OK, I'm not on the website, but googled the questionnaire and thought it would be cool So read it and if we're compatible you know where I am. Of course there will be comments added. Now it doesn't say in some sections if you're supposed to pick one or now, so I'm at a complete loss. Or is it word association. I don't have a clue.
The eHarmony Questionnaire
(aka Compatibility Matching Profile Personality Test)
Section 1: Self-descriptions
I'm assuming you're supposed to pick the items that relate to you. All of them.
1. Warm - I sweat when it's about 75 degrees, so I'm pretty warm.
2. Clever - probably less than I think I am
3. Dominant
4. Ambitious
5. Outgoing - for someone who spends as much time indoors as I do, I'm very outgoing.
6. Agreeable
7. Modest
8. Submissive
9. Lazy - define lazy, I don't have the energy
10. Introverted
11. Aloof
12. Quarrelsome
13. Cold
14. Gregarious
15. Arrogant – only when I think I’m smarter than someone….OK, yes, normally.
—————–
1. Impulsive
2. Stable – I hate horses
3. Energetic
4. Spiritual
5. Adventuresome
6. Frugal
7. Predictable
8. Affectionate – I’m affectionate behind closed doors. I tend to hide my “pussy” side
9. Organized
10. Intelligent – I believe this is my best quality. Sadly, I’m surrounded by morons.
11. Compassionate – yes, very. If I see a homeless person, I kill them and put them out of their misery. I also do this to old people and people who are really religious.
12. Attractive – apparently I’m like a magnet to bars. They just seem to find me.
13. Loyal – very loyal. I lay by my dogs side and fetch his newspaper every morning.
14. Witty – I’m very witty. Some might say Dim Witty and I love Dim Sum, so I take that as a compliment.
15. Neat
————-
1. Content – maybe overly. I’m content to just.
2. Humorous – I was until I hit it, then I cried. That bone hurts.
3. Efficient
4. Artistic
5. Perfectionist
6. Creative
7. Spontaneous
8. Sensitive – I sometimes rub against people on the bus and get aroused. So I’d say, hell yeah.
9. Under-Achiever – I once had sex with someone who made a lot more money than me. She liked to be on top, so for a while I was under an achiever.
10. Uncomplicated - is this even a word?
11. Generous – I’m broke and donate singles to single mothers every week. I don’t know why, but whenever I have a big stack of singles they call me Rain Man.
12. Intellectual – Is that like Intelligence, but plural? I only have one brain.
13. Moral – I saw one of these eels at the aquarium once. Scary.
14. Disciplined
15. Adaptable
——————
1. Communicative
2. Honest – I believe in honor, and once you’re honor, stay honor.
3. Sensual
4. Liberal – with salt, yes….and with Politics. But not with ketchup.
5. Charming
6. Patient – It’s more of an outpatient program.
7. Reliable
8. Resilient
9. Optimistic – Nope, never wanted to be an eye doctor.
10. Conservative
11. Passionate
12. Reflective – I once used the line “is that a mirror in your pocket, because I see myself in your pants.” It didn’t work, so I’d say no.
13. Caring
14. Genuine
15. Open – To pretty much anything that doesn’t involve a ball gag and more than 9” of rubber.
—————–
1. Self-aware
2. Competitive -
3. Over-Achiever – that chick was pretty much a one trick pony. I did however ride once for more than 8 seconds.
4. Vivacious
5. Wise – I prefer Ridgies.
6. Bossy
7. Leader – I am a definite leader. I don’t have any followers, but I’m a definite leader.
8. Irritable – do women really want to know about my bowels?
9. Show-off
10. Independent – Someone once took my picture and put it in a locket. So I guess I was Independent.
11. Kind
12. Calm
13. Courageous
14. Aggressive
15. Persistent
———————-
1. Outspoken – I like to speak when I’m out.
2. Follower
3. Rational
4. Opinionated – I have a few thoughts on this, but I’ll keep them to myself.
5. Restless – When I was younger, I slept a lot, but now I restless.
6. Romantic – I put down the toilet seat after I pee on someone.
7. Selfish – I love clams, mussels, crab, steamers, oysters.
8. Shy
9. Stubborn
10. Trusting
11. Jealous
12. Imagine that your friends had to choose the best FOUR descriptions of you from the items listed below. Click next to the four items that they would be most likely to pick:
Good listener
Modest
Respectful
Affectionate
Caring
Spontaneous
Physically Fit
Warm
Outgoing
Optimistic
Dependable
Romantic
Creative
Loyal
Spiritual
Kind – Usually I’m kind. The kind you wanna smack.
Ambitious
Articulate – I speak good!
Rational
Easy-Going
Generous
Happy
Quiet
Genuine
Intelligent – and when I don’t know anything, I make it up. Don’t tell them.
Hard Working
Thoughtful
Sweet
Passionate
Energetic
Funny - I make people. Kinda like a clown, but a stranger nose.
