Monday, October 25, 2010

Stupid Ideas and Inventions

There have been many a great invention over the years.  There is the wheel, the Frisbee, and of course Gold Bond medicated powder (if you don't know you better axe somebody).  Recently, I've noticed that some inventions aren't that brilliant.  Some are downright silly.  These are a few of the items we would all be better without.

Sunday Night Football - Going to work on Monday sucks enough as it is, but thank you NFL, you've given us three and a half more hours to drink, when we've already been out for seven hours.  Couldn't you have just been a little kind and started the game at 7pm?  No, I have to wait an hour and watch Andy Rooney for a fucking hour.  Thanks a lot. 

TV Remotes - I'm as lazy as they come.  I'll drive two blocks to go somewhere, using the excuse that I may go somewhere else later.  It's pathetic, but I'm not so bad that I can't stand up and walk three feet to change a fucking channel.  I have watched as people look frantically for ten minutes for their remotes, instead of manually changing the channel.  It's pathetic. I know, there are 700 channels.  Who cares?  Get up off the couch and change the damn channel.

Throw pillows - other than their completely awesome aesthetic beauty, what point do these serve.  If anything they only make the actual sitting aspect of your couch an uncomfortable journey that combines the fun past times of squirming and awkwardly reaching behind your back. I know, but they're so cute and they bring the room together. 

Scratching Pads for Cats - You could litter your home with these things and I'm pretty sure your cat is still going after the chair.  I have seen these in so many homes and I've never once seen a cat scratch them. People are well aware of this when they buy them, so why do they buy them.  The reason - people are really fucking stupid.

Flavored Chap Stick - your lips get dried out and licking them makes them worse.  Hmmm, let's make them in delicious flavors.  This way, people will be more inclined to lick them.  Assholes!  Why don't you just make them out of razor blades so my lips can look more torn up. 

Bing - Let's spend millions on marketing and come out with a web search database that sucks.  Why the hell would anyone try to make a better Google?  Someone should be taken out back and beaten for this one.

Those Shoes With Wheels In Them - So little Joey wants to be a figure skater, but has the balance of a whino on Saturday night.  Let's get him sneakers with wheels in them?  Listen roller skates were popular in the 70's because people did a lot of drugs.  Then in-line skates became all the rage, until the rate of broken ankles quadrupled.  So these things came out.  Mom and Dad wanted their precious youngster to have them, not once thinking that just maybe the kid's school doesn't want Nancy Kerrigan skating down the hallway.  This is why parents today are dumber than their kids.

Athletic Balls With The Spots For Where To Put Your Fingers - if you're kid is too stupid to figure out how to hold something to throw it, they probably won't be playing sports anyway.  Buy them a helmet instead, and then beat them silly.  It'll get them ready for junior high.

Nylon Shoe Laces - work with kids?  You know what I'm talking about.  I'd say we should string up the inventor with them, but we all know the noose wouldn't stay tied.

Wireless Mouse - because that cord was such a burden.

One Pound Dumbbells - who are these for?  Is there ever a time where you need these?  Is your toddler trying to bulk up? 

The Phrase "Community College" - as someone who has gone to a community college and a regular college, I can't tell you that one feels like a community and one does not.  You figure it out.

and finally

Jog Bras - Thanks for ruining my view, you Lycra selling bastard.

Friday, October 22, 2010

People Are Strange

I don't know if it's the ozone, dietary habits or the incredible ease in obtaining prescription medication, but it seems to me that people are getting stranger and stranger.  Now this isn't to say we didn't have our share of nut jobs back in the day, but the prevalence is increasing at an alarming rate. 

While growing up in Brooklyn, my parents had a tenant who took them to court, accusing them of stomping their feet in the middle of the night and waking him up.  He also said we had made rude remarks to him and were horrible landlords.  So he had his day in court.  Everything sounded like a valid complaint until he said that my brother (who was two at the time) would call him a "crazy homo" and that my parents used to pour hot wax through the cracks in the floor to burn him.  Case dismissed!  That was nearly 25 years ago and now that story almost seems tame.

Maybe I'm just more perceptive than I was in my youth, but the number of people who talk to themselves is growing by the day.  I'm not talking about those people who have the little bluetooth (by the way, why is it called a bluetooth and not a blueear?) headset. I'm talking about people who mutter to themselves usually in an angry fashion.  These people trouble me, because they are an answer back from pulling a Columbine at Stop & Shop.  The other night I sat next to someone who was talking to themself during the majority of the Yankees game.  Now I'm a die hard baseball fan, but when I start having conversations with nobody about the strategic ineptitude of Joe Gerardi, it's time for some couch time with Dr. Phil.

