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Changes

The past few weeks have been a disaster.  The night of Hurricane Irene I let a friend down.  A week later, I did something even more stupid.  Since then I've continually sabotaged the one good thing going on in my life.  I've been told what to do.  I've been told what not to, but I am constantly doing the opposite.  Saturday night I annoyed my friend.  Sunday I annoyed her even more.  Here's the thing.  I don't remember anything.  Every night that has been bad, every single one has been due to drinking.  For years, I've had the highest tolerance and I've always been very cognisant about the fact that my friends with drinking problems had a moment where they turned the corner.  It's easy to say, I'll never drink again.  It's easy to say, I'll cut back and be careful.  The truth is I probably will drink again.  I just need to control my life.

Today, I woke up, feeling shaky and distraught with the knowledge I probably ruined any chance of being with this wonderful person.  I've let the drinking cloud my mind.  I've let those nights lead to arguments, when I should be happy to be with this person, whether it be one or two days a week or five.  I've spent money I don't have on these nights and I've let other aspects of my life suffer too.

Today I sat and drank coffee.  I could barely hold the cup.  I want to make amends with this wonderful person and I hope they give me another shot.  I joined an online support group today.  Not because I don't think I can do this myself, but just to for additional support.  I feel like I'm losing my grip on my own life and I want to know that I can reach out.  I have some great friends, but they are dealing with their own lives.  I don't want their personal feelings to cloud their judgement when it comes to me.  I do not feel my problem is a physical one.  I am not dependent on alcohol.  It's always been a social thing for me, but I've let it become too much of a social thing.  I need to start doing things for me that are away from getting drunk.  I don't go out and have one or two.  I go out for 10-12 hours.  Usually I've been able to handle it, but not anymore.

I don't know what the future holds and I don't know if my problem is temporary or something I really need to harness.  I know this.  I want to get this person back into my life and I've been going about it the wrong way.  It will be so much easier with her by my side, but I don't deserve that.  I haven't earned that.  I also need to get the other stuff in my life in order.  I've let things go that need to be done.  A few hours ago, was 24 hours.  She was nice enough to say hi.  It's a start.

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