Perceptive
———————-
Section 2: Personal Characteristics
1. I enjoy a good joke – I’m usually the butt of the joke. And it’s usually an ass rape joke.
2. I enjoy acquiring possessions
3. I enjoy work for work’s sake
4. I enjoy mingling with people on social occasions – is mingling another word for drinking?
5. I like reading everything I can about a subject
6. I am satisfied with my level of emotional development
7. I like to spend my spare time being physically active
8. I am able to express myself in unique ways (e.g., words, music, art)
9. My personal religious beliefs are important to me
10. I have a high desire for sexual activity
11. I like to play pranks on others
12. I strive to advance in my career
13. I take great pleasure in knowing I have done a good job, whether or not others recognize it
14. It is easy for me to engage in conversations with people I have just met
15. I tend to think “outside the box” – Because we all know that head, doesn’t have a brain..
16. I view myself as well adjusted
17. I need to take time to “veg out”
18. I am a good artist
19. My faith affects my life
20. I greatly appreciate the physical beauty of the opposite sex
21. I often see humor in everyday life
22. It is important for me to be viewed by others as a successful person
23. I feel a bit guilty if I am not being productive
24. Being in settings where I will meet new people is an important part of my life
25. I ask questions in search of information – usually that question is “when is last call?”
26. I think it is important to continually try to improve myself
27. I care a lot about the physical shape I am in
28. My mind does much better with facts and figures than with concepts
——————————–
1. I find that going to church is a good way to meet people who benefit my social and/or professional life
2. I like to look at people of the opposite sex – until they notice me and then I get off the ladder and run.
3. I can be offended by satire and sarcasm
4. I can accept the circumstances of my life as they are
5. It is important for me to take time to “smell the roses”
6. I generally prefer to spend my spare time alone or with people with whom I am close
7. I regularly read the paper and magazines
8. I prefer to live life rather than analyzing life
9. I take pleasure in working out
10. I need to spend time creating things to feel satisfied
11. My beliefs make me a better person
12. I have an ability to make others laugh – Because if they don’t, they get the hose.
13. I need to win at whatever I am involved in
14. I work much better if people follow my lead
15. My emotions are generally stable
16. I am proud of my educational background
17. If I am not in control of a situation, it is better if I leave
18. My friends come to me when they are in difficult times because they know I can handle emotional crises
19. I am more comfortable being a follower than a leader
20. I get upset easily
21. People who are controlling irritate me
22. I think it is important to express my feelings whether they are positive or negative
23. I prefer not to be around people who have emotional swings
24. I tend to either like someone a lot or dislike him/her a lot
25. I like to be pampered – because shitting yourself in public is embarrasing.
26. I generally feel better when I am around other people – especially when they are wearing Asian schoolgirl outfits.
27. When I get mad I tend to take it out on someone
———————–
Section 3: About Your Feelings
1. Happy
2. Sad
3. Anxious
4. Confident – I’m generally confident, although nothing is going well and I feel like the world is ending and I don’t know what to do. But I’m pretty confident that things are going to continue to suck in my life.
5. Hopeful
6. Fearful about the future – yeah, but with the rapture coming, who cares.
7. Angry
8. Calm – I am always calm. Unless you make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
9. Fortunate
10. Out of control
11. Fulfilled
12. Depressed
13. Energetic
14. Tired
15. Successful
16. Unable to cope
17. Satisfied
18. Misunderstood – I just like the song by Pink, so I picked this.
19. Safe
20. Plotted against
———————————
Section 4: Important Qualities
1. My partner’s personal values
2. My partner’s energy level
3. My partner’s family background
4. My partner’s honesty – honesty is the best policy. Unless it’s a really good lie and you get away with it.
5. Enjoying the way I feel around my partner – and by around, I mean tits and ass.
6. My partner’s dependability
7. My partner’s intelligence
8. My partner’s sex appeal – appeal? Am I having sex with a banana? That would be hot…if I went that way.
9. My partner’s love of children
10. My partner’s beliefs
11. My partner’s fun-loving nature
12. My partner’s physical appearance
13. The chemistry between me and my partner
14. The security/safety I feel when with my partner
15. The similarities between me and my partner
16. The romantic attraction I feel for my partner
17. My partner’s personality
18. My partner’s kindness
19. Our sexual compatibility – yeah, I find that when my partner doesn’t have a vagina, things get a little awkward.
20. My partner’s ability to communicate
21. My partner’s skill at resolving conflicts
22. My partner’s friendliness
23. My partner’s capacity for emotional intimacy
24. The friendship between me and my partner
————————–
Section 5: Personal Beliefs
Which of the following religions do you affiliate yourself with?
Christian
Jewish
Muslim
Hindu
Buddhist
Sikh
Shinto
Other
Spiritual, but not affiliated with a religious group
Neither religious nor spiritual – I’m fine with you yelling OH God during sex though. Or even when we’re out shopping.
Please indicate what religion(s) your matches should be affiliated with: (check all that apply)
Christian
Jewish
Muslim
Hindu
Buddhist
Sikh
Shinto
Other
Spiritual, but not affiliated with a religious group
Neither religious nor spiritual
No Preference – as long as I don’t have to miss football or wake up early, you could pray to a can of baked beans for all I care.
Do you want to select which religious denomination(s) your matches can be?
Yes
No
————————
Cont: denomination
————————
Section 6: About Your Personality (TRUE OR FALSE)
1. I enjoy many different types of recreational activities. – False (My knees are fucked)
2. I always read ALL of the warning literature on side-effects before taking any medication. False, I don’t take pills.
3. I sometimes drive faster than the posted speed-limit. True
4. If a store-clerk gave me too much change, I might keep it without telling them. False, I’m like honest, or stupid, Abe.
5. I generally want to come out ahead. – True. Who doesn’t?
6. I frequently have to work to overcome my shyness. False, Only when talking to people.
7. I like some people just because they are popular with others. False, they are usually dicks.
8. I dislike some people. True, most people.
9. I never worry about work-related issues. True, I’m unemployed bitches. What a catch!
10. I sometimes waste time when I should be working. – True. Only sometimes though, the other times I’m doing stuff that is fun, like looking at animal porn.
11. I would never lie, even if it wouldn’t hurt anyone. True. OK, Only if it hurts someone.
12. I do not give as much to charity as I could afford to financially. False, I give way more (this is a serious answer you jerks!).
13. At times I have raised my voice in anger. True, but I don’t look back in anger, because of that Oasis song.
14. I don’t care what other people think about me. True, because they are all devil-worshipping hypocrites.
15. I am sometimes tempted to make fun of people behind their backs. False. I noprmally do it in front of them. Unless their backs are funny.
16. There are times when I am envious of other people’s possessions. True, usually when they are holding something nice…like a Guinness and I’m waiting for mine.
17. My house is often cleaner when I have company coming over. False, I don’t have company over. I watched that show once and that Jack Tripper is a dick, I don’t ever want company.
18. I sometimes wish that certain other people would fail. True, like Christopher Reeve, that guy should fall of a fucking horse or something….oh, my bad. Fuck it, screw Michael J. Fox, what has he ever done?
19. I am always even-tempered. – False. Fuck You!
——————————-
Section 7: Your Personal Interests
1. Animals
2. Antiques
3. Art - Garfunkel
4. Astrology
5. Astronomy
6. Bicycling
7. Board Games – sometimes I like to play life and drive my family off a cliff.
8. Bowling
9. Bridge
10. Camping
11. Cars
12. Chess
13. Church involvement
14. Collecting
15. Computers – NO shit.
16. Conversation – only with smart people and about religion or politics.
17. Cooking – I love cooking and want to make a beautiful woman dinner every night. Then go home and sleep on the couch because I hate my wife. I’m not married yet, so my priorities may be a little skewed.
