Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween: The Greatest Berger Ever

I've written about my dislike of this holiday, but not for the reasons most would think. I've written about the silliness of people not being able to be their wildest, other than this night. I've written about how so many costumes reveal so many layers for some and hide some for others. The reality is, I do like Halloween from a kids point of view and as someone who has been or at least tried to have been, a role model.  My problem has always been the adults, but I don't want to think about that right now.

This is the first time in a decade and a half that I won't get to see "my kids" dressed up. I won't get to see the hilarious things they think up, like "Zombie Batman" or "Figure Skater Princess." I won't get to ask the kids, who costumes are painfully simple, "What are you supposed to be?" Only to be told something completely different than what they appeared to be. This is what I will miss and while some of you may laugh or those who get to experience it, take for granted, it will eat at me all day. Sure seeing kids in their outfits will be nice, but there won't be a connection and the stories, some of which tell themselves, but as time goes on, get better and better in my mind.

Usually my fifth graders didn't dress up for school, but one year, while waiting for all of my kids to arrive, I was told by those who arrived early to prepare. "Wait, til you see Berger!" Now this was a funny kid, but little did I expect that he would take his name to a whole other level. As he appeared, I couldn't control myself. Here was this kid, dressed as a hamburger, but the costume was huge. The funniest was that the burger was horizontal, so nobody could even stand that close to him, but he looked fantastic. As we walked down the hallway, he asked if he could play in the costume. We ended up playing kickball, so I said sure. Of course, Berger decided to use his costume as a battering ram with any kid who dared get in his way. I needed to make sure he didn't take it too far, but by the end of the class, kids were begging to get knocked over. I think the funniest part was when his mother came to get him and saw him still wearing it. She just rolled her eyes and half apologized, to which I explained there was no need.

Three years later, when he was graduating the eighth grade, many of the kids came back to see their old teachers and say hello. Berger made a point to come back and visit the after school class and seemed so grown up. He just stood and talked, telling me about his year and his maturity impressed me. Not the silly kid who I remembered. Then, as he left, he yelled out to the class and said "ask John about the time I hit him with the dodgeball and he farted. I guess, no matter how much older you get, you never lose your sense of humor.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Importance Of Nothing

Every day of my life I have laughed off serious events that could or did impact my life. That is not to say I did not take them seriously, but I have always looked at things from the "what's the worst case scenario" viewpoint. Now don't misunderstand, I do not go into things assuming failure or even anything other than success, but in my mind I always ask myself, what is the worst that could come of it.

So, you'd assume I'm going to talk about something bad happening. Nope, that is not at all the case. What I've noticed recently is that people all around me put so much importance in nothing.  The weather, the traffic, what to have for dinner, is my kid dressed warmly enough, etc. Listen, I get safety, health and the enjoyment of life, but the stress over every little thing in life, doesn't only affect the one doing it, but it tears at those of us who don't really care. I'm not saying we don't care about those we love and are friends with, but we don't care about every little hurdle they imagine.

Here's where I do something hypocritical. I can't stand people who are cryptic, but I can't give examples, because those who read may feel I'm betraying a trust or some of you vain people out there may believe this song is about you. If you like a girl and you want to ask her out. I will support your effort all you want, but don't ask me to date her friend. If you need me to watch your kids, while you go to a job interview, I'd be happy, but don't tell me you stopped for a drink and lunch with friends after. These examples aren't close to what I'm really talking about, the point is there. Don't expect others to stress with you over something they have no reason, at all, to care about.

The bottom line is that some of us go out of our way for the people we care about, but because we are willing to do almost anything for them, there is that courtesy we ask of them and that is, don't ask us to carry the little loads. Those, I feel are for either acquaintances or the times in life where you go it your own. Sometimes when you're asking so little of someone and you think "is it so much to ask?' Take a step back and ask yourself. Would they even ask you for so little?

