Wednesday, October 31, 2012

26 Vastly Underrated Movies Nobody I know Has Seen

Just a list with a quick classics, which most of my friends haven't seen.  Just obscure, odd films I like a lot.  I will try to leave out the plethora of foreign films on my list and stick to American films.

  1. Easy A - Emma Stone in this "teen" comedy. Hilariously funny, but very thoughtful.
  2. One False Move - Bill Paxton, Billy Bob Thornton before they were stars. Thrilling.
  3. 44 Inch Chest - Irish Mob movie starring Ray Winstone & Ian McShane. Top notch acting.
  4. Alpha Dog - Emile Hirsch, Justin Timberlake. You will be in shock by Timblerlake's performance.
  5. Badlands - Martin Sheen & Sissy Spacek in Terrence Malick's beautifully filmed crime drama.
  6. Bug - Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon and Harry Connick Jr in this claustrophobic thriller.
  7. Elephant - Gus Van Zant's film based on Columbine from different perspectives. Difficult at times.
  8. Eve's Bayou - A respected surgeon's infidelities wreak havoc on his family in the South.
  9. Felicia's Journey - Bob Hoskin's greatest role.  Directed by Atom Egoyan.
  10. The Fountain - Hugh Jackman & Rachel Weisz star in Aronofsky's sensory masterpiece.
  11. Half Nelson - Ryan Gosling stars as a strung out teacher who forms a bond with a student.
  12. Hard Candy - Ellen Page (Juno) plays a 14-year-old who turns the tables on a pedophile.
  13. The House of Yes - Parker Posey & Josh Hamilton in a very odd sister brother relationship.
  14. Kicking & Screaming - Noah Baumbach (a school friend of mine) directs this quirky comedy.
  15. Lawn Dogs - Sam Rockwell is brilliant and Mischa Barton is sweet in this indie drama.
  16. Once - Irish love story about two musicians.  Absolutely brilliant soundtrack.
  17. The Perfect Host - David Hyde Pierce, plays the most unassuming bad guy in the history of film.
  18. The Savages - Philip Seymour Hoffman & Laura Linney are amazing in this sad drama about life.
  19. Saved - Jena Malone, Mandy Moore & McCauley Culin, yes really, in this brilliant religious tale.
  20. A Simple Plan - Bill Paxton & Billy Bob Thornton team up again in this tale of found fortune.
  21. Suspect Zero - Aaron Eckhart & Ben Kingsley in this ridiculously mental thriller.
  22. To Live and Die In L.A. - William Peterson in Friedkin's 80's cop story. Miami Vice on Steroids.
  23. Veronica Guerin - Irish film with Cate Blanchett playing real life journalist, caught up in too big a story.
  24. Where God Left His Shoes - John Leguizamo plays a loving father whose family becomes homeless.
  25. The Woodsmen - Kevin Bacon plays a convicted pedophile, released into a society he doesn't fit.
  26. Zodiac - Jake Gyllenhaal plays cartoon journalist after Zodiac killer.  Better every time I watch.
Ok, So there's my list....let me know if anyone has seen and likes any of these as much as I do.


About three and half years ago I started this blog.  I've abandoned it. I've gone to another site, but I've come back for different reasons.  When the blog started, it was meant to be comical.  Then it turned serious.  Finally it turned into a therapy session for me at time.  The worst part about the blog has been the fact that it's kept me from writing anything substantial.  The best part, is it's allowed me to work through some problems I just haven't had others to help me with.  I've had as many as 60 people read my blog and I've had as few as one.  Sure I'd love it if thousands of people read it.  I'd be happy if all my friends and family read it, but the reality is, everyone is busy with their own thing.

I've delved into my personal life way more than I had ever wanted to and many have actually been worried for me.  It's never gotten that bad, trust me.  The blog has seen an angry time in my life.  Not anger, so much as frustration.  My financial and work situation isn't where I want it to be and I'm actually quite frightened by what the future does or doesn't hold.  It's seen me go through three relationships, all ending on somewhat sour notes.  It's seen me angry about the world we live in and the direction we're heading.  My lack of faith in humanity and the hypocritical nature of those who preach religion and tolerance, while being neither.

For the most part however it's truly been what is advertised.  My thoughts.  I realize I don't think you like you and that's OK.  I wake up in the morning and I wipe the sand from my eyes and the first thing I think of is something outlandish.  I have dreams of walking in the woods with certain people I feel close to, yet I hate hiking. I want to cook every day and dine by candlelight, but I usually sit and lay in bed, with something I've thrown together in minutes.  I want to discuss important things, thought provoking things, but I end up arguing about the Yankees. I like to have fun, but I don't.  I wish I could go to sleep, awake to a busy day and not bother with all the silliness I do.  I wish there were people to talk to who stimulated me every day and made life a little more interesting, but the reality is, we covet our routines.  I do not.

I've attempted recently to dive into the exercise of  free writing and while it helps my mind straighten out, it's pretty much crap.  There is no real focus.  Maybe there is and I don't know anymore.  The irony is when I write things that matter to me or tell of good things, my site gets maybe 10-12 hits.  When I write of woes or silliness, I get double or triple.  People seem to crave my misery as if to feel better about themselves.  This is true on Facebook as well.  It's a sickness that has been created by social media.  Our desire to see others struggle more than we.  I don't like it one bit and it's hurt my feelings many a time.

I don't know where this blog is going and many times, I feel it's not worth it.  For now, I'll keep it going for me.  For whoever else is bored and needs something to read on the train or while filling a gap in their days. Maybe one day, my life will have a little more purpose and fulfillment and nobody will care to read.  Maybe then I will find it within myself to write something that is actually worth reading.  For those of you who have read it and given me some kinds, it means a lot and I thank you.  For those who have had negative things to say, I thank you too for taking the time out of your day and I apologize for wasting your time.  Either way, it's nice to know someone people are willing to take those 5-10 minutes for me.  Many thanks.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Free Writing - Take Eight