18. Crafts/Hobbies
19. Dancing – Only when I’m shit-faced.
20. Dining Out – Yes I like to eat out. Giggity.
21. Eating – Ok, now I’m confused.
22. Exercising
23. Extreme Sports
24. Family – yes, I am interested in Family. Mostly, the Manson Family.
25. Foreign Films – How do you say yes in Swahili?
26. Friendship
—————————-
1. Gardening
2. Genealogy
3. Golfing – Any sport you can drink during is an interest.
4. History – Herstory is interesting too, but usually a little too much info on the parts that don’t matter….like her feelings at the time.
5. Horseback Riding
6. Hosting/Entertaining
7. Hunting/Fishing
8. Languages
9. Learning
10. Listening to Music
11. Live Music
12. Marathons
13. Martial Arts
14. Motor Sports
15. Movies – I’ve spent about 12 hours writing blogs about movies this week. Aren’t I a winner?
16. Musicals
17. Painting
18. Participating in sports
19. Parties
20. Pets
21. Philosophy
22. Photography
23. Piloting Small Aircraft
24. Playing Music
25. Politics
26. Reading
—————————–
1. Recreational Exercise
2. Religious Community
3. Religious Faith
4. Running
5. Science
6. Science Fiction
7. Sewing
8. Sharpshooting
9. Shopping
10. Snow Sports
11. Soap Operas
12. Softball
13. Solitude
14. Talk with Friends
15. Teaching/Coaching – I like little kids….not in a Michael Jackson way, you sicko.
16. Technology
17. Tennis – I teach it!
18. Theater – yeah, but I’m a snob, so I spell it theatre.
19. Traveling
20. Vegetarianism
21. Volunteering
22. Walking
23. Watching sports – On occasion (see this is a lie, if I was honest, girls would run, but now I got them right where I want them….see below)
24. Watching TV – Only Oxygen, Lifetime and mindless reality shows.
25. Water Sports – I love R. Kelly
26. Weightlifting
27. Wildlife Conservation
28. Wine
29. Woodworking
30. Writing – I just like writing poems about the woman I’m with (and the two in the freezer)
31. What are you most passionate about? (Please be brief. This answer will be shared with your matches.)
I’m passionate about ending wars and united the world in perfect harmony. If I could only, buy the world a Coke.
————————
Section 8: Living Skills
1. Achieving personal goals
2. Maintaining a network of close friends
3. Using humor to make friends laugh – and good humor to fulfill their ice cream cravings, hehehe!
4. Making improvements and repairs around the house
5. Volunteering my time to causes I care about
6. Maintaining an organized life
7. Managing my finances
8. Entertaining in my home
9. Raising and/or caring for children
10. Leading a community service group
11. Creating romance in a relationship – I believe in the 3 R’s. Red Wine, Roses and Roofies. Romance in less than 20!
12. Socializing
13. Negotiating business or financial matters
14. Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment
15. Sharing my beliefs through teaching, participation, and example – or just saying shit over and over til people agree just so I’ll shut the fuck up.
16. Keeping physically fit
17. Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis
18. Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings – I’m thinking of a number…
19. Helping those who are less fortunate or in need
20. Resolving conflict
21. Finding new adventures and unique experiences
22. Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
23. Long-term personal planning
24. Understanding local, national, and world events
25. Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things
26. Making art and culture an ongoing part of my life
27. Finding and taking on challenging activities
28. Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
29. Making new friends
30. Cooking for my family and friends
31. Earning income to provide for my family
32. Car maintenance and repair
33. Coordinating household schedules
34. Being a good friend and companion
————————–
Section 8: Living Skills (cont’d)
From the list of life skills below, please choose the three that you do best. Remember to consider these skills as they relate to your entire life, and not necessarily just your work or career activities.
Achieving personal goals
Maintaining a network of close friends
Using humor to make friends laugh
Making improvements and repairs around the house
Volunteering my time to causes I care about Maintaining an organized life
Managing my finances
Entertaining in my home
Raising and/or caring for children
Leading a community service group
Creating romance in a relationship
Socializing
Negotiating business or financial matters Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment
Sharing my beliefs through teaching, participation, and example
Keeping physically fit
Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings
Helping those who are less fortunate or in need Resolving conflict
Finding new adventures and unique experiences Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Long-term personal planning Understanding local, national, and world events
Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things Making art and culture an ongoing part of my life
Finding and taking on challenging activities Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Making new friends
Cooking for my family and friends
Earning income to provide for my family
Car maintenance and repair
Coordinating household schedules
Being a good friend and companion
———————————-
Was it me, or was the last the section a repeat of the section before it? I’m paying eHarmony for this? Fuckers!
Section 9: Communication Style
Please rate how important to you each of the following factors is when you are involved in a conflict or argument with a friend, co-worker or family member.
I assume I’m supposed to put a number next to them 1- most important 10-least important.
1. I try to make sure that my position prevails (that I win)
2. I try to make sure that I am understood 3. – OK, I make my point. It’s over quickly. Understand. OK, we’re done with this section
3. I try to accommodate the other person’s position
4. I try to understand the other person
5. I try to be respectful of all opinions different from my own
6. I try to resolve the conflict quickly – 2. I’m usually right, so yeah.
7. I try to avoid disagreement
8. I am passionate/intense about my position – 1. I don’t bother if I’m not passionate
9. I try to drop an issue once it is resolved
10. I try to resolve the conflict well
————————
Section 10: Relationship Style
When you think about what you want in a relationship, how important are the following items?
1. Being able to easily talk about personal problems with my partner – it’s always about you!
2. Knowing as much as possible about my partner’s past – You had a puppy, it died, and now you don’t like, anal….wtf?
3. Being able to tell my partner everything about myself – I like bagels on Sunday
4. Being able to discuss with my partner how I am feeling towards him/her – sex? Ok Sleep!
5. Having my partner be open with me about how he/she feels toward me – if you’re open, it should feel good. If not, I’m going to watch TV
6. Being available to my partner when he/she is having problems - MUTE
7. Being able to count on my partner for emotional support – That’s what Jack Daniels is for.
8. Enjoying physical closeness with my partner – as long as the A/C is on
9. Being able to keep my space – and my apartment
10. Being able to work out my problems on my own – holy fuck. If you get through this fucking survey, they should send over a hooker for a week. This sucks. Next section
11. Being able to spend as much time as possible with my partner
12. Doing special things to let my partner know how important he/she is to me
13. Being able to make compromises
14. Showing my partner that his/her needs are as important to me as my own
15. Being kind to each other
16. Being able to let my partner know when I am angry with him/her
17. Knowing that my spouse is usually to blame when things go wrong
18. Feeling that my spouse can do little wrong
19. Having similar ideas on parenting
20. Having similar educational backgrounds
21. Having similar belief systems
22. What are the THREE things for which YOU are the MOST thankful? (Please limit each answer to 20 words or less. These answers will be shared with your matches.)
