There have been many a great invention over the years. There is the wheel, the Frisbee, and of course Gold Bond medicated powder (if you don't know you better axe somebody). Recently, I've noticed that some inventions aren't that brilliant. Some are downright silly. These are a few of the items we would all be better without.
Sunday Night Football - Going to work on Monday sucks enough as it is, but thank you NFL, you've given us three and a half more hours to drink, when we've already been out for seven hours. Couldn't you have just been a little kind and started the game at 7pm? No, I have to wait an hour and watch Andy Rooney for a fucking hour. Thanks a lot.
TV Remotes - I'm as lazy as they come. I'll drive two blocks to go somewhere, using the excuse that I may go somewhere else later. It's pathetic, but I'm not so bad that I can't stand up and walk three feet to change a fucking channel. I have watched as people look frantically for ten minutes for their remotes, instead of manually changing the channel. It's pathetic. I know, there are 700 channels. Who cares? Get up off the couch and change the damn channel.
Throw pillows - other than their completely awesome aesthetic beauty, what point do these serve. If anything they only make the actual sitting aspect of your couch an uncomfortable journey that combines the fun past times of squirming and awkwardly reaching behind your back. I know, but they're so cute and they bring the room together.
Scratching Pads for Cats - You could litter your home with these things and I'm pretty sure your cat is still going after the chair. I have seen these in so many homes and I've never once seen a cat scratch them. People are well aware of this when they buy them, so why do they buy them. The reason - people are really fucking stupid.
Flavored Chap Stick - your lips get dried out and licking them makes them worse. Hmmm, let's make them in delicious flavors. This way, people will be more inclined to lick them. Assholes! Why don't you just make them out of razor blades so my lips can look more torn up.
Bing - Let's spend millions on marketing and come out with a web search database that sucks. Why the hell would anyone try to make a better Google? Someone should be taken out back and beaten for this one.
Those Shoes With Wheels In Them - So little Joey wants to be a figure skater, but has the balance of a whino on Saturday night. Let's get him sneakers with wheels in them? Listen roller skates were popular in the 70's because people did a lot of drugs. Then in-line skates became all the rage, until the rate of broken ankles quadrupled. So these things came out. Mom and Dad wanted their precious youngster to have them, not once thinking that just maybe the kid's school doesn't want Nancy Kerrigan skating down the hallway. This is why parents today are dumber than their kids.
Athletic Balls With The Spots For Where To Put Your Fingers - if you're kid is too stupid to figure out how to hold something to throw it, they probably won't be playing sports anyway. Buy them a helmet instead, and then beat them silly. It'll get them ready for junior high.
Nylon Shoe Laces - work with kids? You know what I'm talking about. I'd say we should string up the inventor with them, but we all know the noose wouldn't stay tied.
Wireless Mouse - because that cord was such a burden.
One Pound Dumbbells - who are these for? Is there ever a time where you need these? Is your toddler trying to bulk up?
The Phrase "Community College" - as someone who has gone to a community college and a regular college, I can't tell you that one feels like a community and one does not. You figure it out.
and finally
Jog Bras - Thanks for ruining my view, you Lycra selling bastard.
Sunday Night Football - Going to work on Monday sucks enough as it is, but thank you NFL, you've given us three and a half more hours to drink, when we've already been out for seven hours. Couldn't you have just been a little kind and started the game at 7pm? No, I have to wait an hour and watch Andy Rooney for a fucking hour. Thanks a lot.
TV Remotes - I'm as lazy as they come. I'll drive two blocks to go somewhere, using the excuse that I may go somewhere else later. It's pathetic, but I'm not so bad that I can't stand up and walk three feet to change a fucking channel. I have watched as people look frantically for ten minutes for their remotes, instead of manually changing the channel. It's pathetic. I know, there are 700 channels. Who cares? Get up off the couch and change the damn channel.
Throw pillows - other than their completely awesome aesthetic beauty, what point do these serve. If anything they only make the actual sitting aspect of your couch an uncomfortable journey that combines the fun past times of squirming and awkwardly reaching behind your back. I know, but they're so cute and they bring the room together.
Scratching Pads for Cats - You could litter your home with these things and I'm pretty sure your cat is still going after the chair. I have seen these in so many homes and I've never once seen a cat scratch them. People are well aware of this when they buy them, so why do they buy them. The reason - people are really fucking stupid.
Flavored Chap Stick - your lips get dried out and licking them makes them worse. Hmmm, let's make them in delicious flavors. This way, people will be more inclined to lick them. Assholes! Why don't you just make them out of razor blades so my lips can look more torn up.
Bing - Let's spend millions on marketing and come out with a web search database that sucks. Why the hell would anyone try to make a better Google? Someone should be taken out back and beaten for this one.
Those Shoes With Wheels In Them - So little Joey wants to be a figure skater, but has the balance of a whino on Saturday night. Let's get him sneakers with wheels in them? Listen roller skates were popular in the 70's because people did a lot of drugs. Then in-line skates became all the rage, until the rate of broken ankles quadrupled. So these things came out. Mom and Dad wanted their precious youngster to have them, not once thinking that just maybe the kid's school doesn't want Nancy Kerrigan skating down the hallway. This is why parents today are dumber than their kids.
Athletic Balls With The Spots For Where To Put Your Fingers - if you're kid is too stupid to figure out how to hold something to throw it, they probably won't be playing sports anyway. Buy them a helmet instead, and then beat them silly. It'll get them ready for junior high.
Nylon Shoe Laces - work with kids? You know what I'm talking about. I'd say we should string up the inventor with them, but we all know the noose wouldn't stay tied.
Wireless Mouse - because that cord was such a burden.
One Pound Dumbbells - who are these for? Is there ever a time where you need these? Is your toddler trying to bulk up?
The Phrase "Community College" - as someone who has gone to a community college and a regular college, I can't tell you that one feels like a community and one does not. You figure it out.
and finally
Jog Bras - Thanks for ruining my view, you Lycra selling bastard.
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