"In a soulmate we find not company but a completed solitude." ~Robert Braul
I recently found this quote by chance, at a time I was sitting alone thinking about my future and how much time will be spent in some form of solitude. I've always been someone who cherishes their alone time. I revel in it. I also know the importance of human interaction and especially on an emotional level. It dawned on me that being alone has its advantages, but the disadvantages highly outweigh them. The other night, I stopped out for some Chinese food. I had ordered it and arrived at the restaurant a little earlier than anticipated. As I sat and waited for mine, I saw person after person walk in. They all received their tiny single servings and were off. Nobody made eye contact. There was a young heavy set woman in her 20's. A gentleman in his late 50's. A very attractive woman in her late 40's. A few others were less noticeable. Everyone waited in silence. Glancing at their cell phones or reading whatever was on the wall. The sense of loneliness wasn't apparent until a couple walked in. Boisterous enthusiasm emitting from both as the wife proudly displayed her baby bump. It was then that the dejected looks started to appear. I tried to make eye contact with all, letting them know they weren't alone. I succeeded with one. As I walked out, it made me think about my own loneliness. and I walked.
As I got home, I opened my food and waited for something I had wanted to watch on TV. One of the subplots was a story about dying alone and how two people, although apart, agreed not to let one another die alone. I was saddened by this coincidental theme. I was drawn to tears when thinking about others I've known, who in a sense died alone. I don't want that to happen to me. Although, in thinking hard about it. If I was to find that one special person, I'd hate for them to have to endure that pain. While it would crush me, I'd want them to find comfort in my arms and in my eyes. The night drew on and I found the quote above and it truly hit me.
I thought about my mother's parents while reading this quote over and over. They had family and friends. They could hardly be called alone, but I thought about how they went home at night, long before the Alzheimer's and they were alone. They were alone in their thoughts. I thought about a special day in my life. Four friends, sitting on a dock, watching a sunset. No words were spoken, but everyone thought the same thoughts. This is what it is all about.
And then I thought about a few weeks ago. I thought about when I knew. I thought about a specific morning. I lay next to her naked body. My arm numb from her shoulder pressing against it. I remember her rolling over. And it was then that I knew. I watched her sleep. Counting every breath. Her soft skin sparkling as the morning sun shined through her window. I lay there for two, maybe three hours. The pain in my arm was unbearable, but for one moment, I knew. I wasn't looking at her now. I wasn't counting the breaths of that day. I was looking at her 30 years from now. I was counting thousands, if not millions of breaths. It may not be her. It doesn't appear to be. But I knew at that moment, I felt something I hadn't felt in almost 20 years. I knew at that moment, that there was someone who could make this loneliness, this solitude, feel like a gift. Her skin would lose it's soft feel, her breathing would become deeper and more forced. Her face would lose it's youthfulness, but her heart would stay the same. I thought about my grandfather as he looked at my grandmother. I thought about my father, as he looked at my dying mother. That despite the years and a disease that had destroyed her physical beauty, I knew, that when he looked at her, all he saw was that person he fell in love with and the way she looked the day he knew. The day he knew, they would always be.
I recently found this quote by chance, at a time I was sitting alone thinking about my future and how much time will be spent in some form of solitude. I've always been someone who cherishes their alone time. I revel in it. I also know the importance of human interaction and especially on an emotional level. It dawned on me that being alone has its advantages, but the disadvantages highly outweigh them. The other night, I stopped out for some Chinese food. I had ordered it and arrived at the restaurant a little earlier than anticipated. As I sat and waited for mine, I saw person after person walk in. They all received their tiny single servings and were off. Nobody made eye contact. There was a young heavy set woman in her 20's. A gentleman in his late 50's. A very attractive woman in her late 40's. A few others were less noticeable. Everyone waited in silence. Glancing at their cell phones or reading whatever was on the wall. The sense of loneliness wasn't apparent until a couple walked in. Boisterous enthusiasm emitting from both as the wife proudly displayed her baby bump. It was then that the dejected looks started to appear. I tried to make eye contact with all, letting them know they weren't alone. I succeeded with one. As I walked out, it made me think about my own loneliness. and I walked.
As I got home, I opened my food and waited for something I had wanted to watch on TV. One of the subplots was a story about dying alone and how two people, although apart, agreed not to let one another die alone. I was saddened by this coincidental theme. I was drawn to tears when thinking about others I've known, who in a sense died alone. I don't want that to happen to me. Although, in thinking hard about it. If I was to find that one special person, I'd hate for them to have to endure that pain. While it would crush me, I'd want them to find comfort in my arms and in my eyes. The night drew on and I found the quote above and it truly hit me.
I thought about my mother's parents while reading this quote over and over. They had family and friends. They could hardly be called alone, but I thought about how they went home at night, long before the Alzheimer's and they were alone. They were alone in their thoughts. I thought about a special day in my life. Four friends, sitting on a dock, watching a sunset. No words were spoken, but everyone thought the same thoughts. This is what it is all about.
And then I thought about a few weeks ago. I thought about when I knew. I thought about a specific morning. I lay next to her naked body. My arm numb from her shoulder pressing against it. I remember her rolling over. And it was then that I knew. I watched her sleep. Counting every breath. Her soft skin sparkling as the morning sun shined through her window. I lay there for two, maybe three hours. The pain in my arm was unbearable, but for one moment, I knew. I wasn't looking at her now. I wasn't counting the breaths of that day. I was looking at her 30 years from now. I was counting thousands, if not millions of breaths. It may not be her. It doesn't appear to be. But I knew at that moment, I felt something I hadn't felt in almost 20 years. I knew at that moment, that there was someone who could make this loneliness, this solitude, feel like a gift. Her skin would lose it's soft feel, her breathing would become deeper and more forced. Her face would lose it's youthfulness, but her heart would stay the same. I thought about my grandfather as he looked at my grandmother. I thought about my father, as he looked at my dying mother. That despite the years and a disease that had destroyed her physical beauty, I knew, that when he looked at her, all he saw was that person he fell in love with and the way she looked the day he knew. The day he knew, they would always be.
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