I'm so scattered tonight, I can't even think of a topic.  The storm blew in and caused so much havoc for so many and I thought I'd be one of those without power.  Alone in the dark, wishing things were different.  I have been sitting here for the better part of the last twelve hours, reading, watching, looking at the devastation.  Someone would laugh at that last line if we were still friends.   Odd thoughts are in my head this morning.  I want to walk outside and soak in all this rain and damage.  I don't even know if it's bad. I haven't heard to many sirens this evening, but friends are suffering through it.  I want a bagel from Garth Road.  I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger, but a really crappy from McDonald's.  I have two movies, but don't feel in the mood for either.  The Help and Shotgun Stories.  I have nothing to do for the next two days. Schools are closed tomorrow and Wednesday I don't have class. I need money.  I need a lot of things.  I had nice conversations Sunday and it made me think about things.  Wish I was younger and I could do some things differently.  I'm tired, physically, but can not sleep.  The wind is blowing harder than it was before.  I hope this is over.  Rain is called for much of tomorrow.  Have we seen the worst of it?  Is there more?  I wish it was Thanksgiving. Ithaca. Family. Laughter.  Someone to say goodnight to.  I don't have that anymore.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Quirks, OCD & ADHD - Some Silly Some Personal

Everyone knows I am very opinionated and I am a bit of an insomniac.  These are givens and I won't bore you with them tonight.  A lot of people say to me, "you have a lot to say about others, but ....."  Well here's some fodder for the next time you want to abuse me or some items to let you know where I am coming from.

In the past year, if I'm not trying to figure something out in my head, I get very distracted.  I need stimulation or I get depressed. Sometimes I give myself math problems just to clear my head.  Two nights ago, I was really depressed about something, so I took an IQ test.  Surprisingly I did very badly...and I won't say what I got, because people will think I'm a dick.

If I'm leaving my apartment, I flick the lights on, then off before I leave.  When I leave the building I always check to see if I have my keys about five or six times.  I almost always look up and to the left whenever I walk through the door.  I have only locked my self out once, since living here.

I am an admitted slob when it comes to my apartment's cleanliness, but I am insane about dirty dishes in the sink.  You will never find dirty dishes in me sink.  You might find a knife in my bed, but never in my sink.

I switch which way I sleep in my bed almost all the time.  Sometimes head towards the wall, sometimes feet. sometimes I sleep width wise. No idea why?  I also almost always have magazines or books on my bed while I sleep. Tonight I awoke with a tennis ball under me.

Other than when I worked at the camp, I have made my bed, maybe ten times in my entire life.  Oddly, when I'm with someone else, I'll make it without them asking.  This is not out of laziness. I find the bed is cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter if unmade.  I'm going with that.

When I'm doing something that has a time constraint, like waiting for a bus, I will check the time every 30-40 seconds, even if I'm already at the bus stop.  The other day, while waiting for my cab, I checked my phone about seven times in two minutes until they showed up.  I got to the school 7 minutes earlier than I had to.

I have an awful habit of pouring something to drink when I'm thirsty and forgetting to drink it. The other morning I made coffee, finally poured a cup 30 minutes later and took the first sip ten minutes after that and it was cold.

I absolutely hate the way socks feel on my feet, jeans feel on my legs and sweaters feel in general. Don't get me started on gloves and hats.  Ironically, I lived in hats until about 30.

I have shaved my head for nearly 25 years and now I have hair.  I run my hands through my hair about every three minutes now.  Many times forgetting it's kinda long on top and it looks ridiculous after I do it.

The single hardest thing I've had to do since my mother passed away was to take her cell phone number out of my contacts.  The first two weeks after she died, I called it every day, just to hear her voice.

I probably rub my eyes about 500 times a day.  My ex used to go crazy over this.  Due to this, my eyes are always tearing.

If I don't ever tease you, I probably do not like you very much.  If I do to excess, you mean a lot to me, but I don't know how to tell you.

When I look up at the stars on a clear night, I think about the same person every single time.  And this is not someone I've ever been involved with. Been this way for 15 years and was the basis for my short story written on here a few nights ago.

I would say nearly 50% of my dreams lately are of me cooking dinner for and having dinner with a girl I like. The other half are awful.

Even though I have only done it a handful of times, the free writing exercise I've been doing has incredible calming elements and after, I can concentrate a lot better.  My average blog takes me less than 15 minutes to write. I've been writing this one, for about two hours, while doing nine other things.

I panic when I think I am going to be late to something. To the point, I sweat and get dizzy.  However, If I tell you I'll meet you in 15 for a drink, expect it to be about a half hour.

If I watch a Netflix movie at night, I find it impossible to wait until the next day to mail it and will get dressed and walk to the post office no matter what time of night it is.  I am obsessed with movies and worry about having to wait an extra day.

I have become so immersed in foreign films, I can't watch American films without subtitles anymore.  Eight of the last 12 movies I've rented have been foreign films.  Mostly Korean or Japanese.

I do not believe in ghosts, but the other night, I saw something in my bathroom doorway (and it was not happy).  Ironically I couldn't sleep before I saw it and slept for over six hours after.  Most people would have ran out of the house, but for some reason this soothed me.  Which the next day gave me some cause for concern.

A have an awful habit of continuously smelling things.  Food, clothing, etc.  To the point where I convince myself they smell bad, even if they are fresh, clean, etc.  Smells also trigger serious memories for me, to the point they can affect my emotions.

I am the least photogenic person alive. There is not one picture of me taken since I was 15 that I like of myself.  With my knowledge, there have probably been less than 100 pictures taken of me since 1998. I do not think there is one picture of my taken from 1989-1990.  Ironically, I was in the best shape of my entire life.

There is nothing I hate more than having the back of my neck touched.  This has bothered me since I was little and I can't stand when people massage my neck and shoulders.

Despite my love of sports, I have only owned four jerseys in my entire life. John Elway, Deion Sanders, Roger Clemens and a random Colorado Buffaloes jersey.  I have worn a jersey one time in my adult life.  It truly bothers me when I see adult men wearing jerseys. I will write a blog about this one day...and alienate more friends.

I am terrified of strong winds. If we get this Hurricane Sandy, I will without a doubt not go outside during it.  Thunder and lightning does nothing to me and I have been within 30 feet of lightning hitting the ground and didn't flinch, but high winds terrify me.

Well I'm sure there are more, but some might be too personal for even me to divulge...well, while sober.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Halloween Film Festival 2012

Last year I wrote a a blog mapping out a three day Halloween inspired film festival which Featured two double features and capping off Halloween night with, well obviously, Halloween.  So this year we'll plan on a six day Halloween festival, leading up to the big night.  The movies in last year's festival were Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead, Frankenstein, Texas Chainsaw Massacre & Halloween.  So we need some serious changes.