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Free Writing - Take 59

So funny, seeing things from afar. Even those I didn't normally see in person, I see so differently. The sun shined today, seemingly the first time in a week, but not really. I felt fatigued, even symptoms to that in which, knock on wood, I haven't experienced in two years, maybe even three. The scraping sound of a ladder, familiar to my memories, sounded outside the window. Finally the slumber began and I awoke, still groggy, but aware. The ache was gone, but the cloudiness remained and for the first time in ages, I took a pill to relieve the pain. A nice dinner and a better baseball game put me in a brighter mood. I really started thinking later in the night and it made me realize that so much of what makes us happy in this world is simply our ability to shut off our cares. In many cases, to turn off our brains. Some are masters of this and some it comes more naturally, but it is, albeit not one I desire, a true gift. I also thought about how other's decisions, even in their inaction causes changes in our own lives. One such action, which was compounded today, truly struck a nerve. It made me realize that the decisions of others, when we know deep down they are regretted, burn us inside. I can't turn that off, just as I can't turn off the pain I feel when I know a friends child is suffering. Not physical pain, nor even emotional, but the pain I see that will be caused down the road. A pain, so few even know they are inflicting. Tell me again, it's none of my business. So I go to faceless, nameless children in other towns I'll never visit and read about them in the paper. Those I "admire" won't ever hear or read about them and they'll go about their happy lives. It's 5:30am again. Same time I laid down the night before. I hope I'll receive the luxury of more than 165 minutes this time. Maybe today I'll be able to ignore my own woes, so the woes of strangers won't bother me nearly as much. Maybe, I'll go eat some hummus. That always helps.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Random Thoughts At 2:44AM

Most people I know do not care about knowing the truth or facts, they only care about being the one who passes along information.

I wonder if I could privately ask people why they use social media (honestly), what their reason would be. 

I don't think people without a sense of humor, realize how much fun the world can be. Even during the hard times. 

So many of us spend time thinking of mistakes and regrets, but if we really think about it, we've probably dodged more bullets than missed boats. 

You know when you sit by yourself reading, sipping some coffee or tea and you don't think about anything, but what you're doing? That!



Wednesday, October 22, 2014

48 Hours of Faceboohoo A Free Writing ****Fest

I try not curse on social media or in my blog. I find it's immature, but holy fucking shit. How is it possible that out of 594 people, I couldn't find one positive original post in two full days. Sure there was the obligatory "my kid is so fucking cute (because you probably feel guilty for punishing them)" daily pics or the "I loved this so much I had to share it" or the usual "I am doing this fucking nothing for this bullshit charity, which I'm not even sure is real, but I look like a kind soul, so fuck it, I'll post this ribbon or wear this shirt or whatever" picture, but I mean original thought. Not a single, "hey today is going to be a good day" or "I'm proud of myself for not being a total fuckwad" or maybe even "you know what, my kid ain't perfect, but he tried so hard today." Nothing. Not one single post like that. So what I started doing was blocking all the shared links that people share daily. The next, will be the obvious, but it's so common to threaten, but who really cares anyway. Facebook has become the most depressing place on the earth. I shit you not when I know at least four people who have posted pics with the husband or the wife of the person they've been fucking behind their own spouses back and it's insane that anyone could be that fucking stupid. I know people who have sexually assaulted people, giving fucking relationship advice, which is fucking nauseating. I know people who are such magnets to misery, it amazes me they are still actually shocked when the shit goes down. Seriously, I'm no saint and I'll pretty much fess up to my ills, but c'mon people. You owns homes, you have children, you have spouses and you have jobs, which may or may not suck, but you have all the necessities to be happy, but you don't have love in your hearts, because you have greed and envy of everything you see of others. Please realize that they have the same woes as you and if they're showing a picture of their new car, with their big ring and their fancy new dress perfectly framed, they are suffering too. 

I am starting to sound like a damn faith healer, but you people really need to get your heads out of your asses and your neighbor's yard and move on with your lives. I have nothing and I mean literally nothing, but I have my family, my intelligence and my sense of fucking humor, which no matter what has been thrown at me or those I surround myself, never waivers. I have a handful of friends who I lean on when I need it and most of them are gone, swimming in a sea of self doubt and pity, never looking into the mirror and realizing everything is pretty fucking OK. I don't have the physical ability to relieve stress by sticking my leg behind my head, beating the fuck out of a heavy bag or doing burpees or whatever they are called. I can barely go for a mind clearing walk these days, so I find other ways. Then I go on Facebook and witness 600 people feeling sorry for themselves, their husbands, their grandmothers, their kids and then when something does go down, everyone passes it over as if it's nothing. Hell, if I see one more parent complain about their kid's homework, I'm calling the cops and having their kids removed. Just because you're too fucking stupid to help your grade school aged child with their homework, stop blaming common core. The core of the problem for all these people is very common and it's well known, it's called lack of intelligence. If your nine year old can struggle through it, you can grab their book, a glass of wine and learn it yourself, while they sleep. Need help, send them to me for a week and they'll be shooting numbers out faster than you could imagine. 

