Forty-Four years old they tell me, but I feel like I'm 90 physically, 35 mentally and the maturity of a 7 year old. I guess if you took an average, it's pretty damn near spot on. I never thought it would be like this. Playing basketball with friends, grabbing beers and asleep by midnight only to wake early and bust my ass all day. Coaching kids, making new friends, falling in and out of love. It was life as it should be. No worries they said. You'll learn from your mistakes. Life is a long journey. Blah Blah Blah.
Changes. Sickness. Injuries. Death. Relocation. Unemployment. Mistakes. Contentedness. Lethargy. Happiness. Sadness. Pain.
For nearly half my life, I've been in limbo. Confused by what I think I want and what I really want. What I think I need and what I really need. What I think is right and wrong for me and what is actually right and wrong for me. I've made a few wise decisions, but in the end, it's been a series of poor decisions. I've always followed my heart and never followed my head. While some will argue, it's my head that is my strongest asset, but it never feels right. It seems like every time my head tells me something my heart yearns for the opposite, but why?
Why is it that every decision I've made with my heart has failed me. Even when it benefited me greatly in the short term, it spurned me in the long. I left a good work field to become a teacher and I'm not a teacher. I teach, but not as a teacher. I turned down offers that were too good to be true and now watch as others prosper in those same positions. I did what any good son would do, without regret, but I'll never stop wondering what if. I did things that brought me great happiness for months, but destroyed my happiness the rest of the year. I let go of people who cared and surrounded myself with leeches and those who were never there when I needed. I let emotions control my life and followed my heart, when my mind should have stepped in.
"Always follow your heart" is so cliche and it's something I've done my entire life and now I sit. With my heart, torn and tattered like an old flag; old glory. Talking about the good old days, which in retrospect weren't much different from today. The problem with following your heart is that you find yourself always looking back, whereas your mind always looks to the future. I've put my heart on the shelf in so many ways. In romance, friendships and comfort. I've done so in attempt to salvage some dream I might have once had of who I am in that place. And now, my mind is winning. Telling me to flee. Telling me to bring it somewhere new. To leave my heart behind and move on. I spend so much time wondering what if and it is all due to the metaphoric pain from my chest, but the ache in my head is getting too much to handle. Pounding in an attempt to knock some sense into me from inside. Maybe not having a choice is the best thing to happen to me, but how do you leave your heart behind?
Changes. Sickness. Injuries. Death. Relocation. Unemployment. Mistakes. Contentedness. Lethargy. Happiness. Sadness. Pain.
For nearly half my life, I've been in limbo. Confused by what I think I want and what I really want. What I think I need and what I really need. What I think is right and wrong for me and what is actually right and wrong for me. I've made a few wise decisions, but in the end, it's been a series of poor decisions. I've always followed my heart and never followed my head. While some will argue, it's my head that is my strongest asset, but it never feels right. It seems like every time my head tells me something my heart yearns for the opposite, but why?
Why is it that every decision I've made with my heart has failed me. Even when it benefited me greatly in the short term, it spurned me in the long. I left a good work field to become a teacher and I'm not a teacher. I teach, but not as a teacher. I turned down offers that were too good to be true and now watch as others prosper in those same positions. I did what any good son would do, without regret, but I'll never stop wondering what if. I did things that brought me great happiness for months, but destroyed my happiness the rest of the year. I let go of people who cared and surrounded myself with leeches and those who were never there when I needed. I let emotions control my life and followed my heart, when my mind should have stepped in.
"Always follow your heart" is so cliche and it's something I've done my entire life and now I sit. With my heart, torn and tattered like an old flag; old glory. Talking about the good old days, which in retrospect weren't much different from today. The problem with following your heart is that you find yourself always looking back, whereas your mind always looks to the future. I've put my heart on the shelf in so many ways. In romance, friendships and comfort. I've done so in attempt to salvage some dream I might have once had of who I am in that place. And now, my mind is winning. Telling me to flee. Telling me to bring it somewhere new. To leave my heart behind and move on. I spend so much time wondering what if and it is all due to the metaphoric pain from my chest, but the ache in my head is getting too much to handle. Pounding in an attempt to knock some sense into me from inside. Maybe not having a choice is the best thing to happen to me, but how do you leave your heart behind?
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