Friday - You're tired from a long work week. Weather is getting a little colder. You want to start the festival off right, but you're also looking for something light.  Maybe a comedy.  The perfect horror/comedy to start this off is Shaun of the Dead.  Simon Pegg stars a Shaun in this hilarious and not remotely scary zombie. What the movie lacks in terror it makes up for in wit.  A perfect beginning.

Saturday - We dipped our toes into horror last night, so let's dive right in.  I'm suggesting Hellraiser.  Pinhead and the rest of the Cenobites are just plain freaky. This movie will definitely hit the fear button and aside from being freaky, there is enough gore to really get some of the more squeamish, but we're just getting started.

Sunday - You're footballed out and now you need some scares.  Popcorn, soda and some Martyrs.  Martyrs is a French film that starts off a little slow.  It's the story of two young, beautiful women who....let's just say it's a revenge film gone wrong.  There isn't as much gore as movies like Frontiers or Hostel, but where those movies go over the top, Martyrs keeps a cerebral tone.  Don't let that fool you though, the violence and brutality is offsetting at times.  One of the few movies I've ever watched where I needed to take a shower after. You won't be talking about this at the water cooler on Monday, trust me.

Monday - After last night you need a bit of a palate cleanser.  I say, go with Severance.  Severance is one of my personal favorites of all time. Not just in the horror genre. It starts out as a business bonding trip and is hilarious. The movie gets weird and then you think it's over.  There is a WTF scene to end all WTF scenes in this movie and then it really gets weird.  Absolutely incredible from start to finish. You'll be shaking your head the entire time.  Also, don't miss the DVD extras on this one. Classic.

Tuesday - we need a good set up for the night before.  Do we go silly horror?  Dead Snow maybe?  Hell, who doesn't love Zombies who happen to be Nazis?  Oh and did I mention they are organized and can run? Let's go with this one.  Guys, you'll be disappointed with the lack of nudity, because it is a Norwegian film, but the movie is so tastefully bad it's a thrill ride.  Just don't give it too much thought.

Halloween - How do you not end with the classic namesake.  John Carpenter's masterpiece isn't the best horror film ever, but it's a classic tale that keeps haunting us.  I think it's that slight bit of reality and the cheap budget that makes it so timeless.  Can't end Halloween without watching it.

Some possible replacements for the earlier nights include Let the Right One In or the American remake Let Me In, The Shining, Carrie, Audition, Phantasm, Candyman and of course, everyone's favorite little devil, The Omen.


Thursday, October 25, 2012

If You Listen To One Speech - Lana Wachowski

Today I saw a link to a video for a speech by Lana Wachowski.  The last name rung a bell, but I could't put my finger on it. Lana, used to be Larry, one of the writer, director, producers of the Matrix trilogy, V for Vendetta and the upcoming Cloud Atlas.  Lana is transgendered and has "come out" as a woman.  She was being honored by the Human Rights Campaign.

I didn't know what to expect when this broad woman with crazy hair and a raspy voice began to speak.  She began with the usual pleasantries and told of her hair dresser. She then tells of her desire to be a quiet person and how hard the success of the Matrix movies made this.  The first ten minutes is telling of how she's not quite ready to be this spokesperson.  Then she speaks about the new movie Cloud Atlas and reveals the heart of the movie and this speech. She states,"The responsibilities human beings have to one another and how our lives are not entirely our own."  She then quotes the movie and you realize this is her life.  She goes on to discuss her young life and her difficulties associating with the boys, when her desire is to be with the girls.  She goes on to tell of her mother's defense.

She goes on to tell of her woes in high school and being asked to make a Valedictorian speech.  She then segues into a story about her going to a Burger King to write her a suicide note.  She tells of what stops her. It's at this point we realize she is saved, but years away from being able to come forth.  She then tells of her lover.  The woman she calls her wife.  She tells of her coming out and how her mother jumped on a plane to be with her.  She tells of her mom's fear of dealing with the loss of her son, but she realized it was the gift of meeting her daughter.  She then tells of her father, who simply stated "Look if my kid wants to sit down and talk to me I'm a lucky man.  What matters is that your alive, you seem happy and I can put my arms around you and give you a kiss."  It's at this moment, that the speech sets in. Complete acceptance.

The speech then turns to those who don't accept.  Tells of the murder of someone similar. She tells of her brother's defense her.  She tells of how hard it is when nobody is like you. She ends the speech by saying "If I can be that person for someone else, then the sacrifice of my private civic life may have value."

As I was listening to this speech, social media and news sources were being flooded with stories of racism spewed by the likes of Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.  Hateful rhetoric by Ann Coulter and Richard Mourdock.  I then watched twitter light up as a noted African American blogger was barraged with  hours upon hours of hateful tweets calling her a nigger.  She actually responded five times to a twitter account called "lynchthemall." In all this hate, the one thing that resonated was this strong individual, throwing all her comfort out the window in an effort to help, maybe one person, who feels like there is nobody like them.  That their differences mean they can never be loved.  I cried at parts.  I laughed out loud at others.  At the end, nearly a half hour later, I stood in front of my laptop and applauded.  In 25 minute of speaking, Lana Wachowski proved that love and acceptance can make all of us overcome our fears, prejudices and hatred. We just need to be able to accept that we're all the same.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Free Writing - Take Seven

What Happened?

