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Things I Can't Change About Myself

As I come down the homestretch of week two of the new me, I have come to realize with clarity comes recognition.  Not by others, but self recognition.  I've realized while changing something minor in myself, that it's the major things that will always be left behind.  As I struggle with the loss of a relationship, the weakening of some friendships and the reality of more and more time spent alone, I realize there are things about me, I just can not change.  Some I wish I could, some I can not.

I can't change my compassion.  I feel for people.  Especially those in need.  I am usually the funny guy in the room, but when the chips are down, I turn into the one who puts his hand on your shoulder and offers you support.  Tonight I did that and it wasn't wanted.  I understand.  Everyone needs a break from reality.  I guess I was so used to taking that break every day, that my instincts slowed me down to be the caretaker.  Maybe it's because of my time with my mother.  I don't know.  I know deep down it was appreciated, but who knows, maybe I was wrong.

I am sensitive.  I have no problems crying in front of people during movies or while telling a story that touches me.  I have cried listening to others stories.  When I'm alone and something touches me, I ball like a little girl.  I am not ashamed.  The feeling after is usually pretty good.  It's good to get things out.  For years I kept things in and they manifested into anger.  Now I let it out, but many times it's not enough.  Sometimes when you let these things out, you need someone by your side, to let you know that it's OK.  I don't have that in my life now and it sucks, because I've spent a lot of time crying.

I have an ego.  I don't have an ego, because I look like an Adonis.  I don't have an ego, because I make a ton of money.  I have an ego, because ninety nine out of a hundred times, someone can speak about something and I not only know about it, but I know more than almost everyone in the room about it.  I'm anal about learning. If I don't know, I look it up.  I confirm it's correct and I make sure if it comes up again, I am armed.  Sometimes me knowledge turns to telling people they are wrong. This sometimes crosses the line when topics are slightly fact based and slightly opinion.  Those blurred lines usually cause me to be called something a little less flattering than Big Ego.

I am truly a hopeless romantic.  The funny thing is I never do anything that is the norm.  I hate buying flowers, because I think it's a hoax.  I usually stay away from chocolate on Valentine's Day.   Honestly, I think being original is the best.  I know I respect that in people more than anything. I'm not saying different for the sake of different, I mean original.  I tend to fall in love quickly.  Sometimes I look back and think I was nuts, but sometimes I know that they might have been the one that got away.  Sometimes I feel that now, although I'll get yelled at probably for writing this.  It's just when you meet someone you know within seconds if you're attracted to them.  After that first kiss,  you know if there is more.  After spending time with them, you know if this is something you are comfortable with.  When you leave them you have that pit in your stomach and you know.  When you first make love, the nerves hit you and you know that it's special.  Sometimes it's not the first time.  The times you really know it is when you're together, nothing is being said.  A slight squeeze of your arm or the subtle lean to be closer when you can't be much closer.  Those are the things that are special.  Those are the things that keep me up at night.  Thinking about the smell of her hair, her soft skin and the faint breathing as she lays next to me.  And the half asleep muttering of "this is nice."  Nothing in the world can beat that.

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