As is often the case, I wrote a somewhat long, drawn-out blog about my lack of a day yesterday. I then deleted it and started all over, changing it, then coming back to the initial concept, but with a much less bitter tone. I of course came back to something similar, which unravelled into this mess. So bear with me. A lot is on my mind.
With the exception of some reciprocal greetings, I was universally ignored by those who spend much of their "busy" time boasting of how their door is always open, nothing means more than friends and family, and my favorite, how one can never be too busy for those they care about. To be honest, it hurt. I could care less about those who I know are phony and simply create a facade of human decency, living their lives for none other than themselves. Those who aren't even friends with their children, grandchildren, or even spouses, simply manufacturing a picture of what they believe love is supposed to be. I care about those I feel for. I was hurt by not hearing from them. Some reached out earlier, and that is so very much appreciated, but the culmination of emptiness and silence on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was something I did not expect.
So how do I move on and not let the negatives affect me? How do I forgive? Do I? Yes.
I have decided to write it off as being a mutual fault. I have decided to realize most people aren't who they say, creating a facade to placate themselves and to hide their insecurities, fears, and failures. I also realize that people, for the most part, crave being liked and will say or do anything to be so. This sounds awful, but this is who we are as humans. So now that I've destroyed the myth of people being good and true to themselves, how is this forgiveness, and what about me? Well here's the harder part of the equation. I need to stop being unrealistic. Not in my expectations of others, but in my own expectations of who I am. Who I am, controls much of how my expectations are consistently unrealized. As someone once pointed out to me, in the most tumultuous time, I have to stop expecting people to react as I would (or even as would be expected by societal norms). I will accept that I am not as important in their lives as I feel I am. I must also let go of allowing these people to be as important in my life as they wish to be. It will be hard, but in forgiveness, I can allow myself to view our relationships for what they are. I can be open to them about who they are and they may do so with me. Honesty is very rarely the best policy with standard relationships, but when we strip ourselves of lying about the importance of these relationships, maybe we can both forgive our lack of attentiveness and effort.
I realize this reads as one-sided, but I've come to this concept of forgiveness, as being the reciprocation of another's actions, who maybe forgave themselves a long time ago for caring about others more than themselves. Maybe their selfishness is nothing more than a byproduct of buying into today's self-help through self-adoration society. I know I've tried to better myself, but who is to say my method is right? It seems to be working for me physically and philosophically, but killing me emotionally and financially. As someone who craves self-actualization, I think I'm close, but there is always this missing piece. Maybe it's that selfishness I lack. Trust me, I once had it, and it controlled me. As I learned to let it go, so much came into focus, but so much was damaged and I quickly learned that I was slowly drifting out of the realm of acceptance in modern society, one that creates people in meme or inspirational quote form. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
Maybe most of us are two people. The real and the imagined. Maybe, just maybe, in my desire to pinpoint at what point other's versions of themselves blur, I've lost my own vision. I sure know that many who call me "friend," view me quite differently than I truly am, or at least how I view myself. So is it selfish for me to call this an act of forgiveness, and who is the recipient? Or should I just forgive myself for making a Tuesday into a much bigger deal than I should have?
With the exception of some reciprocal greetings, I was universally ignored by those who spend much of their "busy" time boasting of how their door is always open, nothing means more than friends and family, and my favorite, how one can never be too busy for those they care about. To be honest, it hurt. I could care less about those who I know are phony and simply create a facade of human decency, living their lives for none other than themselves. Those who aren't even friends with their children, grandchildren, or even spouses, simply manufacturing a picture of what they believe love is supposed to be. I care about those I feel for. I was hurt by not hearing from them. Some reached out earlier, and that is so very much appreciated, but the culmination of emptiness and silence on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was something I did not expect.
So how do I move on and not let the negatives affect me? How do I forgive? Do I? Yes.
I have decided to write it off as being a mutual fault. I have decided to realize most people aren't who they say, creating a facade to placate themselves and to hide their insecurities, fears, and failures. I also realize that people, for the most part, crave being liked and will say or do anything to be so. This sounds awful, but this is who we are as humans. So now that I've destroyed the myth of people being good and true to themselves, how is this forgiveness, and what about me? Well here's the harder part of the equation. I need to stop being unrealistic. Not in my expectations of others, but in my own expectations of who I am. Who I am, controls much of how my expectations are consistently unrealized. As someone once pointed out to me, in the most tumultuous time, I have to stop expecting people to react as I would (or even as would be expected by societal norms). I will accept that I am not as important in their lives as I feel I am. I must also let go of allowing these people to be as important in my life as they wish to be. It will be hard, but in forgiveness, I can allow myself to view our relationships for what they are. I can be open to them about who they are and they may do so with me. Honesty is very rarely the best policy with standard relationships, but when we strip ourselves of lying about the importance of these relationships, maybe we can both forgive our lack of attentiveness and effort.
I realize this reads as one-sided, but I've come to this concept of forgiveness, as being the reciprocation of another's actions, who maybe forgave themselves a long time ago for caring about others more than themselves. Maybe their selfishness is nothing more than a byproduct of buying into today's self-help through self-adoration society. I know I've tried to better myself, but who is to say my method is right? It seems to be working for me physically and philosophically, but killing me emotionally and financially. As someone who craves self-actualization, I think I'm close, but there is always this missing piece. Maybe it's that selfishness I lack. Trust me, I once had it, and it controlled me. As I learned to let it go, so much came into focus, but so much was damaged and I quickly learned that I was slowly drifting out of the realm of acceptance in modern society, one that creates people in meme or inspirational quote form. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
Maybe most of us are two people. The real and the imagined. Maybe, just maybe, in my desire to pinpoint at what point other's versions of themselves blur, I've lost my own vision. I sure know that many who call me "friend," view me quite differently than I truly am, or at least how I view myself. So is it selfish for me to call this an act of forgiveness, and who is the recipient? Or should I just forgive myself for making a Tuesday into a much bigger deal than I should have?
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