I need to unload my mind. Today has been depressing. Grew up in Brooklyn surrounded by blacks, Spanish, Oriental.  They were people.  My people. Today, 40 some years later, we live in a world with more hate than those days.  When did the world become this way.  Stop blaming 9/11.  I'm missing Game one of the world series, but not that sad. I am changing. Giving less meaning to sports and more to the world around me. How can I help? I donate to charity. I fight for causes, but my two cents there and ten dollars here makes as much difference as spitting into the ocean.  I'm tired. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of looking for something to do for a living that will make me happy. The kids make me happy. I'm at peace with them. One told his mom he said bad words, she applauded his honesty, but scolded his behavior.  Mom's like this get it. Another mother came in, moved a barricade I had to protect the children and didn't put it back.  Her cell phone call was too important.  She looked and laughed.  Why do people laugh when they are assholes as if it make it OK? I've been online too much today. Saw a wonderful video that brought laughter, tears and applause.  I stood in my own apartment and applauded someone's bravery.  I wish I had the opportunity to make these impressions.  I have dreams and aspirations, but they all need the one thing I don't have. Money. So much time on my hands and so little to do.  I have started thinking about moving.  Who would know?  I'm guessing I could leave tomorrow and it would be months before anyone would care. I so desire solitude. Or maybe just from my surroundings.  I'm ashamed by what I see and what I hear.  The hate resonates so loudly.  When did the word nigger become an acceptable conversation piece.  I don't use that word, so why do people feel it fine to use it while talking to me?  Surrounded by ignorance in this small minded town. a few dollars in their pockets or a house that their mommy and daddy left them.  This is what a republican is.  Democrats aren't much better, just with a little less of a pot to piss in  The hate swarming angers me.  The other day I saw and gazed at a friends family.  She's white. He's black.  Their three children are a color that can't be explained.  All I saw was five people, standing, smiling, loving. Why can't other's see through my eyes.  It pains me to my core. Sorry if I offend. Fuck you! No I'm not.  Accept or deal with it.  All you who hate, your kids will grow to hate an the cycle remains unbroken.  So sad. Ignorance breeds hate.  Hate breeds prejudice. Prejudice breeds judgement. judgement breeds violence. Violence breeds confusion. Confusion breeds ignorance.  It will never end as long as we stay ignorant, believing our gods and our ways are better than others.  I cry sometimes thinking of those who are affected. The boy who loves another boy, dragged down a dirt road.  The girl shot for wanting to go to school.  The friends I've seen slammed on the hood of cars for the color of their skin, while getting milk at the store for their mother who works 16 hour days to feed them. I'm worried about missing the world series and burning my microwave popcorn as women are raped, children are starving and people are subjected to violence for the color of their skin or the god the pray too.  Is it wrong to hope the Mayans are right?  Maybe the next beings will get it right.  Obviously, we're never going to.

Many Starry Nights

Breakups are never easy.  Vincent knew this and he was not taking it well.  His relationship with Emma had ended badly and their friendship seemed doomed as well.  He felt he had devoted himself for the better part of six, nearly seven years and in the end, he had nothing but a bruised ego and an aching heart.  He hadn't done much in the way of socializing with friends in many years and he wasn't sure how to start over.  He made a call and he and his friends decided to get together for drinks.  He had mixed feelings about it since he felt they had abandoned him years before when he needed them.  He was going in expecting a bit of a backlash, but also armed with his thoughts.  He was prepared.

That night ended with out many fireworks and he felt  as if he had rekindled whatever lost ties there had been.  He was gleefully drunk and thinking about his future.  Vincent had just returned to school that year and laughed at the irony that he was now single and surrounded by single women, but unfortunately for him, he was nearly ten years their senior.  At 27, he was the old man in school.  Old at 27, how did this happen?  He sat in a drunk daze and started searching the Internet.  The next morning, he awoke, still sitting in front of the screen, drool crusted in the corner of his mouth, sand in his eyes, the half eaten container of nachos, he had purchased from 7-11 by his side.  His gaze was blurry and he wiped his eyes.  He tried to focus on the bright screen in the darkened room, but couldn't.  Finally, after a few seconds, the screen came into focus with the words "application sent."

A few days later, the phone rang and a gentleman introduced himself as the recruiter for a New Hampshire sleepaway camp.  Vincent had never gone as a child and wondered what this man was calling him for.  "We received your application and would like to ask you a few questions."  Vincent obliged and within about four minutes, the man offered him one of two positions at the camp.  He chose to be the second in command of a group of ten year old boys over coaching baseball, his true love. He wanted more of a challenge.  So there he was, 27 and about to become a camp counselor. He laughed at how silly that even sounded.  "Who knows?" he thought.  It could be fun.

Weeks later, the camp had started and Vincent was truly enjoying himself. He had made a few new friends and was loving his time with the kids.  He took the job seriously during the day, but the nights were spent in sorrow, his thoughts were with Emma and wondering what she was doing and who she was doing it with was tearing at his soul.  He played hard with the kids and partied harder on his day and nights off.  He was trying to escape, but her image was unshakable.  One night while coming back from the town bars, he ended up sitting next to a young girl named Dani.  Dani was about five years younger than Vincent and also from New York.  She explained she had been a camper at the camp and that she loved the place like a second home.  For whatever reason the conversation continued as they got off the bus and as some people went to their cabins and others went to hook up, the two stayed in the area the bus had dropped them off and talked.

The next morning, their paths crossed during breakfast, they exchanged pleasantries and returned to their prospective groups.  Vincent felt funny.  He couldn't put his finger on it, but something wasn't right.  That night, long after the kids had fallen asleep, he lay in bed, staring up at the dark.  It was his first time to reflect on the day and all he could think about was Dani. Not once, during the entire day did Emma come into his thoughts. He looked forward to the next night and knew the day would drag.  The next day, seemed like torture, he couldn't bear it.  After dinner, he took his kids to their evening tennis, slipping away early to shower and get ready for the night.  He got on the bus early and sat in the front, and empty seat beside him.  Emma got on the bus and said hello, but walked to the back with some friends.  He was a little put off, but was happy she said hello.  They entered town and he went off with a group of guys and she went somewhere else. The night was spent drinking and laughing, but his mind was elsewhere.  He couldn't wait to go back.

The bus pulled in that evening and people said their goodnights and made their way back to their cabins.  Vincent sat and talked with a group of people and Dani made her way over them.  As the crowd lessened in size, Dani remained. They didn't talk, but a few times shared a glance. Everyone slowly scattered and the next thing he knew it was just the two of them.  They walked down the center of the massive field and stopped at the bottom of the steep hill separating the upper and lower fields.  They sat down, laying their backs against the hill and gazed at the stars.  The sky was crystal clear and the stars seemed to blink at them as if to say, "we know."  They sat and talked.  For one, maybe two hours.  Maybe more.  Time had stopped for Vincent.  He was happy again.  The conversation covered everything from silly jokes to future plans.  Vincent was finally able to open up and then it happened.  Dani very quietly said "are you seeing anyone?"  Vincent became quiet.  He didn't know what to do.  A million thoughts going through his mind and he began to feel ill.  He realized then he still loved Emma, but he really liked Dani.  His lips trembled as he knew this was it.  He said "No," but he didn't stop.  His honest nature kicked in and he continued, "but I'm still in love with my ex."

Weeks went by and three nights a week, Vincent would return from his night off and pick a spot on the hill.  Dani would be by his side and they'd share everything.  He knew her innermost secrets and she his.  She did everything in her power to let Vincent know it was OK.  She wanted to be with Vincent, even if he did still love Emma.  She didn't care.  She explained over and over that this was camp and nothing that happens during the summer can be taken very seriously.  Vincent was scared.  He was falling for Dani, but he couldn't risk being hurt again.  He pushed her subtle advances away and as the summer passed by, he knew, his nights with her were fleeting. He wasn't sure what to do.  He knew she was going to Israel for a year and couldn't stand to lose her.