Stolichnaya Orang, Guinness and Salma Hayek
————————
Section 11: Most and Least Like You
I don’t get it. If you’re matching me up, shouldn’t I understand the questions?
————————
Section 11: Most and Least Like You (cont’d)
Fuck YOU!
————————
Section 12: Family Relationships
Please use the scale below to tell us how well each of the following describes your relationship with your parents (or guardians) when you were growing up. If your parents were not both equally present, please focus on the parent with whom you felt the closest and most involved.
What Scale?
1. Conflicted – sometimes
2. Supportive – always, except that time they told me I didn’t look good in heels.
3. Abusive – I learned to bob and weave, so not so bad.
4. Tender – I never ate them
5. Uninvolved – Never. They used to grade me when I had sex as a teen
6. Over Involved – One time they got me thrown out of class for drinking. They were drinking.
Using the same scale, how well do the following describe your relationship with your parents now? (If deceased describe your relationship when they were alive. Please focus on the parent with whom you feel the closest and most involved.)
7. Friendly
8. Distant
9. Angry
10. Abusive
11. Tender
12. Supportive
13. Conflicted
14. Nurturing
15. Regretful
16. Tolerant
17. Uninvolved
18. Over Involved
I don’t have any mommy or daddy issues. I don’t want to sleep with my parents, kill my parents, or anything other than hang with them. It does become troubling to some when I have tea parties with my mother, because they insist I put the dirt back.
19. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why? (Please be brief. This answer will be shared with your matches.)
Stephen Hawkings – I figure if a crippled guy who talks into the machine used by Afirka Bambaata to make Planet Rock can become famous, why can’t I? I just have bad knees.
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Section 13: General Information
1. Are you male or female?
Male – I have a penis, but some people have commented on my breasts. Penis trumps breasts.
Female
2. Please enter your birthdate: 07/06/1970
3. What is your current marital status
Never – ever ever
Divorced
Separated
Widowed
4. How many times have you been married?
5. How many children do you have who are 18 years old or younger and living full time in your home?
6. Aside from any children you or a new partner may already have, would you like to start a new family by having or adopting a baby?
I have had my eye on these two 18 Thai twins for a while now, so I’d be up t the challenge of taking them in.
Yes, I definitely want to have or adopt a baby.
Maybe, I haven’t decided yet.
No, I can’t or don’t want to become a new parent.
Oooh, sorry, didn’t see these choices
7. Would you be willing to accept a partner who has children 18 years old or younger living full time in their home?
Yes
No – no but if they are 18 or older and female or male with really hot female friends, I’d be down.
8. Choose the category that best describes your highest level of education.
Doctorate
Masters
Bachelors
Associates
Some college – Some, but that’s not fair, because I went on and off for like seven years. Most people that do that are called Doctors.
High School
Did not complete High School
———————–
Section 13: General Information (cont’d)
Please answer the following questions as completely and honestly as possible.
1. What is your personal income?
$0 …..this is how much I’ve made in the last three weeks. Why, you buying?
Less than $20,000
$20,000 to $40,000
$40,000 to $60,000
$60,000 to $125,000
$125,000 to $250,000
More than $250,000
2. Describe what you do for career or occupation:
(Please limit your answers to twenty words or less.)
As little as possible. Right now, I’m what you would call an aluminum can regeneration specialist.
3. Please enter your height in
From the ground? 5’9”
ft. in.
– OR –
cm
4. What is your ethnicity?
White, non-Hispanic – I’m more of a tan complexion.
Hispanic or Latino
African-American
Asian/Pacific Islander
Korean
Japanese
Chinese
Indian
Arab
Native American
Other
5. What ethnicities would you be willing to accept as matches?
(Check all that apply.)
White, non-Hispanic
Hispanic or Latino
African-American
Asian/Pacific Islander
Korean
Japanese
Chinese
Indian
Arab
Native American
Other
And this is where I go to hell.
I am an equally opportunity dater, but if you are Latino, you must be able to cook. If you are African American, you must be able to teach me to dance. If you are Asian/Pacific Islander (is that like Samoan?) uh-oh. If you are Korean, I will try dog, but I might not like it. If you are Japanese, you just have to cover your mouth when you giggle like on those weird TV game shows in Japan. If you are Chinese, I only expect my dinner in 20-30 minutes. If you are Indian, don’t get mad if when you are yelling I mistake your forehead for the Easy button. If you are Arab, you better have a see through burka. If you are Native American, just let me know if we’re tax exempt. If you are other, pelase be Russian, because Russian girls are freaking beautiful!
Choose the following words as to how each one describes your physical appearance. Use the following rating scale for each item.
1. Well Groomed – I said I’m not married.
2. Handsome – some, I have two like the rest of us.
3. Athletic – I can throw a ball
4. Overweight – Compared to most yes, but compared to that guy who had the side of his house removed to get him out, I’m skinny.
5. Ordinary - Extra
6. Fit – I fit in most places
7. Sexy – A little too much for my shirt
Use the scale below to answer the following questions:
1. How satisfied are you with your physical appearance?
2. How important is it that your partner be physically attractive?
This fucking scale thing is annoying me.
———————-
Section 13: General Information (cont’d)
Please answer the following questions as completely and honestly as possible.
1. How much do you smoke?
Never – I have never smoked once.
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day)
2. Please indicate the most that you would accept your ideal match to smoke.
Never – Unless you are really hot and do funny things with your tongue, a spatula and a two rolls of flypaper. Otherwise, no cigarettes. Crack Fine!
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day)
3. How much do you drink?
Never
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day) – I don’t drink many different times, I just never stop.
4. Please indicate the most that you would accept your ideal match to drink.
Never
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day) – my ideal match would be someone who can throw down shots all day, but has the sense to realize the only way to keep me up on the drive home is to breath into the breathalyzer I keep in my pocket….or near my pocket.
5. Are you ready to receive matches from eHarmony?
Yes, please provide me with eHarmony matches…Fuck NO. Anyone who spends this much time on a compatability test is a fucking loser. No wonder they’re single looking for love on the internet. I think that one guy had the right idea when they asked “what do you look for in a woman?” and he answered “My Dick!”
