Fun In The Supermarket

I love going to the supermarket.  I love the looks I get when they see a single guy actually buying food that doesn't come in a box (aside from my new favorite pizzas).  I love doing things in the supermarket that make people notice me.  I don't make a scene like the mother who was yelling at her kid at the top her voice today, because he didn't want to be there.  I don't wear clothing that makes me look like a photo op from the peopleofwalmart.com.  I don't do anything over the top, but I do enjoy myself. 

I like to stare at people, preferably younger women, while I squeeze produce.

I like to stand right behind people and wait for them to move, even though I can go around them.  if they question it, I say, I didn't want to cross the imaginary double yellow line.

I like to stand by the frozen food section and hold the Ore-Ida french fries and make Slingblade comments in the Billy Bob Thornton voice.

I like to read the nutritional information out loud of something that is obviously bad for you.

I like to grab something that says 5/$5 and ask people how much they think three will cost. 

I like to huff and puff and vocalize my displeasure at the fact that hummus is on sale more infrequently than any other product.

I like to pick up the rotisserie chickens and then say "this looks like it's already been cooked," and put it down. 

I like to order 7/16 of a lb and then say "I'm just fucking with you...give me a quarter of a kilo."

I like to buy one Skippy and one Jif peanut butter and ask the cashier what will happen if I mix them.

I like to buy cleaning products and tell people in line "this is great for dishes....blood?  not so much?"

I like when my bill is $40.21 to pay with a credit card and then hand the cashier 14 cents.

I like to grab a cart and get one item.

I like to bite all the ends off of the Bastone and Ciabbata breads.

I like to take those little cup cakes.  Take the icing of one and smear it all over my face and then when  go to check out, tell them that one was missing.

When they ask me if I have a Stop and Shop card, I like to give them a gift card to Best Buy and then ask them where they keep the CD's now.

I like when I see pregnant women in the supermarket eating things like grapes.  I like to tell them that the pesticides will probably kill their baby.  Then laugh and say, "just kidding it's probably already dead."  Then ask if I can feel it not kick - OK settle down ladies. it's a joke.

I like to pretend that Triscuits and Wheat Thins are having a fight and the winner goes in my cart. 

I like to hold a lighter under a bag of popcorn and when people tell me I can't do that, I say "don't worry, i'm done...all popped."

I like to fill my cart with garbage bags and bleach and yell to workers "where's the duct tape?"

I like to bring whipped cream and chocolate syrup over to the ice cream section to save someone else the time.

I like to look in people's carts and say "you didn't hear about the recall?"  Then not tell them which product I'm lying about.

I like to offer to carry groceries for people and when they say yes I ask them "can you fit in your trunk?"

Sometimes I just walk up to an unattended counter and start bagging people's groceries.  Then when there is something I want, I just put it in my basket.

I like when I see parents with their groceries in a stroller an their kid walking.  I smile and ask how old they are.  When they tell me their kids age, I tell them they are probably spoiled or rotten.

I like to open a bag of Skittles and scream "it does taste just like a rainbow."

I like to ask the cashier if she believes it's not butter.

I like to go to the meat section and hold a whole chicken up and drop to my knees screaming "why?  you were so young."  I also like to hold up those value packs of about 16 wings and say, "you know the old adage....well times 8!"

I like to point out the difference between 2% milk and 1% milk is not 1% unless you drink exactly one serving.  Then punch the person the face and tell them, that wouldn't have hurt as much had they moved.

I to buy instant potatoes and stuffing and pour water on the box and sob when my meal isn't ready.

I like to sit in the organic section and make sex noises and then when people complain say "oh...organic, my bad!"