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Showing posts from March, 2010

Letter to March

Usually I wait until the month has finished and try to be a little retrospective. To be honest, I was going to blog about health care reform and then thought to myself. Nobody cares. Everyone wants to know what you did this month. They can't wait. All four of them are waiting with baited breath.

Well March was absolutely crazy in many ways. I worked about 90 hours the whole month. Bad weather, bad economy, bad habits all played a huge role in my inactivity in making money. That being said, it also featured a month where I spent money like a madman. Mostly on beverages. I can't in recent memory, remember a month where I ate less and drank more. I'm not proud, but it's my fucking blog and I need to vent. The beginning of the month I went out more than a few nights out of sheer boredom. Then St. Paddy's day hit and that night started a two week bender the likes of which not too many people have seen. This is the second day in the last fourteen I have not had a drink. T…

Taking Your Kids Out To Eat!

Let me state that for the record, that I am not a parent. I was however, a child at one time. In the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time out watching the disintegration of parenting as we know it. Especially when it comes to restaurants. I remember when I was younger, my parents took me everywhere. If they went out to eat and it wasn't going to be a late night, I went with them. Sometimes I'd have a babysitter if they were going to a movie or a show, but in general, if it was strictly out to eat, I'd go with them. They would include me in conversations, as would any other diners we happened to be with and it was never a problem. I remember almost always seeing other children no matter where we went. This is not the case anymore.

I walked through a restaurant the other night and noticed about half of the twenty-five tables had children. Only one of the tables had a child that was not either watching a DVD, playing some handheld device or listening to an Ipod. This to…

Random Thoughts While I Eat Lunch

Just some things I've been thinking about lately.

If I ever get hit by a vehicle, I really hope it's an ambulance.

Have you ever stood at a corner of an intersection and heard the beeps that tell blind people when it is safe to cross? How the hell do they know which direction is safe? I can see and I can't figure it out half the time.

Despite the fact that everyone makes fun of the Jersey Shore, I still see people with that spray on tan.

If you want to know the real problem with unemployment, go to an office and ask the guy next to you covered in paint how his workday was.

Why are cereal boxes twice as big as when I was a kid, but have the same amount in them and no toy.

Has anyone ever seen a bird and a bee fucking? If you have, please tell me about it. If I ever have kids I wanna know what to say.

Why do they call it a two way mirror when regardless of which side you're on, you can only see one way?

Have you ever listened to rock stations on the radio? Apparently betwe…

The Greatest Movie Line Ever

We've all heard Rhett Butler's famous line of "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" from Gone With the Wind or The Terminators famous, "I'll be back." These are lines that we all remember. They have become part of pop culture. Many times they are humorous and become jargon we use frequently. I'm not talking about those lines. I'm talking about the lines you hear while watching a movie and instantly you want to meet the guy who wrote them and shake hands with brilliance. I also believe that a line taken in context or the action that comes before it or after it can be just as powerful. In Oldboy, when Dae-Su says "I want to eat something alive," then eats a baby octopus and tears it apart with his teeth and hands, while the tentacles grab onto part of his face. These are the things that resonate in your mind, years after seeing a movie.

I've heard many lines that I have loved. Many have touched my heart. Many have been last line…

Ten Things I'm Really Getting Fed Up With

OK, I've been writing about the real me a lot lately and I'm sure the four people who read this are thrilled with that, but it's about time I griped about some shit that has really been getting under my skin. We all love lists, so here's my current top ten list.

1. People who repeat the same stories over and over again - I like to drink. I occasionally run into someone I saw the night before in a drunken stupor and start to recant a story I already told them. They stop me and I apologize for my drunken memory loss. Why do some people feel it necessary to continue their story when you tell them. Or, what about those people who always do it. It makes me wonder if they have done anything else in their lives other than these few things. Just go out, run in traffic and then if you make it back, tell me about that.

2. Cell phone conversations in public that are too loud - I know I don't and I'm pretty sure nobody else cares about your plans for later in the evening. I …

He Don't Got Game

I sometimes wonder why I can say absolutely anything to perfect strangers when I know that there are really no emotional repercussions or opportunities. I can compliment, offend, tease, whatever the situation does or doesn't call for, I can proceed without caution and usually say the right thing. Usually it's a light joke or maybe an over-the-top statement, but I usually nail it.

This past weekend I was having a grand old time when two chairs opened up in between myself and the group of ladies I was hanging out with. We had been going back and forth joking, sometimes lewd comments, but all kept in good taste with no real intent. A nice couple sat down between us and within about five minutes I turned to the guy and said "Wait, you're going out? How the fuck did you get her?" He laughed, she laughed, everyone laughed and it was soon known that I was harmlessly flirting and nothing was being done maliciously. Later in the night, the young lady stretched in her chair…

Why Society Is Screwed (50 years of proof)

If anyone has wondered if we're fucked, here's a little look at the last fifty years as it compares to today.

In 1960, The American Heart Association links smoking to heart disease. Today, almost everyone I know smokes or smoked at one time.

In 1965, J.K. Rowling was born. Today, only 35% of high school seniors read at the appropriate level. Books like hers are why.

In 1970, I was born. Today, somehow, I am still alive.