OK, I'm not even going to share this, because, oh fuck you, of course I'm going to share it. It's as childish as the stupid website. I posted about ten jokes today and one response, but Generic Facebook Fanny posts their feeling down and gets 23 likes and 79 comments, all from their Dr. Phil friends. It's 5am and I need a fucking Snickers or I need to come to my senses and limit my page to the 15-20 people I actually give a flying fuck about or if nothing else, make me smile and turn down all the requests for negativity. I laugh, because half these miserable fucks are the one's who are always telling everyone else about yoga, kale, crossfit and the wonders of sobriety or having a mental enema, which they call meditation. You can't meditate with your phone plugged in, sipping a Starbucks worried about your neighbor's addition or your kid's English teacher having a Spanish name. You also can't post 16 horseshit articles on Ebola or the child disease of the week. Some people are really suffering and those people have the fucking right. You don't. 

OK, so this is what I call therapy. You don't like it? You probably should have stopped after title. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Feeling Good

As I listen and read the comments from people and the in-depth look into their lives, I have to question everything they say. How can your family be so strong, but you are always so angry, upset or stressed. How can someone be so upset at everything around them and so comforted by their kids, spouse or loved ones?  My support system has always been small and even in the deepest depths of sadness and stress, it's those moments with them, if even just to hear their voice, that I gain strength and perseverance to move on. I've come to the sad realization that I am in a very small minority.

I'm in now way belittling anyone who is going through anything difficult, but it seems to me those problems wouldn't be nearly as catastrophic had they the support of even a single individual, who really had their backs. In many ways, this blog is just a continuation of what I write about so often, which is reality vs perception. We so desperately want people to see us as perfect, but also wounded. There is no way to do this on social media or even with words, because for us to truly care about your woes, we need to believe you need us. So many of us like this or that or comment with generic support, but we do so with the assumption you have true support elsewhere. What most of would be surprised to know, had we reached out to those people privately, is that they do not.

So why the subject line? I feel good. I have no reason to for any reason, but I do. I hurt physically, but emotionally, I feel OK and it's been a while since I can say, with clarity, that I truly do. I can't explain why, because the grey cloud if impending doom is widening and getting closer, yet I feel comforted by those I trust with my feelings. Those who aren't all right by my side, but those who I have helped me through this difficult transition that I find myself going through. It's nice to feel good when you shouldn't. It's because those who are my rock are always rock and with them, I feel stressed, but never enough to let the world get the idea that I am in any way that I am beaten. For those who are, almost daily, I feel for you and can only wish you had what I cherish.  Like I said, I'm feeling good. Hope all of you can feel this soon.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Conservative Media & It's Agenda Is Working

