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#500

About three and half years ago I started this blog.  I've abandoned it. I've gone to another site, but I've come back for different reasons.  When the blog started, it was meant to be comical.  Then it turned serious.  Finally it turned into a therapy session for me at time.  The worst part about the blog has been the fact that it's kept me from writing anything substantial.  The best part, is it's allowed me to work through some problems I just haven't had others to help me with.  I've had as many as 60 people read my blog and I've had as few as one.  Sure I'd love it if thousands of people read it.  I'd be happy if all my friends and family read it, but the reality is, everyone is busy with their own thing.

I've delved into my personal life way more than I had ever wanted to and many have actually been worried for me.  It's never gotten that bad, trust me.  The blog has seen an angry time in my life.  Not anger, so much as frustration.  My financial and work situation isn't where I want it to be and I'm actually quite frightened by what the future does or doesn't hold.  It's seen me go through three relationships, all ending on somewhat sour notes.  It's seen me angry about the world we live in and the direction we're heading.  My lack of faith in humanity and the hypocritical nature of those who preach religion and tolerance, while being neither.

For the most part however it's truly been what is advertised.  My thoughts.  I realize I don't think you like you and that's OK.  I wake up in the morning and I wipe the sand from my eyes and the first thing I think of is something outlandish.  I have dreams of walking in the woods with certain people I feel close to, yet I hate hiking. I want to cook every day and dine by candlelight, but I usually sit and lay in bed, with something I've thrown together in minutes.  I want to discuss important things, thought provoking things, but I end up arguing about the Yankees. I like to have fun, but I don't.  I wish I could go to sleep, awake to a busy day and not bother with all the silliness I do.  I wish there were people to talk to who stimulated me every day and made life a little more interesting, but the reality is, we covet our routines.  I do not.

I've attempted recently to dive into the exercise of  free writing and while it helps my mind straighten out, it's pretty much crap.  There is no real focus.  Maybe there is and I don't know anymore.  The irony is when I write things that matter to me or tell of good things, my site gets maybe 10-12 hits.  When I write of woes or silliness, I get double or triple.  People seem to crave my misery as if to feel better about themselves.  This is true on Facebook as well.  It's a sickness that has been created by social media.  Our desire to see others struggle more than we.  I don't like it one bit and it's hurt my feelings many a time.

I don't know where this blog is going and many times, I feel it's not worth it.  For now, I'll keep it going for me.  For whoever else is bored and needs something to read on the train or while filling a gap in their days. Maybe one day, my life will have a little more purpose and fulfillment and nobody will care to read.  Maybe then I will find it within myself to write something that is actually worth reading.  For those of you who have read it and given me some kinds, it means a lot and I thank you.  For those who have had negative things to say, I thank you too for taking the time out of your day and I apologize for wasting your time.  Either way, it's nice to know someone people are willing to take those 5-10 minutes for me.  Many thanks.

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