In 1975, unemployment rates hit record highs prompting President Ford (R) to announce a recession. Today, republicans blame the recession on Jimmy Carter who became president in 1976.

In 1980, the Iran-Iraq War started. Today we are fighting the country we backed in that war, even though we also gave arms to the country they were fighting.

In 1985, British scientists discover a hole in the ozone layer. Today, Global warming is a myth...right?

In 1990, The Hubble Telescope was set into orbit. Today, 850,000+ school years of public college could be been given (for free)…

The Greatest Time Of Year

Some people's emotions and feelings change with the seasons. I know summer people who are downright suicidal in the winter months. They lock themselves inside and barely see daylight, only to blossom again come spring. Much has been made about the weather lately and the past few 50 degree days have really brought out the smiles in most of us. Weather doesn't do it for me. I'm somewhat controlled by another higher power. This power lasts just one month. It doesn't start at the beginning of a month, but smack dab in the middle of one and ends in the middle of another. It is truly when I am at my happiest.

It usually starts around the middle of the third week of March. St. Paddy's day will kick off my happy season and for some reason that just feels right. It will then be followed by four straight days of college basketball. March Madness will be three 12 hour days of a hard court frenzy followed by one slightly short day. By the end of this five day swing, my liver an…

Hey Whore!

You would think that this is the start of an angry blog. One where I chastise someone who has jilted me. Someone who has torn my heart right from my chest, smashed it to the floor and stomped every ounce of blood from it. Well, unfortunately this is a happy tale. This is one about friendship. A true friendship. The subject line is how I greet her almost every time I see her. Like I said, true friendship!

When I moved to Eastchester in 1985, I started making friends with a group of guys who loved to play sports as much as I did. Every day after school, we'd join at Anne Hutchinson for basketball games. On the weekends, we'd play football or softball depending on the weather. We probably played 500 games during the course of 1985-1988. On most of those occasions, we had two spectators. My friends Billy's sister and our friend Linda. Usually their spectating involved snide remarks about us, mocking our poor performances and in my case, playing on the obvious infat…

Pictures of Pets

Everyone of us at point or another has had a pet. Remember when you were little you'd grab the dog's tale and when you got older, granny would tell you about how funny it was? Well what she forgot to remind you, and you're softer than mush mind already forgot, was that the first few times you did this, Fido bit your little hand. Not a big bite. Just enough to tell you, "hey fuck-O, that's my tail, how do you like it when Mommy shoves that glass rod up your ass (if you remember rectal thermometers, your parents were cruel like mine and refused to buy the oral one). That's why I don't have Vaseline in the house. The memories make me black out. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than waking up in the bathroom with your pants down and an open jar of Vaseline in your hand. I don't care how dry your skin is. Where was I? Oh yeah the family pet.

I remember looking through old albums and other than a few candid shots, the family pet appeared in p…

My Island CD

We've all been asked the question. What movies, what music, what foods would you pick if you were on an island, so here it goes. I'm gonna start some lists of my personal picks. I'm going to start with music. I'm going to make it a little difficult on myself. I'm going to limit it to ten songs. Not CD's, that would be too difficult. So ten songs I'd be stuck listening to day after day, waiting for the ship to find me, playing with my volleyball and avoiding smoke monsters. This is tough to think of. Anyone who has been fortunate or unfortunate enough to be stuck with me at the bar, knows I love me some Spice Girls, some T.I. and some Hanson, but would they make the top ten list? You'll have to wait and see.

Now this list is also a little different in that it's my island list. It's not like a driving CD where you want to crank Born To Be Wild and hit the gas. Nope, these are songs that mean something to me. They might even take me back to a specia…

Ode To Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss you are so dead,
Your fucking rhymes stuck in my head.
I did not want green eggs and ham,
I have no friends that I call Sam.

You gave us books that kids could read,
The ones who love them all smoke weed.
I didn't care about cat's or fish,
unless the latter was in my dish.

You told us Horton heard a who,
I really don't know what to do.
When I slam your book it makes a clap,
maybe it's because they were all crap.

Just kidding Dr. S, I love all your shit. Especially the later stuff like his classic on where kids come from "mommy had you because daddy banged her, now he wishes he used a wire hanger." Or who could forget his story about the oldest child feeling neglected "There would not be any kids that followed, if only your mother occasionally swallowed." Finally, my personal favorite about Horton's life before he hatched the egg "Horton's friend were in utter shock, when they got a look at his giant cock."
OK, some of those last on…

Letter to February

Well the short month started with that furry little fucker and for once it seems his premonition about winter was correct. The month was filled with snowfall and some chilly nights. The winter also, as it does, brought some discontent. Work was about as slow as it's ever been. I felt lucky to have worked about 80 hours this entire month. It could have been worse. In many ways it felt worse. It seems when I don't work I spend more time going out, partying it up, if you can call it a party. Watching curling, sucking back drinks like it's a job, and repeating familiar conversations over and over isn't the kind of party most would want an invite for. Maybe the loneliness of not having that person to hold has taken over. Maybe it's just that I am not as different from others as I see myself. Sometime I glance down the bar, the broken spirit of an elderly man, who at one time had everything to gain, but settled for easy. Who knows? In this economy do we really have the o…