Originally posted as a Facebook status for my red majority friends. Now you see why people hate me. I don't exactly do Facebook properly. 
As promised....like anyone where I live(d) cares, they just swallow the red pill and they're done. Well, it appears the conservatives are getting wise. Every election, they request, report and pound us over the head with unrelenting information about polls. WHY? They know that if they report that a democratic candidate is winning, historically that means that liberals will not go out to vote. Thus making the election closer and in many cases, actually throwing the election to their side. It's hard to believe this, but that liberal media you keep hearing about is generally owned and operated by a conservative with conservative ads and conservative messages. It's only that when it's not, we hear about it.
So, it's been brought to the attention of anyone paying any, that no major polls have come out in two weeks. So I asked the obvious question....why? Well, here's the reason. The conservatives are actually winning 74% of the elections and they don't want anyone to know. They don't want any liberals voting, which has been their objective for six years now. As many know, the voting fraud theory has been debunked so badly, it has backfired on every conservative who has brought it up, so of course they are quiet about it now. What is happening? People paid to inspect voting machines in preparation for the elections two weeks from now have found numerous flaws in the machines. Especially in Texas. So why isn't this being reported by liberal media? Good question, but the answer is simple. The liberal media is owned and operated by lobbyists and they ain't donating to the left. Already enough shenanigans has been reported to call for some serious investigation, but there has been none. But why?
Well here's why in a nutshell. Isis! Ebola! Climate Change! Guns! Ferguson! All of these are important events that deserve our attention, but as a government, not as a people. The conservatives know this and they also know that liberals grab on to one thing and can't let go, but that thing is seldom a voting lever. They are banking on liberals assuming the rest of the country is appalled enough with congress to vote them all out, but they are mistaken. McConnell has been so brazen to say he is going to shut down the government permanently until Obama is out of office, should be become the majority leader. How many liberal media posts reported this? One! Comedy Central.
Here's the best of the best. Why does it seem like the primaries had such little flare, despite being one of the most important midterm elections in recent memory? It's quite simple actually. Republicans have changed their allegiance and have switched their party affiliation to independent. What does this do? It makes it so they aren't counted in the primaries and it lessens the appearance of the parties power. Even Bill O'Reilly, the poster child for conservatism, is an independent. That's how much of a joke it is.
I know 90% of the people I know don't care about who is running and will vote with their red compatriots, but the reality is, a vote for a conservative is a vote for government stagnation (most red sided friends will ignore that word, because they don't know it's definition), but it's true. We already have the worst congress ever, who has hurt this country more than any in it's short history and if the polls from two weeks ago stay true, Obama's hands will be completely tied for the remainder of his term. This is not good for American, for numerous reasons, but too difficult for most to understand. All of you who want smaller government, need to realize that what the GOP is doing is making a smaller number the biggest government we've ever had. Vote with your head, not with your heart or else we all lose.

The Five Most Life Altering Experiences

Someone had posted this on Facebook as somewhat of a challenge. To think of the five things that have happened that have altered your life. I commented before they had written, that this is interesting, but it has the potential to become five things that happened to other people that affected you. She wrote two versions. I'm actually going to try and write one, sticking to what has happened to me directly.

My being adopted. Nothing in my life had a larger and more positive affect on my life. Has everything gone the way I'd write it from the beginning? Of course not, but the life I was afforded is the life I know and I wouldn't change the upbringing and the love I've been shown in my life for anything.

Acceptance into St. Ann's. At the time, while living in Brooklyn, St. Ann's was legendary. Considered by most to be the best school in the five boroughs and by many to be the best school in the state. While I was too young to really understand the magnitude, I wasn't only accepted, but offered the opportunity to skip third grade. To go into the benefits, would come across as cocky and conceited, but the reality is, the 8th graders I left in the early 80's were smarter and better read than most of the seniors I left in the late 80's. It's not mean, it's a fact. I learned more in my five years there than I did even in college.

Tearing my ACL. At the time, I thought I had hurt myself badly, it would be fixed and I would recover and go about my life as I always had. No single moment would change my life more. Today, I can't enjoy sports, which was my true love. I can't run. I can't bend. I can, in all honesty, not sit, stand or walk without excruciating pain. I can't even put a sock on my right foot without nearly passing out. People think it's an exaggeration, but it's also limited what jobs I can apply for and that has hurt my life incredibly.

The Adoption Process. The adoption process completely broke my heart at 9 years old. My parents had adopted a baby girl and for 29 days I had a baby sister named Lora. That love was taken away when the biological parents changed their mind, which by law, was their right. As I sat holding her for the last time, I felt the single worst pain I had and would ever feel. To have someone taken away, not from sickness, age or any stroke of bad luck or bad behavior, but by no fault of my own. This story does have a silver lining, in that without that pain and suffering, I never would have been afforded the luck of having my brother adopted. For that, I can't be any more thankful. I hate fucking cliches, but sometimes bad things happen to good people for a reason and that reason isn't clear until the dust settles. The entire processed hardened me, but it prepared me for anything and everything life had to send my way.

