive skills are that of a turkeys.

Ellen Degeneres, Britney Spears and Sarah Jessica Parker are proof that unattractive and fairly talentless women can be hugely succesful thanks in part to women with low self esteem.  Jimmy Fallon, Drake and Chris Klein are proof that women with low self esteem will like any guy with nice teeth.

Women say guys are pigs.  And this is why we love bacon.

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