Summer ended and on the final night, Dani, exhausted from a summer of waiting, found someone for a fling.  Vincent knew and was fine with it.  He wasn't emotionally ready for it to be him and he wasn't mad.  She was upset he found out, but as the secret motto of the camp went "we live in a fishbowl."  Ironically only a handful of people knew about Vincent and Dani's late night chats. They had somehow bucked tradition and kept everything a secret.  That morning she was leaving and Vincent made sure to walk to her bus.  He held her tight and she started to cry.  She apologized and he assured her it was alright. She promised to write and so did he.  They promised to stay in touch and to remain friends. Vincent had moved recently and he knew those types of friendships never last, but he swore that theirs would.  He watched as she entered the bus, the tinted glass hiding her from his sight.  The door closed and he waved.  He sulked as he walked away and tears built up within his eyes.  He felt as if she'd been taken away forever.

A few months later, Vincent was home.  Life was back to normal and he was finally over Emma.  He missed the companionship, but he also liked his freedom.  He went out with his friends, occasionally met girls, but he never got too serious.  One day he went down and grabbed the mail.  He thumbed through the bills and brochures and came across the most elaborate, colorful envelope.  He flipped it over and saw his name.  He checked the return address and noticed it was from Israel. Dani had written.  He carefully opened the envelope to reveal a three page letter.  The letter told of the fun she was having and how hard the work is.  She told him how rewarding the experience was and that her life was changed after this experience. He read on and on about her life now. He smiled from ear to ear.  As he turned to the last page, the letter changed.  It went from tales of the present to feelings of the past.  Dani told him how much that summer meant to her. She explained how much she liked him and how hard it was for her that he wasn't ready.  She said she understood, but she felt hurt.  She wished him well and said they'd meet again. She asked him to write, but he never did.

Years later, Vincent was long detached from the camp as an employee, but went for a visit.  He met up with old friends and spent the day drinking and reminiscing about great times.  He told them of his life and they of theirs.  A friend turned to him and said, "Vincent, I still have one question.  Who the hell was the secret girl you kept meeting your first summer?"  Vincent smiled and shrugged his shoulders.  The friends teased, but he wouldn't tell.  His friend Beth, pulled him aside a little later and whispered in his ear, "Guess who just happens to be visiting this weekend?'  Vincent's eyes lit up and his heart started to pound.  Beth knew and she laughed and gave him a hug.  He wasn't sure if she was serious.  He didn't know what he'd do or say.  He hadn't spoken to her in over years.

Night came and they all retreated to one of their cabins.  As they laughed and drank wine, a figure came to the door.  "Knock Knock," a woman's voice said. Vincent's entire body perked up. Brushing off his lack of sobriety, he collected himself.  Dani, swung open the door and entered.  She looked first at Beth and ran and gave her a hug.  She scanned the room and smiled at everyone.  Her eyes locked onto Vincent's and they paused. Her face dropped.  She politely made her rounds and said hello.  When she finally got to Vincent, she extended her arms and they hugged.  Vincent knew there was something missing.  As he released, his arms slid slowly down her arms, til they were reached her hands. His fingers gently brushing across what he knew was a wedding band.  She quickly pulled her hand away and looked at him the same way she looked that day they said goodbye.  Vincent was crushed at first.  He then realized just how special that summer was.

Hours went by and people were starting to fade. Most had work in the morning and Vincent, who had tried to sober up for his 15 minute ride back to the motel was exhausted.  He started saying his goodbyes and then came to Dani.  He leaned in and whispered in her ear.  He then kissed her gently on her cheek and walked out.  He waved goodbye to everyone and told them he'd miss them.  As he walked out the door, he stopped.  Dani was still sitting.  He smiled, then walked out and paused briefly before continuing. As he walked back to his car, he stopped for a moment and and took a few steps off of the path onto the field he had spent those wonderful nights with Dani.  He stared at the stars and smiled.  Just then, he heard a door slam and a figure approached him.  He squinted to make out who it was, but as the figure came out from under the shadows of the huge pines, onto the moonlit field, he realized it was Dani.  She looked sad.  He smiled and asked her if she was OK.  She looked down and started thumbing her ring.  He laughed and said "I guess you're not asking what motel I'm staying at." She looked up and laughed.  She started to apologize for not keeping in touch and he assured her it wasn't her fault.  She told him how much of a shock it was to see him and how happy she was. She walked closer and looked into his eyes.  He looked at her and thought about how he'd never kissed her.  Never held her hand.  Never done anything but talked.  For a brief moment, he felt regret.  She stared for what seemed like minutes and asked "Did you ever think about me after that summer? It meant a lot to me and I've never really known."  Vincent smiled and nodded.  She was a married woman now and he wasn't sure what to say.  It wasn't fair to him or her to relive those times.  He decided to just stay quiet.

Vincent took Dani's hand in his and walked from the field, towards the trees, closer to the cabins.  He stopped, a step away from  trees, still able to see the starry night.  He stood besides her and they both looked up.  He then turned, holding both her hands and looked at her.  He smiled.  He told her he had to get going and he was happy they caught up.  He gave her a last hug and kissed her gently on the lips.  She turned and walked away and he watched as she got closer to the cabin. A tear rolled down his cheek. As she reached for the handle of the door, he called her. "Dani," he said, "You asked me before if I ever thought about you.  Well, it's been 15 years since that summer and I have to be honest.  There hasn't been one night that I've looked up at the night sky and not thought about you."  And that was true.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Free Writing - Take Six