My mother's cancer. To say this was a hardship would be laughable. I didn't suffer the sickness I witnessed. To for even once complain about what I went through would make me a selfish cunt. My mother, off an on for almost a decade, battled this disease and the strength she showed amazed me. Her death, a decade ago, was also not a life changing event in many ways, because I was prepared for it. Missing her every day, just reminds me what I knew already and that was just how special she was to everyone, not just me. So why was this event life altering? The responsibility, the trust and the appreciation that was cast upon me was overwhelming. Despite the weight being unbearable at times, it showed me that all our lives are important. I was in a dark point during one of the down moments for her and the feeling of being needed taught me so much. I grew up during that time and it showed me that it might not always be evident and appreciated with words, but the feeling that your life meant something immeasurable to another, is hard to describe.

People view me as a negative person, because I'm a realist, who calls a spade a spade. I don't mince words and I don't sugarcoat the bad shit. That being said, I try my hardest to take something from everything in life. I try to learn each and every day, to the point where it is, I believe, negatively affecting my life. I could have sat and written ten pages of negatives that have happened to me, my family and my loved ones. I could have taken negatives and looked for the same kind of sympathy every looks for day in and day out on social media, but that isn't me. I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because mine aren't only worn out, but I can walk no more. This isn't a cry for help, but in invitation to lean on these shoulders, because the number of people I have reached out to recently who have shown me their problems are only skin deep amazes me. Yet, I still offer. Over and over again. I know my place on this earth and I know what I have to offer. If no one takes me up on it, so be it, but I'm at peace with what I've endured and what the future holds and how I will handle it.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Most Simple Pleasure I Know

I was a little down in the dumps Tuesday night. I didn't sleep that well and woke up feeling the blahs. I had a pretty quiet, uneventful day and then watched some baseball. A great game and an outcome that pleased me. That being said, the weight of a few things were getting to me and that was going to be that. Nothing I could do. Then I had dinner.

A glass of wine, some spinach, fingerling potatoes and a delicious piece of lamb. It's funny how the tiniest thing can change your mood. For me, it's food or children. Nothing can get me out of a funk faster, but when it's food that does it, nothing works better than lamb. The more simple the preparation, the more lamb taste, the happier I am. I just wish the feeling it gave me lasted longer than the time until the next meal.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Quickie Review - Rigor Mortis

Rigor Mortis is not your typical horror movie by any means. It's comes off as comical at times and delights more in visuals than storytelling. The convoluted plot is both an homage to previous films, known as the Mr. Vampire series, which is rich in ancient ghost stories and a specific type of vampire. Where the film excels is in it's visuals. The dark, desolate building comes alive with creatures and visions, which keeps the viewer enticed enough to get past the lulls. The violence and scares are minimal, but the acting is solid enough to care about the character, but just don't care too much about the why or you'll be scratching your head for days.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Happy Monday

Yes, I know, most of you are on your way to work and cursing the thought of another Monday. If it makes you feel any better, just think about all the kids who are thrilled to death. Then think about the fact that at no point in their entire educational lives, whether it be from schoolteachers or parents, will they ever be taught about the atrocities committed by Columbus. Feel better?

Well, this was the oddest weekend I've spent in Ithaca. Friday night, I dined alone and watched baseball. Saturday, I spent the day in somewhat of a lull, watching more baseball, having a nice steak for dinner and then having the single worst sleep I've had since I've been here. I dozed twice during the day, but watched the first full football game and I'm pretty sure, football is the worst it's ever been. The playing, the coaching and the officiating is so poor that the product that is so beloved is tarnished in a way, it's criminal element could never have done. I will miss baseball.

So why am I writing Happy Monday? I don't know. I've actually been a little down in the dumps lately. I feel lost in world that doesn't even know I exist, while trying to stay connected to one that doesn't know I'm gone and another I'm trying to dismiss from my life. Oddly, it's falling into this pace all wrong. The people I value are ignoring me, the one's I crave their communication are gone and the ones I find cringe worthy seem to take up much of my time. I also feel loss and closure all together. This move has been like a death in some ways. I have already moved on and that alone scares me, but what really terrifies is how many have done so also. It makes me question my place here on earth and what difference I've made. The ones who so greatly touched my life and who I believe I returned the favor, are at a point in their lives where I would be lucky to have them remember me in five years.