Another thing that bothers me is people's belief that they did something they didn't.  I know the power of suggestion is great, but how does one go about tricking themself into believing a lie that they told.  Read that sentence again, because just typing it confused the shit out of me.  A guy recently told me, "I don't lie, because I'd never remember the lie. I'd rather just be an asshole that told the truth, whatever the consequences."  Kind of makes sense, doesn't it?  Listen, we've all told white lies to get out of a situation, but I can't remember ever telling a lie, just to tell a lie.  We all have that friend who brags about having threesomes every Tuesday with supermodels and maybe, the wonder, that is Internet porn makes his fantasy a little clearer. Hey buddy, a mouse click and a vivid imagination doesn't make you a stud.  It makes you a liar and borderline crazy.

One thing I've also noticed and love with a passion, is road rage.  Listen, you get cut off, you're annoyed.  You might even throw out a "motherfucker."  But if you feel the need to chase down the car, pull up to the side and lambaste the other driver, you might need a hug (or a straight jacket).  Most people can't drive very well.  Once you accept that, you'll be fine.  The other day, I watched, as three people tried to pull out of adjoining parking spots at the same time.  It was comedy at the highest level.  Finally it happened, one woman bumped the other's car.  Instead of pulling back into the spots to discuss the dilemma, they stopped in the middle of the street. I thought this was hilarious and it only got better when a cop came to yell at them and tell them to move, when the woman who caused the distress had her car stall.  I was behind this and while everyone else was honking and yelling, I was smiling and had only wished I had some hot buttered popcorn.  It dawned at me while leaving the bank that this wasn't due to negligence, but sheer insanity.  Why if you saw the person next to you pulling out would you not wait? 

There are another couple of things that concern me.  Why would you walk into a deli and not have some inkling of what you want?  And when they ask you what you would like on the sandwich, please understand that the whole condiment/lettuce & tomato idea isn't a new revelation.  Why would you stand at a street corner with you on the sidewalk with your baby in a stroller, in the street?  Can any good come of this?  If you're in a restaurant and the order comes with fries, try to accept that a baked potato or a small salad might be a viable option, but one of the appetizers is not.  This is not up for debate.  Also, parents, if you're taking your kid out to get chicken nuggets, don't go to a restaurant that serves chicken fingers and think your sulen offspring won't know they aren't the same.  There is real chicken in those and they aren't used to it, because apparently you are to Julia Child what Stevie Wonder is to darts. 

Oh and here is a little work complaint.  I work for a business that performs a service. If you call us or any other company you wish to come to your disheveled dwelling, there are certain rules to follow.  If you tell me the problem and ask if we can come at 3pm and I say yes, this should not be the exchange. 
Me: Sure where do you live?
Customer: Scarsdale
Me: OK, where in Scarsdale?
Customer: Do you know where the Temple on Weaver Street is?
Me (sighing with displeasure): Yes, but what is the address? 
Customer: It's the yellow house, 3rd, sorry, 4th house on the left.
Me:  What is the street number and the name of the street?
Customer: Oh, it's *****
Me:  OK, what's your phone number?
Customer: Do you want my home number or the cell? I might not be home.
Me: Will you be home when we arrive?
Customer:  I should.  Let me give you both.
This is about the point where I've got the telephone cord wrapped around my neck, draped over a beam, ready to jump off the chair.  Sadly, this silly exchange takes place almost daily.  Thankfully, I have a sense of humor, because if I didn't, I'd probably end up going to the person's house and pulling a Charles Bronson on them.

So what is it?  When did society become a group of loony characters?  Is it because about twenty years ago half the kids in elementary school were on Ritalin in an attempt to make them zombie like dolls who didn't need much parenting?  I can't blame it all on that, because older people are just as crazy as the kids 20-30, but there is a word for that. Senility.  I know people I went to HS who are absolutely out of their minds.  I call them friends, some call them a Sling Blade.  Is it the overuse of drugs?  I know more pot heads, teeth grinding coke addicts and Valium induced sleep walkers now than I ever did as a crazy adolescent.  So what is it? 