No, please do not send me any matches until I am ready.
The eHarmony Questionnaire
(aka Compatibility Matching Profile Personality Test)
Section 1: Self-descriptions
I'm assuming you're supposed to pick the items that relate to you. All of them.
1. Warm - I sweat when it's about 75 degrees, so I'm pretty warm.
2. Clever - probably less than I think I am
3. Dominant
4. Ambitious
5. Outgoing - for someone who spends as much time indoors as I do, I'm very outgoing.
6. Agreeable
7. Modest
8. Submissive
9. Lazy - define lazy, I don't have the energy
10. Introverted
11. Aloof
12. Quarrelsome
13. Cold
14. Gregarious
15. Arrogant – only when I think I’m smarter than someone….OK, yes, normally.
—————–
1. Impulsive
2. Stable – I hate horses
3. Energetic
4. Spiritual
5. Adventuresome
6. Frugal
7. Predictable
8. Affectionate – I’m affectionate behind closed doors. I tend to hide my “pussy” side
9. Organized
10. Intelligent – I believe this is my best quality. Sadly, I’m surrounded by morons.
11. Compassionate – yes, very. If I see a homeless person, I kill them and put them out of their misery. I also do this to old people and people who are really religious.
12. Attractive – apparently I’m like a magnet to bars. They just seem to find me.
13. Loyal – very loyal. I lay by my dogs side and fetch his newspaper every morning.
14. Witty – I’m very witty. Some might say Dim Witty and I love Dim Sum, so I take that as a compliment.
15. Neat
————-
1. Content – maybe overly. I’m content to just.
2. Humorous – I was until I hit it, then I cried. That bone hurts.
3. Efficient
4. Artistic
5. Perfectionist
6. Creative
7. Spontaneous
8. Sensitive – I sometimes rub against people on the bus and get aroused. So I’d say, hell yeah.
9. Under-Achiever – I once had sex with someone who made a lot more money than me. She liked to be on top, so for a while I was under an achiever.
10. Uncomplicated - is this even a word?
11. Generous – I’m broke and donate singles to single mothers every week. I don’t know why, but whenever I have a big stack of singles they call me Rain Man.
12. Intellectual – Is that like Intelligence, but plural? I only have one brain.
13. Moral – I saw one of these eels at the aquarium once. Scary.
14. Disciplined
15. Adaptable
——————
1. Communicative
2. Honest – I believe in honor, and once you’re honor, stay honor.
3. Sensual
4. Liberal – with salt, yes….and with Politics. But not with ketchup.
5. Charming
6. Patient – It’s more of an outpatient program.
7. Reliable
8. Resilient
9. Optimistic – Nope, never wanted to be an eye doctor.
10. Conservative
11. Passionate
12. Reflective – I once used the line “is that a mirror in your pocket, because I see myself in your pants.” It didn’t work, so I’d say no.
13. Caring
14. Genuine
15. Open – To pretty much anything that doesn’t involve a ball gag and more than 9” of rubber.
—————–
1. Self-aware
2. Competitive -
3. Over-Achiever – that chick was pretty much a one trick pony. I did however ride once for more than 8 seconds.
4. Vivacious
5. Wise – I prefer Ridgies.
6. Bossy
7. Leader – I am a definite leader. I don’t have any followers, but I’m a definite leader.
8. Irritable – do women really want to know about my bowels?
9. Show-off
10. Independent – Someone once took my picture and put it in a locket. So I guess I was Independent.
11. Kind
12. Calm
13. Courageous
14. Aggressive
15. Persistent
———————-
1. Outspoken – I like to speak when I’m out.
2. Follower
3. Rational
4. Opinionated – I have a few thoughts on this, but I’ll keep them to myself.
5. Restless – When I was younger, I slept a lot, but now I restless.
6. Romantic – I put down the toilet seat after I pee on someone.
7. Selfish – I love clams, mussels, crab, steamers, oysters.
8. Shy
9. Stubborn
10. Trusting
11. Jealous
12. Imagine that your friends had to choose the best FOUR descriptions of you from the items listed below. Click next to the four items that they would be most likely to pick:
Good listener
Modest
Respectful
Affectionate
Caring
Spontaneous
Physically Fit
Warm
Outgoing
Optimistic
Dependable
Romantic
Creative
Loyal
Spiritual
Kind – Usually I’m kind. The kind you wanna smack.
Ambitious
Articulate – I speak good!
Rational
Easy-Going
Generous
Happy
Quiet
Genuine
Intelligent – and when I don’t know anything, I make it up. Don’t tell them.
Hard Working
Thoughtful
Sweet
Passionate
Energetic
Funny - I make people. Kinda like a clown, but a stranger nose.