Sleep. Those moments when nothing matters. Adrift in a sea of dreams that only feels like reality.  I miss when I dream. I dreamed last night. Eight hours of sleep.  Eight hours of sleep for an insomniac. You don't know what it's like.  Less than 30 all week.  I hate it. I just turned off the hum of the air conditioner.  My feet are like icicles. I want to sleep. I just can't. Bones ache. I slept last year, arms wrapped around another, it felt like eternity, I'd awake again and again. I wasn't asleep at all. I know I'm physically tired now, I am misspelling everything, spell check for free writing, is it legal? A price to pay for the sleepless nights. The incarceration of darkness and life not moving at 4am.  I hear cars or a neighbor stirring, but they aren't part of my world.  I need something, to make me tire.  I miss the days when knees were strong and I would run for miles. I would tire and refuel. I have nothing to refuel from or for. I miss the conversations, the sex, the falling into that stupor.  Nothing lasts, not even dreams.  I loved my dreams, chased, battered and bruised, knowing I was asleep, there was no fear. I miss those dreams holding hands.  Insomnia wipes away those fantasies, with sleep either so deep you can't dream or sleep so light you don't have time. I want to go where the air is clear and the sounds of the rain on the trees soothes the soul. I want to wake to that roll over and know someone is there.  I want to wake up and walk alone in the grass, down to water and back up.  I want to be awake before all and then sleep while they are awake.  I want to know it's safe.  I want to go to bed and awake with my mother well. A time before all this sleeplessness started. I think about that night, her heavy breathing and she was gone. Fourteen hours the next night. That's how much I slept. Relief of her passing and her release from pain.  I haven't slept like that since and I won't ever again.  I slept well last night out of sheer exhaustion. I'm lying to anyone who reads this, I fell asleep at 7am and slept until the mid afternoon.  A wasted day. Another victim of my nocturnal life. I want to talk to someone, look into their eyes and hold their hand. I want a kiss goodnight on my forehead like my mother would give. I want to sleep and awaken to eggs and toast and love.  I lie, staring at the ceiling, knowing....


I started writing a blog about the relevance of profound quotes by Dr. Seuss and how they relate to my life.  The monotony and the repetition became painful enough to scrap the idea. I start again with realizations.  Realizations about my life, my situation and my future.

I've come to the realization that life is very precious. I recently lost a friend to suicide. I won't lie to over-dramatize our friendship for effect. I will be honest.  I was friends with her on Facebook and knew her when I was a counselor at a camp. Her younger brother was in my first group about 15 years ago. When I first met her she was about 14 maybe.  She was 28 when she died.  I don't know how she was as an adult, other than that she was beautiful, successful and charitable.  I believe she was in a relationship and I believe she appeared to all, to be happy.  I know no difference and other than my condolences, that is all the contact I have.  I think about my life and how awful it is recently. I think about how her appeared.  I realize happiness is never about money or success.  It's about something impossible to explain.  She was a driven girl, most likely never satisfied.  The opposite of me.  I'm not condoning my lifestyle, but I've never been one to get to uptight about things.  It's a flaw and a blessing. I've been in car accidents and never had my heartbeat rise.  There is good and bad to these things.  All I know is that when I heard she died, something clicked inside me.  I wished I had run into her a week before.  Told her how wonderful she looked and how great it was to see her success.  Anything. We all do.  Would  it have mattered?  No. In the end, we're all going to take whatever the path we choose my be, no matter how self destructive.  It's all about how we're wired.  Sadly, I won't be able to see the next smiling pick she posts. None of will.

I stayed at home all weekend.  I realized how lonely that can be.  It's one thing to stay home on a Tuesday night, but Friday through Sunday is another thing. I had contact with the outside world, but mostly via the Internet.  The sad universe where everyone with nothing to do converges for hours on end, to tell everyone else what they will do tomorrow.  It dawned on me that in the past week, I've had physical contact with two friends. Two!  I had three phone conversations all week with people that didn't want my money.  All three were family.  I received texts from a handful of people, but only one asked what I was doing and wanted to hang out. I received a text from an "ex" who had been a big part of my life as a friend, but we stopped talking.  I got her text and it was another realization. I don't care anymore. It's not to say I don't care about her.  I don't care about us. I wish her well, but I realize we're not friends anymore and at a specific moment, it clicked.  I'm glad, I needed it to.  Out friendship had become a destructive force in my life and I needed it gone.  I'm not laying blame at all, but realized it was over.

I realized also how petty people have become. I realized that the four people I talked to the most, exactly one year ago, I no longer associate with at all.  I realize that those people never really meant much to me, with the exception of one.  I realize that in my quest to get away from monotony, I opened myself up to lying, cheating and dishonesty, which isn't in my nature.  A friend made a joke about me the other day, in complete jest and I had to point out, that while I seem to be flippant at times, do not mistake that for a lack of loyalty.  If I like you, I will go to bat for you. I will help you in any way I can.  If I love you, I will never betray that trust.  I will make mistakes, but don't look at that as my lack of feelings, but merely my human side.  I argue with those that I find worth my time.  I would never waste one second arguing with someone I didn't care for, because honestly, their opinions don't interest me.

Today I was chatting with someone online and I realized how hard it is to make things work.  We all have our personalities and our vices.  We all have our quirks and our beliefs.  It's tough for two people, let alone a family to work.  The people I talk, text, chat and argue with now aren't my best friends in the world. Those people I rarely talk to, with the unspoken knowledge we'll always be there for each other.  I've found that isn't always the case either. The people I'm with now all lend something to my life it is lacking. I have friends who talk sports, who talk food or movies.  I have friends I can share this and that with and vice versa.  I have a lot of friends who make up one friend.  I have friends I wish I knew more intimately, both male and female. I wish I knew what they are all about, because I only know that little bit they show.  I have friends whose families I want to know.  I want to understand why they are so lucky or if they really are.  I want to know why they love this or that and where it comes from. I know where the things I love come from and that's what I crave from them. I have friends who I see as beautiful people with absolutely no sexual attraction and there are those who take my breath away, some by their physical beauty and some by their minds or their sense of humor.  I have some who I see all three in.  I've come to the realization that it's not always taking the bull by the horns, but watching and listening.  Talking and learning.  I've dove into so many friendships and relationships over the past few years and they are all fleeting, but the new ones are ones I want to keep.  I want to be old bullshitting about the Yankees and Red Sox.  I want to talk about how to braise the meat for a bolognese.  I want to have someone send me information they think I might be interested in or the friend who sends me the dumb shit so I can roll my eyes and they can tell me they'll try harder next time.

I hate cliches and I'll never seize the day again.  I've seized it too may times and I look what I've gained versus what I've lost and it's not even close.  I've gained brief moments of fun and happiness and traded it for  months worth of lost time. I've realized I need to watch and listen, to observe and to stop jumping into the first situation that looks like a fun time. I'm not 24, I'm 42. I need to start picking and choosing, those who I want to grow old with.  Those people, who I can count on to sit and reminisce and have things to reminisce about. Those fleeting moments with those long gone, will never be in my memories, but when the people I'm reminiscing with are breaking bread together and drinking wine, they'll be memories worth having.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Free Writing - Take Five

I've been giving myself themes for this free writing experiment, but the reality is, that takes the free part out.  Sure I get off topic and that is the point, but I'm gonna try true free writing right now.  For the next ten minutes I'm just going to write whatever pops in my head.

