Yesterday, while uneventful, was a pivotal day in my life. Yesterday, I decided that I'm going to stop drinking. I don't know if this will be a permanent thing, but for now, that is how I am going into it. I was discussing with someone last night how it was only the last few weeks or months that it has been a problem, but the reality is, it has always been somewhat of a problem. In the past it hasn't cost me as much as the last few weeks, but it has cost me in other ways.
The financial burden of going out has been catastrophic when i look at it. I've never had any very high paying jobs and a large percentage of my pay has gone to socializing. I've had three car accidents while drinking and two could have been awful. One for myself and one for complete strangers, for this I am forever thankful. Thankfully, both times, luck was on my side. As a teen and young adult, I was constantly getting into fights. Drinking played a huge part in that (mine and others). It's caused me to become physical with friends and this is something I regret.
Last night, I was looking back on the last few weeks. The nights I drank were filled with laughter and jokes, but inevitable ended with me arguing with someone. I've said nasty things to people I love and made others feel uncomfortable. Even worse, is I lied to someone. Honestly, to me is the most sacred virtue and it's something I regret terribly. Last night I looked back on the last few weeks and realized something very important. The nights, I didn't drink, or those I had what normal people consider social drinking, were amazing. They weren't just good, but they were great. They were spent laughing, just as much as those drunken nights and always ended up a hell of a lot better. The mornings were bright and fresh and I felt good about myself. Not those drunken nights. Those were awful.
I don't want to get into specifics, because I've already embarrassed people with my blogs and my status updates. I've been an open book, because it's who I am. I've been judgmental and self-righteous and I've hurt important people. All the while, I was the one who should have been judged. I should have been judged on my lack of control, for the words I've said to people and for my actions. I used not remembering as an excuse, but that should never be one. I don't even know some of the people I've offended. To those, I do and those I don't, I apologize.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to make up for my mistakes and be a better person in the future. I appreciate those who have already reached out in support. I was looking for love, but I ruined that. Hopefully, I can make ammends. I was looking for attention, but went about it all the wrong way. I knew it then, but couldn't stop myself. For this too, I apologize.
Today, I'm not in a great place. I've made a list of goals to accomplish for the week, like a child with a set of chores. I need that now. I need a little structure. I wish my mother was here to smack me in the head and tell me to snap out of it. I wish she was here for guidance. So today, I'm thinking about happy thoughts. Hopefully those will get me through it. I'm thinking about playing baseball with my dad. I'm thinking about holding my baby brother in the middle of the night. I'm thinking of the good times I've had with my grandparents. I'm thinking about playing in the street with friends or hanging in their houses watching Monday Night Football. I'm thinking about the people I've loved from my past and my future. I'm thinking about how Wednesday Chinese night was so wonderful and how tomorrow I'll miss it. I'm thinking about how remembering the good times is so much better than forgetting the bad times. I think I want more of those days and nights, so that's what I'm going to be thinking of today. Happy Thoughts!
The financial burden of going out has been catastrophic when i look at it. I've never had any very high paying jobs and a large percentage of my pay has gone to socializing. I've had three car accidents while drinking and two could have been awful. One for myself and one for complete strangers, for this I am forever thankful. Thankfully, both times, luck was on my side. As a teen and young adult, I was constantly getting into fights. Drinking played a huge part in that (mine and others). It's caused me to become physical with friends and this is something I regret.
Last night, I was looking back on the last few weeks. The nights I drank were filled with laughter and jokes, but inevitable ended with me arguing with someone. I've said nasty things to people I love and made others feel uncomfortable. Even worse, is I lied to someone. Honestly, to me is the most sacred virtue and it's something I regret terribly. Last night I looked back on the last few weeks and realized something very important. The nights, I didn't drink, or those I had what normal people consider social drinking, were amazing. They weren't just good, but they were great. They were spent laughing, just as much as those drunken nights and always ended up a hell of a lot better. The mornings were bright and fresh and I felt good about myself. Not those drunken nights. Those were awful.
I don't want to get into specifics, because I've already embarrassed people with my blogs and my status updates. I've been an open book, because it's who I am. I've been judgmental and self-righteous and I've hurt important people. All the while, I was the one who should have been judged. I should have been judged on my lack of control, for the words I've said to people and for my actions. I used not remembering as an excuse, but that should never be one. I don't even know some of the people I've offended. To those, I do and those I don't, I apologize.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to make up for my mistakes and be a better person in the future. I appreciate those who have already reached out in support. I was looking for love, but I ruined that. Hopefully, I can make ammends. I was looking for attention, but went about it all the wrong way. I knew it then, but couldn't stop myself. For this too, I apologize.
Today, I'm not in a great place. I've made a list of goals to accomplish for the week, like a child with a set of chores. I need that now. I need a little structure. I wish my mother was here to smack me in the head and tell me to snap out of it. I wish she was here for guidance. So today, I'm thinking about happy thoughts. Hopefully those will get me through it. I'm thinking about playing baseball with my dad. I'm thinking about holding my baby brother in the middle of the night. I'm thinking of the good times I've had with my grandparents. I'm thinking about playing in the street with friends or hanging in their houses watching Monday Night Football. I'm thinking about the people I've loved from my past and my future. I'm thinking about how Wednesday Chinese night was so wonderful and how tomorrow I'll miss it. I'm thinking about how remembering the good times is so much better than forgetting the bad times. I think I want more of those days and nights, so that's what I'm going to be thinking of today. Happy Thoughts!
Jon,
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your new plan. I know it's been said so many times before, but just take it one day at a time.You are a very special person with huge intellectual strength and insight. Besides that you're pretty damn funny and I frequently turn to your blog when I'm feeling down. It never fails to boost my spirits. Thanx 4 that!