Perceptive
———————-
Section 2: Personal Characteristics
1. I enjoy a good joke – I’m usually the butt of the joke. And it’s usually an ass rape joke.
2. I enjoy acquiring possessions
3. I enjoy work for work’s sake
4. I enjoy mingling with people on social occasions – is mingling another word for drinking?
5. I like reading everything I can about a subject
6. I am satisfied with my level of emotional development
7. I like to spend my spare time being physically active
8. I am able to express myself in unique ways (e.g., words, music, art)
9. My personal religious beliefs are important to me
10. I have a high desire for sexual activity
11. I like to play pranks on others
12. I strive to advance in my career
13. I take great pleasure in knowing I have done a good job, whether or not others recognize it
14. It is easy for me to engage in conversations with people I have just met
15. I tend to think “outside the box” – Because we all know that head, doesn’t have a brain..
16. I view myself as well adjusted
17. I need to take time to “veg out”
18. I am a good artist
19. My faith affects my life
20. I greatly appreciate the physical beauty of the opposite sex
21. I often see humor in everyday life
22. It is important for me to be viewed by others as a successful person
23. I feel a bit guilty if I am not being productive
24. Being in settings where I will meet new people is an important part of my life
25. I ask questions in search of information – usually that question is “when is last call?”
26. I think it is important to continually try to improve myself
27. I care a lot about the physical shape I am in
28. My mind does much better with facts and figures than with concepts
——————————–
1. I find that going to church is a good way to meet people who benefit my social and/or professional life
2. I like to look at people of the opposite sex – until they notice me and then I get off the ladder and run.
3. I can be offended by satire and sarcasm
4. I can accept the circumstances of my life as they are
5. It is important for me to take time to “smell the roses”
6. I generally prefer to spend my spare time alone or with people with whom I am close
7. I regularly read the paper and magazines
8. I prefer to live life rather than analyzing life
9. I take pleasure in working out
10. I need to spend time creating things to feel satisfied
11. My beliefs make me a better person
12. I have an ability to make others laugh – Because if they don’t, they get the hose.
13. I need to win at whatever I am involved in
14. I work much better if people follow my lead
15. My emotions are generally stable
16. I am proud of my educational background
17. If I am not in control of a situation, it is better if I leave
18. My friends come to me when they are in difficult times because they know I can handle emotional crises
19. I am more comfortable being a follower than a leader
20. I get upset easily
21. People who are controlling irritate me
22. I think it is important to express my feelings whether they are positive or negative
23. I prefer not to be around people who have emotional swings
24. I tend to either like someone a lot or dislike him/her a lot
25. I like to be pampered – because shitting yourself in public is embarrasing.
26. I generally feel better when I am around other people – especially when they are wearing Asian schoolgirl outfits.
27. When I get mad I tend to take it out on someone
———————–
Section 3: About Your Feelings
1. Happy
2. Sad
3. Anxious
4. Confident – I’m generally confident, although nothing is going well and I feel like the world is ending and I don’t know what to do. But I’m pretty confident that things are going to continue to suck in my life.
5. Hopeful
6. Fearful about the future – yeah, but with the rapture coming, who cares.
7. Angry
8. Calm – I am always calm. Unless you make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
9. Fortunate
10. Out of control
11. Fulfilled
12. Depressed
13. Energetic
14. Tired
15. Successful
16. Unable to cope
17. Satisfied
18. Misunderstood – I just like the song by Pink, so I picked this.
19. Safe
20. Plotted against
———————————
Section 4: Important Qualities
1. My partner’s personal values
2. My partner’s energy level
3. My partner’s family background
4. My partner’s honesty – honesty is the best policy. Unless it’s a really good lie and you get away with it.
5. Enjoying the way I feel around my partner – and by around, I mean tits and ass.
6. My partner’s dependability
7. My partner’s intelligence
8. My partner’s sex appeal – appeal? Am I having sex with a banana? That would be hot…if I went that way.
9. My partner’s love of children
10. My partner’s beliefs
11. My partner’s fun-loving nature
12. My partner’s physical appearance
13. The chemistry between me and my partner
14. The security/safety I feel when with my partner
15. The similarities between me and my partner
16. The romantic attraction I feel for my partner
17. My partner’s personality
18. My partner’s kindness
19. Our sexual compatibility – yeah, I find that when my partner doesn’t have a vagina, things get a little awkward.
20. My partner’s ability to communicate
21. My partner’s skill at resolving conflicts
22. My partner’s friendliness
23. My partner’s capacity for emotional intimacy
24. The friendship between me and my partner
————————–
Section 5: Personal Beliefs
Which of the following religions do you affiliate yourself with?
Christian
Jewish
Muslim
Hindu
Buddhist
Sikh
Shinto
Other
Spiritual, but not affiliated with a religious group
Neither religious nor spiritual – I’m fine with you yelling OH God during sex though. Or even when we’re out shopping.
Please indicate what religion(s) your matches should be affiliated with: (check all that apply)
Christian
Jewish
Muslim
Hindu
Buddhist
Sikh
Shinto
Other
Spiritual, but not affiliated with a religious group
Neither religious nor spiritual
No Preference – as long as I don’t have to miss football or wake up early, you could pray to a can of baked beans for all I care.
Do you want to select which religious denomination(s) your matches can be?
Yes
No
————————
Cont: denomination
————————
Section 6: About Your Personality (TRUE OR FALSE)
1. I enjoy many different types of recreational activities. – False (My knees are fucked)
2. I always read ALL of the warning literature on side-effects before taking any medication. False, I don’t take pills.
3. I sometimes drive faster than the posted speed-limit. True
4. If a store-clerk gave me too much change, I might keep it without telling them. False, I’m like honest, or stupid, Abe.
5. I generally want to come out ahead. – True. Who doesn’t?
6. I frequently have to work to overcome my shyness. False, Only when talking to people.
7. I like some people just because they are popular with others. False, they are usually dicks.
8. I dislike some people. True, most people.
9. I never worry about work-related issues. True, I’m unemployed bitches. What a catch!
10. I sometimes waste time when I should be working. – True. Only sometimes though, the other times I’m doing stuff that is fun, like looking at animal porn.
11. I would never lie, even if it wouldn’t hurt anyone. True. OK, Only if it hurts someone.
12. I do not give as much to charity as I could afford to financially. False, I give way more (this is a serious answer you jerks!).
13. At times I have raised my voice in anger. True, but I don’t look back in anger, because of that Oasis song.
14. I don’t care what other people think about me. True, because they are all devil-worshipping hypocrites.
15. I am sometimes tempted to make fun of people behind their backs. False. I noprmally do it in front of them. Unless their backs are funny.
16. There are times when I am envious of other people’s possessions. True, usually when they are holding something nice…like a Guinness and I’m waiting for mine.
17. My house is often cleaner when I have company coming over. False, I don’t have company over. I watched that show once and that Jack Tripper is a dick, I don’t ever want company.
18. I sometimes wish that certain other people would fail. True, like Christopher Reeve, that guy should fall of a fucking horse or something….oh, my bad. Fuck it, screw Michael J. Fox, what has he ever done?
19. I am always even-tempered. – False. Fuck You!
——————————-
Section 7: Your Personal Interests
1. Animals
2. Antiques
3. Art - Garfunkel
4. Astrology
5. Astronomy
6. Bicycling
7. Board Games – sometimes I like to play life and drive my family off a cliff.
8. Bowling
9. Bridge
10. Camping
11. Cars
12. Chess
13. Church involvement
14. Collecting
15. Computers – NO shit.
16. Conversation – only with smart people and about religion or politics.
17. Cooking – I love cooking and want to make a beautiful woman dinner every night. Then go home and sleep on the couch because I hate my wife. I’m not married yet, so my priorities may be a little skewed.
18. Crafts/Hobbies
19. Dancing – Only when I’m shit-faced.
20. Dining Out – Yes I like to eat out. Giggity.
21. Eating – Ok, now I’m confused.
22. Exercising
23. Extreme Sports
24. Family – yes, I am interested in Family. Mostly, the Manson Family.
25. Foreign Films – How do you say yes in Swahili?
26. Friendship
—————————-
1. Gardening
2. Genealogy
3. Golfing – Any sport you can drink during is an interest.
4. History – Herstory is interesting too, but usually a little too much info on the parts that don’t matter….like her feelings at the time.