If people knew or even cared to ask, they'd be shocked at the life I am living. Not so much in my mindset about things, because that has stayed the same, but in my actions or more precisely, inaction. That guy who was always there or always willing to be there is no longer and all but a handful haven't even noticed. I too haven't noticed, as I don't miss it. The money, the time, the dedication to people who within a few weeks, had all but forgotten. I cherish those who have sent a message or a call, but I've done this before. I was younger and I thought it would always be and it was not. I see it now, 30 years later and it brings all those memories back. The only difference is I'm not thrust into a situation where meeting others is a necessity. I cherish this quiet, but I know for my own sanity, it can not continue. I've started to look to move on, but I'm limited by so many embarrassing restraints. It seems so funny to read people's complaints, when I'd be happy just to lay my head down at night and wake six hours later. To me, that would make for a happy Monday. No matter what manufactured woes I can come up with. Happy Monday all.

Quickie Review - The Town That Dreaded Sundown

This 1976 slasher film is supposedly based on a true story about a killer that was never caught, so we kind of know going in how it will end. That shouldn't matter to most as it is very apparent this isn't going to be an award winner. The odd thing is it's mesmerizing. It's so simply shot and the dread that the townspeople feel isn't really overdone. The kids who are at the mercy of the attacker do exactly what kids would do...try and get lucky as opposed to being smart.

The movie stars nobody recognizable, other than to true movie buffs, but one, Dawn Wells. She ironically is the worst actor in the film. The main characters are actually pretty decent, in that they don't achieve to be anything more than normal folks. There are two or three scenes of humor that some might find silly, but I found fun. The big letdown are the attack scenes, with one ranking right up there with some of the most silly ever filmed.

If you're looking for a good movie, skip it, but if you are into the late 70's, early 80's schlock horror, without the gore, give it a try. The movie could literally be rated PG if not for one violent scene, but even that is more implied. I wanted to hate it, but found myself actually enjoying it. A remake is in the works and I can just imagine they will overdo the violence, but maybe, just maybe, it works.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Fee Writing - Take 58

Friend or Unfriend that is the question. Not mine. I have simple rules. Lie about me, insult me unnecessarily or out of malice or curse at my friends and you're gone. About ten have gone. People who have unfriended me, I'm a little less clear on. One couldn't handle being proven wrong all the time and when he made it personal, I called him on his hypocritical ways and that was it. Another blocked me, well, I know the truth, but we'll take the higher road. The last two I'm at a loss. One, eh, sorta understand, but think the person is being very childish. The other comes as a shock and not sure it's not a mistake, but not really in the mood lately to discuss why or why not we're all friends in life, If things were different right now and if I had more outlets for social activity, the site would be a thing of the past. As it is, despite posts, I spend very little time reading things. I try to read certain people's post, because I am concerned about their lives, but the daily cries for help by 20-30 people have made me realize just how pathetic people are. With so much sorrow in this world, to feel the need to ask for attention when it's not really needed, seems so selfish. I wish people could, temporarily know what it's like to suffer. Physical, mental, emotional pain, so they would spend hours polluting the world with tales of the horrid boss, the traffic jam or the underpaid overworked barista who offended them. I wish there were less cat eulogies and more care for those human that surround us that are alive, even if barely. I wish there were less Happy 16th Birthday in Heavens and more spoke to a homeless man and learned a lot about life. I wish there was less Carlton and more Malala. Today was the worst day ever on Facebook. One of the greatest stories of the year took place and one person posted about it. Me! Then someone else later in the day, but she's a great person in her own right. Someone I wish I knew more in HS. But we all make mistakes when we're young. We're not all young though.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Things I Miss & Don't

