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Relationships: A Look Back At Why I'm The Way I Am

Meeting the right guy or girl takes many things.  It takes the act of meeting.  The luck of meeting under the right circumstances.  I know ladies, The Notebook was a very romantic tale.  One about that cheat, Rachel McAdams, haha.  So now, you've met the right person, under the right circumstances.  Then you have to get to know them.  They say opposites attract, but the reality is that is very rarely true.  You need some bond.  Music, Movies, Art, something.  In most cases you need the same intellect to be able to converse and not have one person get bored.  You need to share some common values.  In some cases, people require someone to be of the same religion. Finally you have to decide if this is someone you want to put the time in with.  relationships are a lot of work.  No matter who you are, you are going to have to make sacrifices and sometimes put the other person first.  Finally, you're going to have to decide if this is someone you are willing to spend the rest of your life with.  Or until you divorce or kill them.

Who and what we look for starts at a young age.  Like Hannibal Lechter said "we covet what we see every day." Almost everyone has had that first true love. The girl next door who was always there. You used to punch her and pull her hair, but it was really just and excuse to be close to her.  In many ways, you will always love that person, even if you move away and never see them again.  My next door neighbor and I were inseparable.  She was a sporty girl and she was very fast.  She would taunt me, knowing i couldn't catch her.  Then every once in a while she'd let me catch her.  We played doctor and such and it was all innocent and harmless fun.  Then she moved or I moved, not sure who moved first and we lost touch.  Spoke to her on Facebook once or twice, but that's about it.

I remember my my first real crush. A blond girl in second grade named Suzanne.  Everyone in the class liked her.  It didn't matter if the guys were tall or short, fat or skinny, or what ethnicity they were, everyone like Suzanne.  Looking back on it, she wasn't really that cute, but if memory serves me right, even though it was second grade, she had bumps.  The crush was short lived, because she turned out to be pretty snooty.  I saw her when I was a teenager and she was pretty ugly.  Felt bad, but she was still a bitch, so I got over it.

The first girl I really, really liked was this girl Jenny in 7th and 8th grade.  I never had the balls to ask her out, but she was really cool and we talked all the time.  My 8th grade yearbook was littered with jokes about me being scared to ask her out.  She was really thin and had absolutely no boobs.  She had long dark brown hair and was really smart.  I think because of her I always went after brunettes.  We lost touch after 8th grade, although I did hang out once with her about two years later.  There was no chemistry.

In HS, I didn't really like anyone.  There was one girl I did like, but she was always with someone, so ignored it.  I met a girl who didn't go to my school and she wasn't really my type, but I thought she was really pretty.  We dated for maybe three months, which was actually much shorter being she lived far away from each other when you don't have a car.  She ended up being my first and I don't regret it one bit.  We broke up because I didn't like the people she hung out with.  Something I'm sure many girls I've dated have felt the same about me.

During and right after HS it was mainly hookups, as I wasn't really serious about much.  I dated one girl for a few months and it was OK, but she ended up being more of a tease than I could handle, so we broke up.  Then I dated a girl I really liked and actually somewhat stole her away from a friend of mine.  We somewhat stayed friends, but I probably should have stuck with my guy friend, because last I heard she doesn't like men.  I hope that wasn't because of me.

My 18-20 years were spent pretty much hooking up with one or two people and not being serious.  Then I ran into a HS friend who was younger when we were in school.  I knew her well because our brothers were friends.  I asked her out and she said no and then we started hanging out.  She went away and wrote me a note and told me to open it on my birthday (which for some outlandish reason I waited to do).  She said yes.  We ended up going out for almost seven years.  We were best friends, our brothers were friends, our parents were friends and everything was fine.  We spent all our time together and after a while we needed to hang with our friends.   This of course opened our eyes to the fact we had smothered each other.  I started going out more and so did she. In the end, silly things I did and her desire to get out there ended our relationship.  It wasn't pleasant at the beginning, but to this day I consider her one of the most important people in my life.

I then took a step back from seeing people and tried to get stuff together.  That didn't work, but I met someone a few years later and we started hanging out.  It was never dating at the beginning, but it was.  I was so afraid to open up at this point in my life (I know, imagine that) that for nearly seven years I shut this girl out of my life, except when it worked for me.  To this day, it is one of life's biggest regrets.  Not necessarily because I think we would have been great together, we wouldn't.  She would have been sweet and I would have been a dick and taken her for granted.  I regret it because I wasted a large portion of her life.  When people ask me about her now, I say this simple statement.  "She is hands down the nicest, most compassionate and unselfish person I have ever met."  Our breakup was awful and another regret of mine, because I truly hurt her.  Luckily, she bounced back and found someone who made her very happy.  Today, she is still a good friend and has helped me out in times of need.

Right after the past relationship I immediately jumped into a relationship with someone I'd known for years.  We jumped in too fast and within days I was basically living with her.  We broke up less than a year after and went into this back and forth mode for another two years until I found someone else, who I fell head over heals for.  I think the reason was I went from someone who was so serious about things to someone who didn't give a shit about anything.  It was very short lived and she crushed me. I deserved it in many ways, but it still hurt.

At this point in my life, I realized that I needed someone who was somewhat carefree, but caring.  Someone who was different from those I had always been attracted to (she's the first blond I've ever considered dating).  Someone who had gone through stuff I'd gone through.  Someone who was different but the same.  After two years, I found that person.  We had oodles of things in common, but enough different that we could learn about each other.  We'd both hurt and been hurt.  We are experienced enough to know that it's never going to be perfect.  We had similarities that were eerie, but also differences that could pose challenges.  I was up for the challenge, but unfortunately, I ruined it by my behavior.  I'm trying to repair the damage and I won't give up without a fight.

So what have I learned?  I've learned that from an early age, Ive tried to be with people that make me feel comfortable.  Unfortunately, I do not always repay them with the same comfort.  I realized that I need someone who understands what it is like to lose a parent.  It sounds silly, but it's a huge void in my life and someone knowing what that is like is so important.  I need someone who is motherly, but tough, like my mother.  Someone who will call me out, but then give me a hug.  I need someone I can sit on a couch with and watch  TV in silence, but the next day, do the same thing and talk for hours.  I need someone who gets me.  I need someone who I get.  I'm working on that part.  I don't need constant interaction, but I do need to feel I'm noticed.  I need to feel like I can be there, without sarcasm, in sickness and in health.

This little story will sound silly, but the girl I like was sick one morning and I made her breakfast.  She fought me on it, but she finally agreed to let me make her tea.  When I went to make it, there were about six varieties.  I chose the one that I felt would be most soothing.  When I gave her the meal and the mug, she smiled and said "How'd you know which tea I wanted?"  It's things like that, all the years have taught me, that are the best moments of my life.

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