Things Keeping Me Up

I have had insomnia for so long, it has become the norm. Between the stress that caused it initially to the financial woes, much self-inflicted, to the loneliness that is my existence, the night is when I have always had the most energy, whether in movement or in the mind. Lately, it's a combination of my schedule, often my cat, Swag's schedule, and my odd work schedule. While I'm working more, often seven days a week, the hours aren't steady, often not similar, and my tiny social life has made me feel, for the first time in almost two decades, exhausted. I blame nobody but myself.

I rarely feel physically exhausted, but mentally, I feel like a triathlete. I'm consumed by thoughts of the past, poor decisions, and good ones, but mostly I'm faced with the lack of change. I recently read a quote that stated that if we refuse to change what makes us unhappy, it becomes a choice. While I agree in theory, there is, at times, the simple act of survival we must accept. I do not mean physically, but giving up all which brings you stress, can often leave one without a place to live, food, a job, or friends.

Recently, I've been stuck in a rut mentally. I have accepted that my little excursions to the local market, bar, and even the daily moments at work, are my social life. Where once there were plans, even those which involved running into a number of acquaintances daily without such planning, became the norm. The number of people I said hello to and conversed within a single evening is now the number I converse within a number of months. The joke of me being the mayor of one town has seen me turn into the stranger in another. I have no changed who I am and don't really want to, but the me I am now is not attractive to most. I, of course, do not mean this sexually, although that would not be false either, but there seems to be something about me that doesn't not stir interest in those who surround me. Not once, in all my time here, has anyone truly engaged me in any type of conversation that explored who I am, despite me knowing quite a bit about those I've met. I assume I come across as reserved, polite, possibly even uninteresting to those around me. I drink my beer, watch my sports, laugh at their jokes, and show interest in their stories. The reciprocating cycle of conversation has been lost and despite some of these people even being roommates, I've somewhat become a magnet for selfishness, despite committing my life to be as selfless as I've ever been. This thought process, in today's America, leaves me internally and externally flawed. My dream for my future is not shared by many, as I wish to be in a remote locale, surrounded by animals, with the occasional visit from the outside world. I'm well aware this most likely will never come to fruition, as money, debts, and even my desire for a connection has not dissipated, even if it is not likely.

The thing is, these things that keep me awake are not always the same. They don't target my same weaknesses, strengths, and desires change frequently. Maybe the better, more simple truth is, I do not know what I want in life, I simply know I want little of what it resembles now, resembled before, and in many ways resembles since the beginning. I want to learn more, both of the outside world and of myself, but my reflection on both has hardened me. I write here, on occasion, to put my life in perspective, but have I really gained any? Probably not. Simple woes, outside behaviors, and the world that saddens me, is in my face so often, it's difficult to concentrate on myself at times. I've had help, more than most, so I am aware I am not alone. Often though, it's the lack of looking into another set of eyes and seeing understanding. I've long missed that and have been without it for so long I often look away or down, to avoid the blank stares of those who feign understanding, all the while thinking about how they can make it about themselves. This, possibly more than anything, is what keeps me up the most.