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Showing posts from January, 2019

The Kids Must Win

People are angry. Whether it be their personal lives, the world around them, or manifestations they've created, people are angry. Their anger is contagious for those who lack empathy and compassion, but it's exhausting and debilitating for those who do. At home, it can lead to anxiety, not for those holding the anger, but those who must live with it. In the workplace, it creates a malaise, Those angry about outside issues, bring their anger in and it demands attention. Attention that isn't always possible to give. When the anger comes from the job itself, the weak feed off of it, finding fault in others when the reality is it is coming from within. I've been angry at work and realized there is only one option when feeling contempt or unrest. I've felt it in relationships, and perspective has taught me, that in both, much of the blame lay on myself. I love my job, because I work with kids. I do not love those I share the responsibility and accountability with. I do …

Out of Touch

No, this is not a continuation of my thoughts and feelings about figures of speech. I mean this quite literally about how the lack of feelings creates many thoughts. The inability to feel and be felt can lead to feelings of insecurity and loneliness.

Most of those my age have spouses and children. They take physical touch for granted. Those of the younger generation give hugs to each other the way many used to shake hands or high-fives. Physical touch, especially an embrace, sets of all kinds of physical, biological, and psychological responses. It may even be a physiological need. It's something that babies need and as we get older, it seems to face. Especially those of us who live alone. Many will joke about older people and their relationships with their animals, but dogs, cats, and other animals provide many of us the joys we desire, without disrupting the lives of others. It is essential to who we are, not as individuals, but as human beings. Even the worst people show great …

Figures of Speech

A few weeks ago, I used the figure of speech "raises a lot of red flags." It was greeted with odd looks, one of disgust and the other of agitation. Possibly, both responses were the same, just coming from different expressions, but there was no verbal acceptance or rejection made. I assumed, as I would assume with anyone, this was fully understood, but then it dawned on me that metaphors, even the most common figures of speech, may be lost on many. Working with kids has made me very aware that most less-equipped or formed minds take speech, even with physical cues firmly attached, quite literally. It's something I know I have to control with kids, as not to offend, or lose them, but with adults, I give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to general conversation. As I'm finding out, there are many more external factors to take into consideration, when assuming and, of course, there's even a figure of speech of assuming.

General knowledge, education, and cogniti…

Mental Health Day?

Over the past few years, I've prided myself on being both punctual and when it comes to work, being there. While my current job is only part-time, in general, I am the first one to arrive and the last one to leave and, as of this moment, I've not missed a single day of work. In fact, I've missed less than three hours in total, and much of it was due to my feline bud, Swag, disappearing before I had to leave. Only once have I left, an hour early, for health reasons. As I said, I pride myself on this, despite living in a society where this much absenteeism is the norm for most within any given week, and yet, they keep their jobs, even get rewarded for their attendance. It's baffling.

Much of my adult life has been spent working hourly pay jobs and my salary is dependent on my being there. Through taking care of my mother during her illness, to dealing with personal heartache to being someone else's rock, I've been at work, day in and day out, knowing a missed shi…

Recent Observations

Recently, I've been asked to describe myself, in terms of how I live my life. Mind you, this is not people asking for some philosophical belief system, simply asking what one can expect of me. My go-to phrase has been, "Clean, not neat." It is one of the few things I am sure of and, after observing others, I can say with full confidence, more so than most. I can count the times I've not showered over the last two years on one hand, with fingers to spare. I am borderline obsessive about cleaning my bedding and towels, doing each, every three to four days, including my comforter. I do regular laundry every four, maybe five days. Sometimes more, if I feel it's necessary. I clean other things that are not my responsibility, such as hand, kitchen, and sponge towels, every three days, and as it has almost become my calling, and a joke, I clean other people's dishes every single day without fail. As I've stated before, dirty dishes, left in the sink, is the pet …

Happy Birthday Mom!

I use social media for various reasons and in much of the normal ways. The one thing I try not to do is to memorialize those who have passed, with cliched lines like "15th Year In Heaven." Death is a fact of life, and while I am in no position to tell someone how to hold onto their memories and show their gratitude, I do think many trivialize the loss of others by making it more about themselves, likes, and comments. For me, a simple photo without words is the best way I can do it. The irony for me is, my mother would most likely have been the most transparent Facebook user ever, with her entire life out in the open, and an Instagram account that would have looked like a 3-star Michelin restaurant. Then again, she may have shocked me, as she often did. I wish I had the chance to know.

Yesterday was her birthday. She's have been 77. Sounds old, but when I think about the fact that she passed 15 years ago, it reminds me of how young she was, and how young she was when canc…

Being Tired

Those who know me well, know that during my mother's illness, I developed a serious case of insomnia, which carried on for more than a decade after her death. Towards the end of her life, she had a bell, which she would ring, should she be resting alone and didn't have the energy to get up, or even call out. I heard this bell many times, long after she passed. Despite getting between three and four hours of sleep, per night, for approximately 17 years, I was, unnaturally, never tired. I don't know if there was a moment I let go of whatever was holding me back from my nocturnal peace, but there came a time where those three to four, became five to six, sometimes approaching seven, without the aid of alcohol or some calming force other than nature's normal reaction to a day. Now, my insomnia is sporadic, but there's been a drastic change to my waking hours; exhaustion.