Here's my theory.  You take schools being easier, you take off all educational TV shows and replace them with "reality" and your idea of parenting is nuggets and Jerry Springer, so you raise idiots.  These idiots don't understand basic concepts.  Thus they are forced to try and figure out all of life's complexities, like making change, ordering meals and driving all by themselves.  Due to the fact they don't process thoughts like us normal people, they are forced to talk to themselves.  Because they spend so much time in self-conversation they become social lepers.  Their families disown them and they turn to drugs to bring themselves out of despair.  Their only contact with the outside world is to either call me to schedule appointments or sit next to me at the bar.  Sometimes I don't mind, because I tell myself "If I was talking to this person it would be boring, but this person has multiple personalities, so it's a party.  The more the merrier."  I just worry that one day I'll be sitting alone in my apartment, thinking I'm at a New Year's Eve party in mid August, chatting with all my "friends."  Then someone can write about me.  Their crazy friend.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Some Random Thoughts and Baseball comments

The great thing about a blog is that your thoughts are documented.  That is unless you're wrong.  Well at the beginning of the season I picked the Texas Rangers to come in last in their division.  I also only picked four of the eight playoff teams correctly.  That's the worst I've done in about 15 years.  I did however pick the Phillies and Yankees to play in the World Series again....but it looks, as of now, as I might be wrong.  I should get Kudos for having the Giants in the playoffs though.  Not many "experts" did.  I should say that I also predicted Texas/Philly in the World Series back in June.

So what else is going on in my head?  Here are a few things.

I have decided that I don't like cold cuts anymore.  Unless it's salami pr proscuitto, I'm not interested.  In the past few years it's dawned on me that cold cuts (especially Boar's Head) are as bland as a Michael Bolton CD.  Cold cuts has joined pasta on my "why the hell did I used to eat this so much list.

Vodka and club soda has surpassed water as my most common drink.  This will lead to lasting repercussions for which universal health care might come in handy.  Thank you Obama.

I am a horrible son and grandson.  I haven't spoken to my father or grandmother in three weeks.  The call is coming tonight.  I hope they don't yell.  I also haven't spoken to my brother in the same amount of time.  I've been busy, it's the playoffs, football season and I have two jobs.

When people are waked, the family usually puts up pictures which span the years of their lives.  All you two finger-waving, duck-faced facebookers should take some regular pictures, so you're wake doesn't look like outtakes of the Jersey Shore.

Sometimes I go to bed wearing a t-shirt and boxers and wake up naked.  I'm sorry if any of you were eating, just seeing if anyone reads this.

My phone has 3G which would be great if it worked at work, my apartment and in bars. which leads me to my next thought.

What the fuck did we do before Google?

You can never date someone from the bank you go to....unless you're rich.

Halloween is on a Sunday this year.  While I don't like the holiday, it does ensure lots of females dressed as sluts for next weekend.  May I suggest the school girl outfit with the librarian glasses?  Please?

The single greatest Halloween costume I have ever seen was a guy wearing a Superman outfit in a wheelchair.  Yes, I know, my tickets is punched for hell.  I think that was confirmed when I couldn't stop laughing when the real Superman, Christopher Reeves "dropped the puck" at a Rangers game.

I wonder if there has ever been a study of how many car accidents are caused by girls walking down the street in tight jeans. 

Two of my friends were getting all hot and bothered last night looking of a picture of Jon Bon Jovi circa 1990.  Isn't he like 50 now?

Sometimes people say "this is no laughing matter."  Usually when they say that, I am laughing.

You know what's more fun than making fun of someone who can't take a joke?  Pretty much nothing.  Unless of course they go to hit you and slip on a banana peel.

Does anyone know why school buses are that ugly shade of yellow?

We have a race for governor of NY going on that features an anti-Semite who has been arrested for climbing a bridge with a knife in his hand (who uttered the greatest debate speech ever), a homophobic slug who once rented a bar that was a gay night club, an ex-madam (trying to replace a guy who got in trouble for banging hookers), and Andrew Cuomo.  Gee, I wonder who is going to win?

The other day I couldn't sleep.  So I started to count sheep.  When you've been single for a while, this isn't a good idea.  Just saying.

Well that's all for now, lunch is over and it's back to work.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Fantasy Football's Greatest Exchange

Anyone who plays fantasy football knows there is a message board.  In the past 12 hours, my last opponent responded to my smack talk and then I offered somewhat of a rebuttal. Not really, it was more of a concession speech.  We've had some good exchanges, but this tops them all. 