5. Horseback Riding
6. Hosting/Entertaining
7. Hunting/Fishing
8. Languages
9. Learning
10. Listening to Music
11. Live Music
12. Marathons
13. Martial Arts
14. Motor Sports
15. Movies – I’ve spent about 12 hours writing blogs about movies this week. Aren’t I a winner?
16. Musicals
17. Painting
18. Participating in sports
19. Parties
20. Pets
21. Philosophy
22. Photography
23. Piloting Small Aircraft
24. Playing Music
25. Politics
26. Reading
—————————–
1. Recreational Exercise
2. Religious Community
3. Religious Faith
4. Running
5. Science
6. Science Fiction
7. Sewing
8. Sharpshooting
9. Shopping
10. Snow Sports
11. Soap Operas
12. Softball
13. Solitude
14. Talk with Friends
15. Teaching/Coaching – I like little kids….not in a Michael Jackson way, you sicko.
16. Technology
17. Tennis – I teach it!
18. Theater – yeah, but I’m a snob, so I spell it theatre.
19. Traveling
20. Vegetarianism
21. Volunteering
22. Walking
23. Watching sports – On occasion (see this is a lie, if I was honest, girls would run, but now I got them right where I want them….see below)
24. Watching TV – Only Oxygen, Lifetime and mindless reality shows.
25. Water Sports – I love R. Kelly
26. Weightlifting
27. Wildlife Conservation
28. Wine
29. Woodworking
30. Writing – I just like writing poems about the woman I’m with (and the two in the freezer)
31. What are you most passionate about? (Please be brief. This answer will be shared with your matches.)
I’m passionate about ending wars and united the world in perfect harmony. If I could only, buy the world a Coke.
————————
Section 8: Living Skills
1. Achieving personal goals
2. Maintaining a network of close friends
3. Using humor to make friends laugh – and good humor to fulfill their ice cream cravings, hehehe!
4. Making improvements and repairs around the house
5. Volunteering my time to causes I care about
6. Maintaining an organized life
7. Managing my finances
8. Entertaining in my home
9. Raising and/or caring for children
10. Leading a community service group
11. Creating romance in a relationship – I believe in the 3 R’s. Red Wine, Roses and Roofies. Romance in less than 20!
12. Socializing
13. Negotiating business or financial matters
14. Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment
15. Sharing my beliefs through teaching, participation, and example – or just saying shit over and over til people agree just so I’ll shut the fuck up.
16. Keeping physically fit
17. Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis
18. Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings – I’m thinking of a number…
19. Helping those who are less fortunate or in need
20. Resolving conflict
21. Finding new adventures and unique experiences
22. Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
23. Long-term personal planning
24. Understanding local, national, and world events
25. Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things
26. Making art and culture an ongoing part of my life
27. Finding and taking on challenging activities
28. Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
29. Making new friends
30. Cooking for my family and friends
31. Earning income to provide for my family
32. Car maintenance and repair
33. Coordinating household schedules
34. Being a good friend and companion
————————–
Section 8: Living Skills (cont’d)
From the list of life skills below, please choose the three that you do best. Remember to consider these skills as they relate to your entire life, and not necessarily just your work or career activities.
Achieving personal goals
Maintaining a network of close friends
Using humor to make friends laugh
Making improvements and repairs around the house
Volunteering my time to causes I care about Maintaining an organized life
Managing my finances
Entertaining in my home
Raising and/or caring for children
Leading a community service group
Creating romance in a relationship
Socializing
Negotiating business or financial matters Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment
Sharing my beliefs through teaching, participation, and example
Keeping physically fit
Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings
Helping those who are less fortunate or in need Resolving conflict
Finding new adventures and unique experiences Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Long-term personal planning Understanding local, national, and world events
Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things Making art and culture an ongoing part of my life
Finding and taking on challenging activities Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Making new friends
Cooking for my family and friends
Earning income to provide for my family
Car maintenance and repair
Coordinating household schedules
Being a good friend and companion
———————————-
Was it me, or was the last the section a repeat of the section before it? I’m paying eHarmony for this? Fuckers!
Section 9: Communication Style
Please rate how important to you each of the following factors is when you are involved in a conflict or argument with a friend, co-worker or family member.
I assume I’m supposed to put a number next to them 1- most important 10-least important.
1. I try to make sure that my position prevails (that I win)
2. I try to make sure that I am understood 3. – OK, I make my point. It’s over quickly. Understand. OK, we’re done with this section
3. I try to accommodate the other person’s position
4. I try to understand the other person
5. I try to be respectful of all opinions different from my own
6. I try to resolve the conflict quickly – 2. I’m usually right, so yeah.
7. I try to avoid disagreement
8. I am passionate/intense about my position – 1. I don’t bother if I’m not passionate
9. I try to drop an issue once it is resolved
10. I try to resolve the conflict well
————————
Section 10: Relationship Style
When you think about what you want in a relationship, how important are the following items?
1. Being able to easily talk about personal problems with my partner – it’s always about you!
2. Knowing as much as possible about my partner’s past – You had a puppy, it died, and now you don’t like, anal….wtf?
3. Being able to tell my partner everything about myself – I like bagels on Sunday
4. Being able to discuss with my partner how I am feeling towards him/her – sex? Ok Sleep!
5. Having my partner be open with me about how he/she feels toward me – if you’re open, it should feel good. If not, I’m going to watch TV
6. Being available to my partner when he/she is having problems - MUTE
7. Being able to count on my partner for emotional support – That’s what Jack Daniels is for.
8. Enjoying physical closeness with my partner – as long as the A/C is on
9. Being able to keep my space – and my apartment
10. Being able to work out my problems on my own – holy fuck. If you get through this fucking survey, they should send over a hooker for a week. This sucks. Next section
11. Being able to spend as much time as possible with my partner
12. Doing special things to let my partner know how important he/she is to me
13. Being able to make compromises
14. Showing my partner that his/her needs are as important to me as my own
15. Being kind to each other
16. Being able to let my partner know when I am angry with him/her
17. Knowing that my spouse is usually to blame when things go wrong
18. Feeling that my spouse can do little wrong
19. Having similar ideas on parenting
20. Having similar educational backgrounds
21. Having similar belief systems
22. What are the THREE things for which YOU are the MOST thankful? (Please limit each answer to 20 words or less. These answers will be shared with your matches.)