Lately, I am always tired. Not sleepy tired, but physically and emotionally drained. I do realize t…

If It's True, God's Laughing!

I hate plans and try never to plan so much as to commit before the actual moment an event is about to take place. This probably explains why I'm single, working part-time, and don't have my own home. My inability to commit to the future is a hindrance, but it's also a desperate attempt at self-preservation aka keeping my options open. The irony of course, I'm rarely where I want to be, with whom I want to be, and any situation that gives me great joy.

So what did I do? I planned. And every reason I have for never planning was realized.

What do people do when they are faced with a crisis? Post about on social media of course. Knowing what I know, being who I am, and needing to fulfill my daily quota of sarcasm and irony, I included plan B in my post. A little personal pot shot at myself, being that my life is nothing but a series of plan Bs and every letter that follows.

As I always, I will pay homage to Gloria Gaynor.

A Strange Night

Awake, despite complete exhaustion. Cold, despite being covered. Shaken, despite being completely safe. Scattered, despite thinking of one topic. Forgetful,. despite the familiarity of my surroundings. Alone, despite being surrounded by others. Lethargic, despite the ease of the tasks. Giving, despite needing desperately to receive. Selling to buy, when I feel as if I should be buying to sell. Compassionate, when I need to be steadfast.
Faithful, when I need to be selfish. Awake, when sleep is needed more than anything in this world.
Handling stress now is not like it used to be. The stress is different and the ramifications are magnified. I used to covet stress and feed off of it. Now it feeds on me. Even the kids could not distract my thoughts. Today I must breathe and placate my mind. I feel as if I have no options, but I have two,  And neither is as serious as fight or flight. I always used to fight, except when it was warranted to fly. Have I learned or am I mixing the two up?
I …


Metamorphosis is a strong word. I do not believe I am a butterfly but I do believe in the butterfly effect. I do not believe change for the sake of change is a good thing. Experience has taught me that difficult lesson, repeatedly. So often we fear big changes, because we know we must give up comfort and familiarity, worse yet, we must face the unknown. We humans are a frightened bunch. We accept being content and call it happiness. We embrace routine and allow the mundane to become our lives. We hoard things and believe that this altered view is reality, but ignore what is right outside the window. The world is vast. Even our tiny bubbles have places we've not explored. Left turn or right? Our lives are seldom the final lines of a Robert Frost poem, as most of us, choose the safe, familiar, and well-traveled road!

Quit Your Job!

If you're miserable when you wake in the morning, when you leave for work, when you get to work, at work, when you come home, then the only enjoyment you get is some distraction such as television or junk food, even going to bed dreading the next day, quit your job.

If weekends, vacations, and sick days resemble being released from prison, or at least as you envision it, quit your job. If you find yourself getting so sick you need to stay home more than three or four days a year, quit your job. If you manipulate your schedule to work fewer days, quit your job. If you constantly schedule non-work appointments during work hours, quit your job. If you don't have many friends because you're simply content not being at work, quit your job. If your life outside of work is spent dwelling on work, quit your job.

"I need the money."

You have money. You're working. There's no better time to find a job than when you have a job you are unhappy with. This is a fact. E…

My Personality: From My Point Of View

We spend much of our time in judging, either out of reverence, disgust, or possibly measuring ourselves to others, either to improve ourselves or feel good about ourselves. I've written before about how little most of s know ourselves. How our perceptions, much due to social media, are a combination of who we are and who we think we are, much of which we've created in our heads as the ideal for who we want others to believe we are. This new technology, much like the theory people used to dream in black and white before television, has created a third realm of our persona, one that is almost completely false, despite some believing it fully. So here i go trying to break down who I really am. Feel free to eye toll or comment. Criticism is accepted, as long as it's constructive. I do feel that's a trait I possess, although I've put it on the shelf as of late.

Here are my views on the core personality traits.

I am an extrovert despite spending most of my awake time alo…

Movies of 2018

Across the River - More interesting in how it looks than in the content. Meh!Kong Skull Island - Silly, poorly acted and a set up for sequels. John C Reilly almost saves it.La Jetee (Re-watched) - Chris Marker's short is one of, if not the greatest Sci-fi film ever made.The Earrings of Madame De ... - One of the most perfectly shot films. Fun, simple and brilliant.A Ghost Story - Great idea, but comes off as a youthful, amateurish attempt to be profound.47 Meters Down - May have taken the title of worst movie ever made.Der Samurai - Bizarre film about sword-wielding nut. An odd take on a werewolf film!Dunkirk - A rare short war film. Without a doubt Christopher Nolan's best film. Sawdust and Tinsel - A rare Bergman film that is simply good. Bibi shines!Our Friend, Martin - Animated. MLK, time travel and changing times. Doesn't always work.Dig Two Graves - Looks great and the lead gives it her all, but the film lacks depth.Russian Ark - Sokurov's incredible 90-minute, s…