Last night my victorious adversary came out with this gem:

Hopper, Hopper, Hopper...my DEAR Hopper! You know, as I get older, sometimes I am forced to realize that I'm never going to fulfill all the dreams of my youth...I'm never gonna play pro football or roam center field for the Yanks, I'm never gonna be super rich or famous. Nah, I'll just struggle along and hope for the best like everybody else. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis thing, I don't know. But this realization can be tough. It first struck me a couple of years ago, and I have to say, it was hard. I was a little down, maybe even depressed.....then Zak talked me into joining a new rotisserie league that was being run by Jay, who I knew somewhat from another roto league, and I decided to give it a shot. Why not? Little did I know that all was about to change. Yes Hopper...because it was through this new league that I met you...and life would never be the same. I have found true happiness again...because I have run into a walking cartoon. A guy who hits himself in the face with a cream pie every time he opens his mouth. How could I be sad ever again in the presence of such a world class buffoon? I mean, time and again, I wallow in roto mediocrity, in despair. And then, like a giant garden slug...you slither over, dragging your great big tits and belly between your legs, to kick sand in my face, like the playground bully you wish you were ever tough enough to be. But' like magic, your gibes raise me from the ashes like a phoenix, and spur me on to a winning streak! By golly, its just amazing. I told you I'd kick your fucking ass and I have done so. (And you cry about being scored against...imagine how nice I'd be looking if I hadn't lost 2 games by 2 points)... so I'll say it again...SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, FAT BOY!!! It's been pleasurable, albeit disgusting, ass raping you. Yes; Its a Wonderful Life!


Here was all that I could muster in return.  I felt like the bad guy in Manhunter when he yells "you owe me AWE!"

Last night as I lay naked, covered in a sea of chips, salsa and stale beer, my mood was solemn. The rigors of a long work day which had followed the usual drunken binge the previous night had me down. And then it happened. My phone notified me that someone cared enough to contact me. I pressed the button with anxious enthusiasm, could this be the girl I met the other day? Could this be the cute cabana boy from last summer? I couldn't wait. and then I see it. Reilly. My smile suddenly turned upside down and I knew the inevitable had come. My loss the previous week was about to be thrown in my face like a Peter North money shot. And then I started to read. Tears welled up in my eyes like a swollen scrotum. This was not a half-hearted put down, oh no, this was prose of a level of which I've rarely seen on a fantasy football message board. I thought to myself, of the twelve people in this league who else could wax poetic at this level. Then I thought about the other ten mental midgets and realized no one. MY admiration for Phil grew. In a semi-aroused state, I smiled. And then, as instructed, I squealed like a pig. Somewhere Ned Beatty is smiling....as am I.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Some Random Thoughts For the Day

Sometimes things stick in my head and I can't them out.  It's part of why I started this silly blog.  I know only a few people read it and most think it's silly or dumb, but sometimes it's like a therapist.  Sometimes you need someone to talk to who won't speak back and offer their unwanted opinions.  Remember what they say about opinions. Believe me, I know, I'm one of the most opinionated people around.  So here's some thoughts that are keeping me awake at night.  OK, anything keeps me awake at night.

You know you might have a drinking problem when you spend a night drinking and nobody gets any better looking.  This is not directed at any of my personal friends, because I only hang out with beautiful people.  Ok maybe I do have a drinking problem.

I watched a girl, about 17, driving a Mercedes run four stops signs in a row.  When I caught up to her she was on a cell phone.  She then proceeded to drive right through a red light.  How is talking on a cell phone not more dangerous and a bigger crime than a DWI?

Last night I posted tons of stuff from youtube on Facebook and realized nobody really cares about what the hell I post.  Maybe I should try Farmville.

It seems to me, the more we progress, the more we digress.  It truly saddens me that where you decide to stick your dick should effect any other aspect of your life.

In any given week I hear Obama's name mentioned about three times.  In any given week I hear Snooki's name mentioned about twenty.  Something has really gone wrong with this country.

Today, while driving I saw this "girl" walking (from behind).  It was one of those asses where you'd love to take a picture and frame it.  She was petite in stature, but not a skinny girl by any means.  She had tight jeans and a tight top on and I was very interested to see what lay ahead in the front.  As I passed her, I looked, we caught eyes and then I drove off with a somewhat confused look.  The woman, with the nice butt, the form fitting clothing and the little swagger was about 50.  Nothing wrong with that, but definitely caught me off guard.

People might laugh when they hear this.  Despite the fact that I watch a lot of foreign films, I now put on subtitles when I watch American films.  I don't know why, I just do.

Every time one of my friends has a kid, or another kid, I think to myself "that would be nice."  And then I see them once every six months and have to listen to them tell me how hard it is as they are showing me their pictures.  No thanks!

I don't read a lot of books, but the other day it dawned on me that I probably read more than anyone I know.  One day I was home and read Rolling Stone magazine cover to cover, then 40 pages in a book, and then surfed the net for three hours.  I read a lot.

OK, this is not an exciting blog, but it's not for you, it's for me.  It's my therapy.  Sometimes you can laugh along and some have brought others to tears.  Sometimes I'm just an asshole.  I'm OK with that.