I miss the rainy days under blankets, but not the different schedules
I miss the late night meals, but not the late night arguments
I miss the sound of someone else breathing, but not of the snores
I miss the calls to say goodnight, but not the hangups
I miss the dinners for two, but not the meeting "friends"
I miss the intimate talks, but not the second hand gossip
I miss the mutual emotions, but not when they're the best friend's
I miss the feeling of being needed, but not when I was the one in need
I miss the feeling of being wanted, but not to do chores
I miss the feeling of family, but not always theirs
I miss the fantasy about the future, but not the reality of it's bleakness
I miss the companionship, but not the tax it took on my solitude
I miss the warmth, but not the cold when I needed it
I miss the simplicity of happiness, but not the complexity of what you wanted it to become
I miss everything about it, but not the who
I miss being alone, but knowing it ends

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Weird Dreams

It's been three months since I arrived in Ithaca and in the first two months, I barely remembered a single dream. Since then, I've had some very vivid dreams about different people and oddly enough, they haven't been the people that have been the most important in my life over the past few years. I also haven't dreamed about anyone who has given me grief over the last few months and sadly, even with my absence physically, they have far outweighed the others. I also haven't had any involving the people that I normally dream about, which leads me to believe a good part of me has let them go, for better or for worse.

My dreams have been rather subdued, despite being weird. I think the weirdness comes from how ordinary they have been and knowing I'm someone who usually has dreams that make The Cell look like staring at a blank wall. I've also found that these aren't people I normally even think about during the waking hours, which makes their inclusion all the more odd. I think the strangest part is that they are all female, but in no way have the dreams been sexual. In fact, they've almost been sisterly in appearance, while not people I have ever thought that way about. With the exception of one person, they haven't been people I've ever been in a romantic situation or possible situation with. Meaning, these aren't people I've ever had any chemistry with, other than friendship.

I try an analyze my dreams normally, but I've kind of let these go. I find when I'm not sleeping, I have too many things bothering me lately to worry about what my subconscious is telling me. Maybe I should listen, but I don't have the energy. I think the most interesting thing is that I've woken twice and thought of people, not necessarily in my dreams and something about them popped up during the day. One was a happy memory and one was a sad one. In many ways, I need them though, because it made sense of why I awoke to them in my mind.

Well, as usual, it's 5am and I'm just going to sleep. Hopefully some more interesting dreams are ahead and maybe some closure and new beginnings are hinted. We'll see.

Bon Nuit!

Monday, October 6, 2014

Quick Thoughts Which Might Be Expanded Soon

I will probably expand on some of these in the near future, but it's been a rough week mentally and can't seem to concentrate on anything other than baseball. Sad, hmm?

It's amazing how much you see people for who they are from afar. I'm not singling anyone out, but I mean see people in general. I think back to my years of working summers away from home and even then I'd get a letter, a call, etc. Nowadays everyone is so concerned with themselves, other's lives are completely unimportant. I guess in my attempt to wait some people out, I'm no better.

Seeing things only through the lines of Facebook, I bet I could predict with razor sharp accuracy, the next break up, divorce, adulterous indiscretion (or at least the attempt), friend split, sickness, nervous breakdown or worse. I used to reach out to people, but I'm starting to see through the lines and now only do so for those I truly fear for.

I'm wondering when a law will be made about posting about your children. I don't mean a picture of them, I mean about them. About their woes at school, their relationships, their struggles, etc. It's a form of child abuse and bullying. Sure, you don't think so, because you're not yelling or hitting them, but you, as a parent or guardian or even just a friend, have no legal right to out their problems. It should and may very well be a crime. Imagine if your adolescence had been broadcast? I don't think I'd like the world to know about my porn collection or my bed wetting. My suspensions or my fights. I don't even think I'd like the world to know about my great test scores or my minor achievements. Those were for the refrigerator and the dinner table and even know, with all our technology, it's where they should stay.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Seriously People

What the hell is wrong with people lately. Nobody gives a flying fuck what anyone has to say, about their opinions, their thoughts, their hopes, dreams, passions. They just wait in the wings to say what they need to say and then walk away, if you are lucky. If not, they stay to stick you with verbal pins and needles. Hoping to burst some bubble they think you have. Then, should you have the gall to stand up for yourself, they spew vitriol and claim untruths as their holy grail.

