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Clinging

I rarely discuss this, but I think it's relevant in my life right now.  I've mentioned it once before in a blog, but it wasn't really a huge part of the piece.  I discussed it today with someone and it's something I've thought about recently and possibly have come to a realization about myself and one of my true faults.   It's through thinking, reflection and time alone that many things come to us.  Sometimes the act of sitting or laying in the dark with no companionship other than our own thoughts, that we arrive at conclusions about ourselves that we may never have realized.  I don't know when this hit me, but it's definitely in my mind now, as I struggle with the imminent loss of something desired.

When I was 9, possibly just turned 10, my parents adopted a baby girl.  I loved my sister dearly and she was the highlight of my life.  Every day I fed her, I held her and I kissed her.  I fantasized about her growing up and me protecting her from all the perils of the world we live in.  At a young age, it wasn't a difficult task.  I remember, being proud to be a big brother.  Something I still am today with my brother.  This was different.  It was my job to protect her and I'd do it forever.  Three weeks later she was taken away.  Not by death, but by the family who gave birth to her.  One day, before she "legally" became my sister forever. 

The sadness that I felt can not be explained.  In death, we are given closure.  The pain subsides, because we know it has to.  Death, sadly, is a part of life.  It's something we will all suffer through.  That loss stings, but it is only temporary.  We all know it is inevitable and will hit us at different points in our lives. What I experienced, at such a young age, isn't something everyone experiences.  To love someone unconditionally and have them taken away, with only wonder left, is the single hardest thing a person can do.  I loved my sister unconditionally.  Today, she is in her early 30's.  She probably knows nothing about her brief time spent with her brother. 

I've never admitted this to anyone, but I think about her every day.  I wonder if her life turned out better or worse.  I wonder what she looks like.  I wonder if she was protected like I would have protected her.  I wonder if she is happy.  I hope she is.  It's all I would have wanted anyway.

Recently, I entered into a relationship and it ended as soon as it started.  I've been called clingy.  I've been called needy.  I've been called obsessive.  I've also been called caring, sweet, concerned and possibly the right person at the wrong time.  In my life, I've been called a lot of things, good and bad.  In the last few days, I've thought about stuff and it's really come to light.  My personality was shaped heavily that day when I found out I'd never be the older brother to my little sister.  After that, I became very different and when I look back, I face relationships with females in two ways.  I either refused to let myself become involved for fear of later loss or I became so emotionally attached, I made my love and affection a detriment, by feeling it was my duty.  I've caused myself loss and grief because of this and I don't know if I'm able to stop.  I can tell myself to stop caring, to be like so many others, who objectify women and feel they are there to serve them.  It's not me.  The people I fall for, I fall for hard.  I love them sooner than I should.  I think about them constantly and I adore them.  I feel the need to be their rock and to be their shield against all that is bad.  I feel the need to be something very few of them want.  In the end, I end up smothering them.  Sometimes with a kindness that is taken as a form of lunacy.  I can not change that.

Life shouldn't be spent wondering what could have been, but the reality is, it's part of every day for me.  I seem to always be a minute late to the party.  I've lost loves because of lethargy and I've lost loves because of my overbearing ways.  I hurl myself into one's life with such reckless abandon that I scare them.  I need to know they are with me.  Even if they are,  need that constant reminder, because every day, I think of my sister and know that nothing is guaranteed. 

I'll bounce back.   I always do.  I'll be hurt again.  I always am.  I'll make the mistakes I've made in the past.  It's what I do.  I'll be a friend to someone I love.  It's in my nature.  I will turn someone away who loves me, because they can't handle my intensity.  I know because it happens all the time.  I'll find love forever.  Well, I know better than most.  Nothing last forever.  No matter how badly you want it to. 

I will live my life one day at a time and hope that the people I love share it with me and take me for who I am.  If I'm lucky, they'll love me back.  If even for a minute.

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