Stolichnaya Orang, Guinness and Salma Hayek
————————
Section 11: Most and Least Like You
I don’t get it. If you’re matching me up, shouldn’t I understand the questions?
————————
Section 11: Most and Least Like You (cont’d)
Fuck YOU!
————————
Section 12: Family Relationships
Please use the scale below to tell us how well each of the following describes your relationship with your parents (or guardians) when you were growing up. If your parents were not both equally present, please focus on the parent with whom you felt the closest and most involved.
What Scale?
1. Conflicted – sometimes
2. Supportive – always, except that time they told me I didn’t look good in heels.
3. Abusive – I learned to bob and weave, so not so bad.
4. Tender – I never ate them
5. Uninvolved – Never. They used to grade me when I had sex as a teen
6. Over Involved – One time they got me thrown out of class for drinking. They were drinking.
Using the same scale, how well do the following describe your relationship with your parents now? (If deceased describe your relationship when they were alive. Please focus on the parent with whom you feel the closest and most involved.)
7. Friendly
8. Distant
9. Angry
10. Abusive
11. Tender
12. Supportive
13. Conflicted
14. Nurturing
15. Regretful
16. Tolerant
17. Uninvolved
18. Over Involved
I don’t have any mommy or daddy issues. I don’t want to sleep with my parents, kill my parents, or anything other than hang with them. It does become troubling to some when I have tea parties with my mother, because they insist I put the dirt back.
19. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why? (Please be brief. This answer will be shared with your matches.)
Stephen Hawkings – I figure if a crippled guy who talks into the machine used by Afirka Bambaata to make Planet Rock can become famous, why can’t I? I just have bad knees.
————————-
Section 13: General Information
1. Are you male or female?
Male – I have a penis, but some people have commented on my breasts. Penis trumps breasts.
Female
2. Please enter your birthdate: 07/06/1970
3. What is your current marital status
Never – ever ever
Divorced
Separated
Widowed
4. How many times have you been married?
5. How many children do you have who are 18 years old or younger and living full time in your home?
6. Aside from any children you or a new partner may already have, would you like to start a new family by having or adopting a baby?
I have had my eye on these two 18 Thai twins for a while now, so I’d be up t the challenge of taking them in.
Yes, I definitely want to have or adopt a baby.
Maybe, I haven’t decided yet.
No, I can’t or don’t want to become a new parent.
Oooh, sorry, didn’t see these choices
7. Would you be willing to accept a partner who has children 18 years old or younger living full time in their home?
Yes
No – no but if they are 18 or older and female or male with really hot female friends, I’d be down.
8. Choose the category that best describes your highest level of education.
Doctorate
Masters
Bachelors
Associates
Some college – Some, but that’s not fair, because I went on and off for like seven years. Most people that do that are called Doctors.
High School
Did not complete High School
———————–
Section 13: General Information (cont’d)
Please answer the following questions as completely and honestly as possible.
1. What is your personal income?
$0 …..this is how much I’ve made in the last three weeks. Why, you buying?
Less than $20,000
$20,000 to $40,000
$40,000 to $60,000
$60,000 to $125,000
$125,000 to $250,000
More than $250,000
2. Describe what you do for career or occupation:
(Please limit your answers to twenty words or less.)
As little as possible. Right now, I’m what you would call an aluminum can regeneration specialist.
3. Please enter your height in
From the ground? 5’9”
ft. in.
– OR –
cm
4. What is your ethnicity?
White, non-Hispanic – I’m more of a tan complexion.
Hispanic or Latino
African-American
Asian/Pacific Islander
Korean
Japanese
Chinese
Indian
Arab
Native American
Other
5. What ethnicities would you be willing to accept as matches?
(Check all that apply.)
White, non-Hispanic
Hispanic or Latino
African-American
Asian/Pacific Islander
Korean
Japanese
Chinese
Indian
Arab
Native American
Other
And this is where I go to hell.
I am an equally opportunity dater, but if you are Latino, you must be able to cook. If you are African American, you must be able to teach me to dance. If you are Asian/Pacific Islander (is that like Samoan?) uh-oh. If you are Korean, I will try dog, but I might not like it. If you are Japanese, you just have to cover your mouth when you giggle like on those weird TV game shows in Japan. If you are Chinese, I only expect my dinner in 20-30 minutes. If you are Indian, don’t get mad if when you are yelling I mistake your forehead for the Easy button. If you are Arab, you better have a see through burka. If you are Native American, just let me know if we’re tax exempt. If you are other, pelase be Russian, because Russian girls are freaking beautiful!
Choose the following words as to how each one describes your physical appearance. Use the following rating scale for each item.
1. Well Groomed – I said I’m not married.
2. Handsome – some, I have two like the rest of us.
3. Athletic – I can throw a ball
4. Overweight – Compared to most yes, but compared to that guy who had the side of his house removed to get him out, I’m skinny.
5. Ordinary - Extra
6. Fit – I fit in most places
7. Sexy – A little too much for my shirt
Use the scale below to answer the following questions:
1. How satisfied are you with your physical appearance?
2. How important is it that your partner be physically attractive?
This fucking scale thing is annoying me.
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Section 13: General Information (cont’d)
Please answer the following questions as completely and honestly as possible.
1. How much do you smoke?
Never – I have never smoked once.
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day)
2. Please indicate the most that you would accept your ideal match to smoke.
Never – Unless you are really hot and do funny things with your tongue, a spatula and a two rolls of flypaper. Otherwise, no cigarettes. Crack Fine!
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day)
3. How much do you drink?
Never
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day) – I don’t drink many different times, I just never stop.
4. Please indicate the most that you would accept your ideal match to drink.
Never
Rarely (a few times a year)
Occasionally (about once a week)
Regularly (several times a week)
Heavily (many times a day) – my ideal match would be someone who can throw down shots all day, but has the sense to realize the only way to keep me up on the drive home is to breath into the breathalyzer I keep in my pocket….or near my pocket.
5. Are you ready to receive matches from eHarmony?
Yes, please provide me with eHarmony matches…Fuck NO. Anyone who spends this much time on a compatability test is a fucking loser. No wonder they’re single looking for love on the internet. I think that one guy had the right idea when they asked “what do you look for in a woman?” and he answered “My Dick!”
No, please do not send me any matches until I am ready.
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