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Being Tired

Those who know me well, know that during my mother's illness, I developed a serious case of insomnia, which carried on for more than a decade after her death. Towards the end of her life, she had a bell, which she would ring, should she be resting alone and didn't have the energy to get up, or even call out. I heard this bell many times, long after she passed. Despite getting between three and four hours of sleep, per night, for approximately 17 years, I was, unnaturally, never tired. I don't know if there was a moment I let go of whatever was holding me back from my nocturnal peace, but there came a time where those three to four, became five to six, sometimes approaching seven, without the aid of alcohol or some calming force other than nature's normal reaction to a day. Now, my insomnia is sporadic, but there's been a drastic change to my waking hours; exhaustion.

Lately, I am always tired. Not sleepy tired, but physically and emotionally drained. I do realize the cause of some of my mental stress, but it's not as if I didn't always have some sort of stress pulling me up when I wanted nothing more than the comfort of a blanket and pillow. I realize I hold onto angst, anger, and anxiety much longer than I once did, but why then is sleep easier? Why does it affect my daytime life more than ever? Feeling unappreciated isn't a cross to bear, it's a fact of life for people like me. I've been unappreciated my entire life and due to this, I've never lived up to expectation; mine or others. Then there are the financial and physical woes which have plagued me since my mid-20's. Ho-hum, I know. There's the loneliness of being single at my age, but one would think not having the burden of having to be there for others on a daily basis would free me up from the internal rigors of having a family. It has not. So why am I tired?

One could point to my age, but at work, I have more energy than those half, even one-third my age. Of course, there is no amount of energy to compete with that of a child. That I learned not to battle long ago. I'd like to believe it's aided my longevity. Why then do I go through life feeling as if I'm dragging a tire or hooked on some invisible lining, constantly tugging at me, inside and out? It's getting harder to smile and at times, I find myself closing my eyes, not to sleep, but to hide from whatever it is that seems to be pulling at me. Even my social life has been plagued by this odd fatigue but in reverse. It is when I start to enjoy myself, at times enhanced by alcohol, that the exhaustion becomes overwhelming and I must sleep. It is then, my body kicks into some sort of self-prevention mode of slumber, almost as if I'm woven into a cocoon, impenetrable to light or sound. I awake, feeling more exhausted than before I slept. I do not understand this at all.

I do not mean this to read as a complaint. Two-plus years ago, I was trying to combat this fatigue in a motel room, with the sounds of lives spiraling out of control surrounding me, while I tried to control my own spiral silently. I am in a better place than I was two years ago, and that place is better than where I was four, maybe five, or even six years ago. I think that may be it. trying to find that time and place, when I wasn't tired. I think back but then I remember, I was awake, but not happy. When was I last happy? Happy and awake? Is that the secret? Is finding happiness supposed to be this enervating? Or is my weakness keeping me from it?

Will happiness rejuvenate me? I don't know, but I'd like to find out. I am seeking little changes now and still fear those major leaps, of faith, or whatever that thing is that changes one's outlook on life. I know my last two major changes have been both positive and negative, but the one before changed my life for good. I stray at times, but never due to weakness. It tugs at my morality, but at times we do owe ourselves a break. I just wish one would come without me giving it to myself. Is that happiness? Will this wake me from this persistent state? I don't know. Not knowing is tiring, but the energy finding the answer may be too much. I will continue to search, both internally and externally. Isn't that what this is all about anyway?


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