I'm done with it. I'm done with it in person. I'm done with it via social media. I'm done with it in any form people choose to pursue it. I have bigger fish to fry. I have real problems. I don't need so-called friend adding to my woes. I don't need faceless clowns and jokers feeling that my life is worth belittling for their amusement, when they themselves look so sad and so alone. I usually reach out for those people, but I'm tired of it. Tired of being some sort of emotional gauze, then have them turn. Then there are the cowards who don't even know me well, but feel comfortable addressing me in any way they see fit.

I loathe cliches, but I sometimes wonder what it would be like, to reach down, remove my shoes and offer them to all those who think they know me. The reality is, the cliche wouldn't work, because I doubt their tiny feet would even fit.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Humanoids From The Deep - Remembering My Youth

Last night, bored and in need of a movie that was less than 90 minutes, I chose this one from Netflix. I picked it, because it was a Roger Corman film, Vic Morrow was in it and how do you possibly ignore a title like this. So what did I expect? A run of the mill, poorly acted, poor makeup and maybe some homely looking girls and boys getting it on. What did I get? A trip back to the 80's.

The film has the most ridiculous premise, but somehow actually works for about 80% of it. There is the usual 80's attempt to add social commentary into the mix, this time Native Americans being run out of their territory, mixed with an absolutely implausible plot. There were some familiar faces, most recognizable being Vic Morrow, who just has a face you want to hate. Where the movie really took me back was the excessive, if fake looking gore. In out current attempts to make things realistic, we sometimes forget how great it was to see someone getting their face chewed off. Then of course their were the very odd "rape" scenes. The sea monsters needed to replicate, so who were their choices? Oh pretty much anyone who was near the beach, which in this movie, happened to be pretty incredible bodied women. I also had forgot what it was like to watch a movie from the 80's that was chock full of playboy models with perfect bodies, no plastic and what the hell is up with that manicured hair? Seems like so long ago that was the thing.

Anyway, the movie is below average in every sense and that's what makes it great. The creatures are scary enough if you were about eight years old, but that is really irrelevant. It's the idea that you're not safe and in the late 70's and early 80's that just worked. Corman was the master of schlock and  it holds up. Why? Because we all love violence we know isn't real, silly acting with sillier decisions and for us guys who grew up then (and now), we love nudity. Sure they threw in that one really hot woman who stays dressed, because she's a serious actress, but you've seen her again and she never really blew up into a big star.

This movie is also special in that it has one of the oddest scenes you will ever see in a movie. A normal guy, who uses a puppet and ventriloquism to get a girl who is drop dead gorgeous, with the most ridiculous body ever, to get naked and have sex with him. Unfortunately, the sea monster attacks them before he can do the deed and the woman runs away, fully nude while the sound of a cat screeching is used for some odd reason. Truly hilarious, titillating and confusing all at the same time. For this scene alone it's worth the view. A must for anyone who was a teen in this era.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Quickie Review - Torment

Katharine Isabelle! Should I stop right there. Here's the thing. It's really a combination of two movies. One is The Strangers, which aside from the final scene, is absolutely dreadful and it's also similar to You're Next, which is one of the best horror films of the past five years, maybe more. Hell, maybe top 20 ever.

Aside from the kid, it's actually not poorly acted. The problem is the killers and the reasoning for the killing. Which, in most cases in real life, has no reason, so why do we need one. The reasoning in this one is shady at best. There are some unanswered questions, but the reality is we don't care. True B-movie fans will be upset that there is no nudity and very little actual gore. In this, the movie is barely a slasher film. Like so many recent horror movie, it's not terrible, but they missed so many opportunities.

Free Writing - Take 57

This blog. Over 900 entries and read by probably 100 people ever. Some more popular than others. Some from friends. Some by family. Some from strangers, kind enough to comment. So many of these posts have been for me. Some have been in the hopes that someone might gain something from them and even fewer were for the hopes someone out there might notice and even engage in a discussion. Even my one unknown "fan" seems to have disappeared. And yet, here I am, alone with this silly site at 3:30 in the morning, bored. Hoping someone will answer, but I know better. The world filled with so many sleepless nights, yet none of the darkness' friends reach out. Oddly enough, in a world where their lies, deceit and online infidelity can be hidden, they slumber away. Only to wake, crying of their insomnia and laying out all, between paper thin lines, that only the dim the surround themselves with can't see.