This blog has all but died. I still use it to keep track of movies, but that's about it. I've stopped the rants, stopped the open heart messages and stopped the insights, whether they were right or wrong. I'd like to start a new one, with a theme I stick to and maybe make some money doing it, but there is so little out there that isn't covered ad nauseam.
2015 was a horrid year for me and I don't believe tomorrow is a great rebirth. While I will always remember this year as one of the worst in my life, I did get a cat, who is my best friend. Who senses my pain and my pleasure. I "met" a friend, who gets me too. Quite possibly, on a level not to many have. While my chance at anything romantic with her isn't in the cards, a little piece of me will hold out hope, maybe for a day, maybe forever. Who knows? She tells me we don't know about the future, but I know, based on my past, we'll fade, our friendship and I'll be left with memories of something special, which I will cherish. Just like the person in 1997, who lifted me up and changed my life, in exchange for a single hug. That time, she wanted more, but I wasn't in the right place. This year also revealed I will be an uncle. I can't offer anything, but my love right now, but when I can, I will spoil that kid rotten, that I know.
So I bid adieu to this year and like the last few, you won't be missed. I'll hold tightly to the three good memories and let the rest fade away. Tomorrow won't change anything, but the last number on the calendar, but maybe that's the point. Maybe we need to stop looking at life in terms of days, weeks, months and years and simply a handful of moments we treasure, endure, escape or embrace and hopefully, when it all ends, we'll still have our wits to look back and smile.
Happy New Year.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Had thought of writing about the two people in my life right now, but can't find any words that work. A narcissistic follower and a subservient leader, their ironic existence is the yin and yang to my own. One whose mundane routines fill me with anxiety and hate, while the other, whose schedule fluctuations, create pockets of unexpected happiness, that last just long enough to be ruined, by the cold kitchen floor; a shocking reminder, to never take for granted anything you have, because the tiniest things, seem so large, when they are gone.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Feels like months since I've written here. A 3am run to the bathroom and the need to stay connected. Out from under warm sheets, tiptoe across the floor, turning back to see the tiniest bits of light reflecting in the cat's eyes. Come back, sip the now cold coffee and find out a singer is dead. Feels like I just shut off Amy and there's another tragedy. Thoughts rewind, fast forward and pause. Shooting, climate, war, babies, animals, life and death. Scroll the feed and traffic and work complaints. Hundreds of thousands, checking in dumpsters for meals, yet twenty minutes in a warm waiting room deserves our sympathy? I smile, not at the thought of poverty or anguish, but that tiny ray starts to shine. "Did you just call me an asshole?" I giggle now, like I did earlier. It'll never happen the way I imagine it, because I know my life...the hug, squeeze turning into something more, will never exist. Walking back from that cold bathroom floor, back into bed, wrapping my arms around her, just once, maybe more, maybe not dying alone, each and every night. It's 5am now, the cat yawns and turns from the light, like much of my hope. 5am, counting, wondering if it'll be three, four, five hours or more, until good morning, and asking of my evening. "Fine." Knowing neither is ever really fine. I turn over and imagine a different life. One I'll never have and all of me, every but if me, hopes I never do, because it would mean things didn't work out for someone else. 5:05 now. That much closer to my hello. This is what matters and I'm OK with that. Sleep? Today is Friday. The day that at times feels like the end of a summer romance. I'm already looking forward to Monday, just to smile, maybe dream about that squeeze.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
With one month left, I finally surpassed the 300 movies mark (a few shorts, but also a few series and/or seasons of shows thrown in. The good outweighed the bad this month, but the real gem was Ordet. One could argue it's place as one of the greatest movies of all-time and when I say argue, whether it's number one or not.
- The Bicycle Thief - After all these years, I finally see it and I'm left baffled by its praise.
- Mommy - Xavier Dolan's unflinching look at so much more than just a mom and her son.
- We Are Still Here - Silly horror film, with goofy ghost, ruins solid atmosphere.
- The Gift - A complete train wreck from start to finish, which is surprising with the stellar cast.
- Point Blank - Exciting, frenetic-paced French thriller that is rich as it is fun.
- Le Havre - Kaurismaki's simple, nearly perfect tale of a lovable loser's altruism.
- Ordet - Awe! The only word to describe my feeling. Emotions will run. Dreyer masterpiece.
- The Gallows - Possibly THE worst horror movie ever made. Possibly the worst movie, period.
- The House at the End of Time - Dull beginning, but then it turns into a truly magical film.
- Dead Man's Shoes - Considine is in this dark revenge tale, but I wanted a stronger message.
- A Story of Floating Weeds - Ozu's silent film didn't work for me, but preview of his brilliance.
- Day of Wrath - Dreyer's film looks wonderful and Movin is enchanting, but lacks fire.
- Fitzarraldo - Herzog's epic might strive to be too big, but it's impossible to ignore.
- Forks over Knives - Well done documentary on plant based diet, which sticks to it's claim only.
- The Stanford Prison Experiment - Gripping and intense, with not a single bad performance.
- Criminal Minds - Season 8 - The show has definitely jumped the shark, but like old characters.
- Ariel - Aki Kurismaki film about down and out drifter who dreams of a better life.
- Dead Within - What appears to be a metaphor for domestic abuse, turns out to be just silly.
- Shadows in Paradise - Kaurismaki's first of the proletariat trilogy is effective in its bareness.
- Chop Shop - Little indie, doesn't try to be anything more than it is. Queens locale is perfect.
- The Wolfpack - Disturbing exploitation film of kids who need real help and horribly done.