Right Here, Right Now

We spend so much dwelling on the past. The movie I watched is about a man in his 80's looking to get better.  I wish I had that drive. I don't and I know it. I spent the day looking at pictures of beauty, surrounded by empty walls. An awful thought, I was jailed. Imagine the horror, but I self impose such sanctions on myself daily. I want to go somewhere do something be someone. anything I/m  not doing now I want to do, but the limitations are endless not the possibility are endless.  I don't like cliches, but I just wrote one. Fuck it.  I want something so silly, so unattainable, but whatever.  That s what is called desire. Once we get it we lose interest.  we're a stupid species aren't we.  I want to walk somewhere, feet bare in the grass. I don't care if it's 50 degrees, I don't care if it's cold. I remember last year, the snow on Halloween. Power out, snow falling a burned out compressor above my head on fire. I took off my shoes and walked in the snow. A wire dangling a few feet away.  The crunch of the snow in the quiet night was heavenly.  The live wire, feet away. Who knows if it was live, it makes the story better.  I sit her, been up since 6pm.  Slept for about three hours in the middle of the afternoon. Nothing to do, no money. Time slowly ticks when you have nothing to do. I looked at pictures of nature. It's why people believe in God and why they can't imagine that everything is caused by nature.  nature takes time and we're so impatient. I'm patient to a fault. Waiting for something grand to happen.  I can't push nature, but can push myself like Jiro.  There is a craving I have, for a donut maybe or maybe a trip.  friends are leaving my the day. Are they or were they ever. I criticize everyone, but I don't mean harm...those I care about I want more from and for.  I don't care about the average Joe, the pat on the back kiss on the cheek friends. I want someone I wasn't with tonight to have happiness. I think about others constantly, but my comments are not always taken in context.  I miss my mother.  She'd know what to do.  I miss everything about my childhood.  Walking out the door and seeing white and black and Spanish and Indian and I now live in this chlorinated world that makes me sick. I fight for what I believe while nobody else cares.  I don't know why I do it anymore. The world is a lost cause.  Is it wrong to hope the Mayans are right?  maybe I should start celebrating like Prince was singing about.  Maybe we all should, but down our fears and our hate and play it out and see if they're right. Imagine dying while holding all that hate in. I want sushi - now.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Free Writing - Take Four


Can think about anything to write again, but a friend found me something a little inspirational.  So here's what the plan for this.  I'm going to write about what I write about.  Sounds like one of those shadow box things that goes on forever. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about right now, because my sleep schedule is off and I just ate a steak sandwich at 3am and it was technically my late breakfast, because I woke up four hours ago.  Anyway, ten minutes of non-stop babble about my writing.

I write a blog, movie reviews, food reviews, facebook jargon and twitter, I write what comes into my head and what I experience. Nobody cares and I know this. We live in a world where nobody care about anyone but themselves.  They say they do, but they don't.  I write about this. I write about the delicate flavors in a sushi dish and the bold in coq au vin.  I talk shit about friend's restaurants when they suck and praise them when they do well. I make enemies with my honesty, because honesty isn't important t most.  I write about movies that most have never heard off and scoff at when suggested. I fucking hate you people who love Will Ferrell and Sylvester Stallone.  I really do.  I think your minds are mush and you don't deserve my friendship.  But only when you talk about them being good.  I would love to write a thorough explanation of why I hate cherries, but think uni is god's gift to my tongue.  I want to watch Audition with a girl and then ask her for a kiss.  I want to tweet about every goddamn thing that pops in my head, not because I think I'm brilliant, but I'm so bored.  You all bore me well not you.  The thing that bores me is repetition, yet every day I do the same thing. I would love a life with a different job every day.  A different plan.  A different view.  But just one girl to share it with. It's the only thing in my life I want sameness.  I have one in mind.  I have two in mind. I have three in mind.  I'm kidding, I have none. I want to sit on a deck with this person and look at stars and talk about movies we've seen together.  I want to disagree, it's so damn important. My mother and father agreed on everything...actually I'm joking, it's their disagreement that brought me to where I am.  and their agreements.  It is all the things they said and did that made me who I am. I never looked up to athletes or actors. I've met tons of famous people and never asked for a picture or an autograph. They are people. I am not impressed. I love so many things in life I can't have...and oddly none of them cost money.  I want to write a great novel or screen play or maybe one funny joke the world will love. What am I a bumper sticker?  Twitter is nothing but a world of bumper stickers all in one place. I'm gonna tweet that when I'm done. It's brilliant. the CEO will play me millions to use it and I'll write about kids starving and how it hurts me.  truly hurts me.  I'm a fucking hypocrite as I chew my steak sandwich and write about me porterhouse. Fuck me and everyone like me.  $150 in the bank and I'm making plans to go to Smith and Wollensky's. Who the fuck do I think I am?  Wow, ten minutes is a short time when you're writing.

Friday, October 19, 2012

So Many Ideas

With lack of sleep, there becomes an abundance of time to think. While most of it is as scattered as the clothes on my floor, there are those occasional moments of clarity.  They are, by my own admission, few and far between.  I have so many ideas that would be great for me, if I only had the resources to begin these ventures.

While in college I wrote a marketing plan and mission statement for a food delivery service.  My professor laughed at me. A year later, Newsweek or some other major magazine had an article about a teenager who hired his friends and made a million dollars delivering groceries in his community.  A few years later I tried to sell an idea to open up a store, that would eventually use the Internet, to sell only athletic team hats.  Nearly four years later, the first LIDS, Inc. opened and turned into a multi-million dollar corporation. I've joked with others about some silly ideas that actually became realities, like Chefs Express, but never had the money to even attempt these things.  I have so many others, but they are either pipe dreams or too many dollars away from ever happening.

Without giving out all the details, I've got tons of others.  One would be to expand on my current position working with kids into a bigger business.  This however is not a novel idea and there is some serious competition, but I'm sure with the right resources, I could make it explode, because I'd expand it to include everything one could imagine under it's current umbrella.

