Four years ago today, I made the decision to go meat-free. If you knew me before this decision, you'd be quite shocked, as I was known for being a true carnivore. Burgers with bacon, thick steaks dripping with their juices, medium-rare pork chops, loads of fish, and pretty much any and all exotic meats I could get my hands on. I was overweight, but internally I was technically healthy. So I thought. Six months into my journey, I started to feel terrible. Skeptics pointed to the lack of protein in my diet, but I was definitely charting this course with a nutritional app called myfitnesspal.com and knew my protein intake was right where it needed to be. I was taking a multivitamin for the first time in my life and making sure to "eat right." The only problem was, I wasn't. I wasn't only eating unhealthy, I was also contradicting the entire moral and ethical reason for my choice by continuing to eat dairy and eggs. I also felt bloated and had begun to gain some weight back. Six months later I made the switch to a vegan lifestyle and it made all the difference in the world.
Here's the problem. I've been bad lately. I've always been willing to eat something a child made for me, but those times were few and far between. My decision to eat non-vegan food in these instances was because while I was going against my own personal choice, the happiness of accepting another's generosity, especially a child, outweighed my personal decision. I also tried to make the moment a teaching lesson, finding along the way that most children do not actually associate the food they eat with the adorable animals they love. This dissonance is all part of the meat and dairy industries stranglehold on what our society, even our medical field, views as nutritious eating. Back to my personal failures. Recently, I've been craving fat. While vegan butter, oils, and avocados are part of my diet, I have been strongly missing the fat in food that soaks up a night of drinking. I realize this is probably comparable to those people who only smoke when they drink, tricking themselves into believing they are non-smokers. So I'm coming clean. In the past few weeks, I've cheated knowingly. I've cheated unknowingly a few times, especially at the beginning of this change in life and behaviors. Last night, after a few too many beers, I actually willingly ate meat for only the third time in four years and for the first time, it was more than just a taste. Worst of all, it was fast food. I can honestly say, I regret it internally, emotionally, and spiritually. I should not, I think spirituality is a crock, but I'm using it, because of the immense guilt I felt after I had finished eating.
So why am I writing this? Well, first off, I've often stated that this blog is much like a psychiatrist's couch for me. It allows me to rant, rave, vent, seek advice (from my better self), and repent. This isn't so much of a confession as it is a promise to recommit myself to the lifestyle I have chosen. Second, and most important. I made a decision, based on desire, without thinking of the consequences. Do I have to hit reset and say I'm not vegan? No, but there was some irony in my decision, in that earlier in the day, I showed a lack of morality by mocking a hunter who was badly injured while trying to take advantage of a beautiful animal. In doing so, I chose one animal over another, which is the basis for my decision to become vegan. To turn on my own kind makes little sense and there's quite some hypocrisy in criticizing someone who is hunting to feed his family, while I've spent much of my life in supermarket meals hunting for the perfect slab of flesh.
I've learned that guilt is only real if produces change. We all say we feel guilty when we do wrong to others or ourselves, but when those behaviors continue, is it really guilt or is it simply shame for being caught. I wasn't caught doing anything I don't have every right to do, but I feel great guilt because in a moment of desire, which is in most cases weakness, I chose poorly. If I am not to learn from this, then all this change, which I hold with such pride, means nothing. So yesterday was the worst I've been in four years and I sincerely hope I can say that it will continue to be the worst I've been, tomorrow, and for years to come.
Here's the problem. I've been bad lately. I've always been willing to eat something a child made for me, but those times were few and far between. My decision to eat non-vegan food in these instances was because while I was going against my own personal choice, the happiness of accepting another's generosity, especially a child, outweighed my personal decision. I also tried to make the moment a teaching lesson, finding along the way that most children do not actually associate the food they eat with the adorable animals they love. This dissonance is all part of the meat and dairy industries stranglehold on what our society, even our medical field, views as nutritious eating. Back to my personal failures. Recently, I've been craving fat. While vegan butter, oils, and avocados are part of my diet, I have been strongly missing the fat in food that soaks up a night of drinking. I realize this is probably comparable to those people who only smoke when they drink, tricking themselves into believing they are non-smokers. So I'm coming clean. In the past few weeks, I've cheated knowingly. I've cheated unknowingly a few times, especially at the beginning of this change in life and behaviors. Last night, after a few too many beers, I actually willingly ate meat for only the third time in four years and for the first time, it was more than just a taste. Worst of all, it was fast food. I can honestly say, I regret it internally, emotionally, and spiritually. I should not, I think spirituality is a crock, but I'm using it, because of the immense guilt I felt after I had finished eating.
So why am I writing this? Well, first off, I've often stated that this blog is much like a psychiatrist's couch for me. It allows me to rant, rave, vent, seek advice (from my better self), and repent. This isn't so much of a confession as it is a promise to recommit myself to the lifestyle I have chosen. Second, and most important. I made a decision, based on desire, without thinking of the consequences. Do I have to hit reset and say I'm not vegan? No, but there was some irony in my decision, in that earlier in the day, I showed a lack of morality by mocking a hunter who was badly injured while trying to take advantage of a beautiful animal. In doing so, I chose one animal over another, which is the basis for my decision to become vegan. To turn on my own kind makes little sense and there's quite some hypocrisy in criticizing someone who is hunting to feed his family, while I've spent much of my life in supermarket meals hunting for the perfect slab of flesh.
I've learned that guilt is only real if produces change. We all say we feel guilty when we do wrong to others or ourselves, but when those behaviors continue, is it really guilt or is it simply shame for being caught. I wasn't caught doing anything I don't have every right to do, but I feel great guilt because in a moment of desire, which is in most cases weakness, I chose poorly. If I am not to learn from this, then all this change, which I hold with such pride, means nothing. So yesterday was the worst I've been in four years and I sincerely hope I can say that it will continue to be the worst I've been, tomorrow, and for years to come.
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