I have an idea that might revolutionize college life.  The problem with this one, would be to be able to find out the legality of it first. The second problem would be the initial period would have to yield incredible results that are almost impossible to measure.  The third would be expansion.  If it took off, it would be almost impossible to keep up with.  Although in this economic climate, it wouldn't be hard to find a work force.  It's just finding the right work force that would be an issue.  In it's most simplistic form, it would create a business (aka real) world environment for college students that would enable them to experience more time for other endeavors, while being a student.

I have tons of ideas for screen plays and novels, but my newly acquired, self diagnosed adult ADD has limited me to blogs and driving people crazy on Facebook and Twitter.  I have an idea for a psychological thriller, which I already have a beginning and ending for, but it's all the filling that escapes me.  I have an inner city story, based on real experiences, with a twist.  I have an idea for a play about the simple lives of people we all know.

I have two ideas for computer/Internet games. One is a sports themed game, playing on the popularity of role playing games and the crazy amounts of time people spend on them.  The best part of this game would be it's   ability to generate revenue. Obviously, my complete lack of knowledge of video game design and the inner workings of connectivity would mean I'd have almost nothing to do with it, but selling the idea.  The other idea is a highly specialized social media idea, that would deal with my true love...movies.  That is probably the least developed as there are certain websites that offer similar things, just not in "real" time.

I have ideas for restaurants. God, do I have ideas for restaurants.  Fine dining, chains, theme and fast food. I have ideas for delis, stores, bars.  I have foodie ideas to make tons of money and ideas to make nothing.  I think the average person's lack of food knowledge and appreciation, given the country we live in, is staggering.  Which reminds me of the best food story I have.

In 9th grade, my science teacher in Manhattan brought in something to use as a teaching tool.  He told us he would ask three questions on the test about this surprise item.  He then presented the class with paper plates each with a cracker.  Atop the cracker were little black balls. He then told us three things about these little dots. That day a bunch of inner city white, black, Spanish, Indian, European and every other race, creed, color religion kids, all had their introduction to caviar.  Two days later we had our test.  Some passed and some failed, but that day we got them back, he noted, "You guys all tried your best and some did better than others and that will always be the case in life. I do however want you all to know one thing though.  I gave you all a few extra points for trying the caviar, because I realize it's something scary and new."  We all laughed.  As we got set to leave the class that day, he stopped us again and smiled.  He said "Oh, and not one of you got a single question wrong on the questions about fish reproduction."  Don't remember one teacher's name from that school I went to that year, but I remember, Mr. Triantifilou or as we affectionately called him Mr. T.

The other night, while taking one of my star gazing walks, I started thinking about how I really would live my life if I ever won money.  Mine wouldn't change much at all, aside from the worry free finances, but the lives of so many others would. Some might with me making a profit, but so many would because of generosity and a planned way to help.

The Dumbest Blog Idea Ever?

I am at a loss right now, so here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to play my 21 games of Words With Friends and write a sentence using the word I play in a sentence that reflects something about me or what is going on in my life right now.  Here it goes.  It's like free writing, but slower and dumber.  The word will be capitalized.

Despite having numerous long and short term relationships, I have not asked a girl on an actual DATE since 6th grade. I have not been in any clothing STORES in over a year. I'm GLAD to be back teaching my kids again.  Cablevision is charging me a $200 FEE for letting my cable get shut off and not returning the box.  Sometimes I TOUT myself as a movie expert, but I'm ashamed to, as I've never seen Gone with the Wind. Do re mi fa so la ti do used to be do re mi fa so la SI do and is a song from one of my favorite movies.  People usually say women do it most, but I can GAB with the best of them. Nobody ever refers to me as an average JOE.  For about five years, I owned a stock that was waiting for it's huge nickel LODE to be mined and it never happened and the stock is worthless.  I think to believe in known gods is the equivalent to believing in a KA, because neither can be proven.  I know ORA means something with mouth, but I don't know what it is exactly, which I should, because I use mine so often.  People tell me blue shirts bring out the color in my eyes, but that I look best in RED.  Even as a child, I would never step on an ANT on purpose.  When I was making breakfast for my grandmother, I would always loosen the LIDS a little before giving her the apple butter and raspberry jam, so she didn't have to ask for help  I honestly believe they need to ENACT a law to allow any two people to marry regardless of any factors.  I know that women have it harder in the work place, but as a MAN today, I think we have it much harder in almost every other facet.  I don't know if I could do it for too long, but I've gone on FASTS for as many as 60 hours in the past years.

Well the game is over.  Pretty shitty if you ask me...but I wasn't feeling creative, but felt the need to write something.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The People of Facebook

The people who tell you that you need to exercise the most, are usually the people I find to be socially inept.

The people who complain the most about their health seem to have tons of other issues too.

The people who say how happy they are constantly usually don't seem that happy in person.

The people who complain the loudest about political posts, wouldn't be able to have a conversation about it.

The people who post motivational posts the most are usually single.

The people who quote famous people constantly, very rarely have anything interesting to say.

The people who throw up pictures of their materialistic items are single or unhappily married

The women who post humorous original posts are almost all happily married with kids.

The men who post humorous original posts are almost all single and live alone.

The women who "check-in" are almost all married in a healthy relationship.

The men who "check-in" are almost all single or cheating.

The women who are married and only show pics of their kids and friends, seem happily married.

The men who are married and only show pics of their kids and friends, seem to be unhappily married.

The women who complain about work constantly seem to have other issues dwelling.

The men who complain about work are just counting down the time to the game.

Women almost never show pictures of what they had for dinner if their husband's cooked something special.

Men always show pictures of what they had for dinner if their wives cooked something special.

Women who criticize your status as being dumb or annoying, usually have nothing to add.

Men who criticize your status as being dumb or annoying,  know they won't win an argument with you.

Women who post how lucky they are to have someone, haven't always been treated that way by him.

Men who post how lucky they are to have someone, are used to being treated that way.

Women who ask for help with a problem for something minor are really asking to be taken care of.

Men who ask for help with a problem for something minor are really admitting they're clueless.

...and just so nobody thinks I'm an egotistical know-it-all, I can turn that mirror at myself

When I post about my late night walks and trips to get toilet paper, I wish I wasn't alone.

When I post that a movie touched me or made me cry, I want people to know I'm serious too.

When I say I can't sleep, you have no idea what it's like

When I say I am in pain, you have no idea how much for me to complain.

When I talk about politics, it's simply because I need stimulation, because most people are dull.

When I make fun of reality TV, I'm really saying how pathetic it is that our world has lost it's self respect.

When I talk about "my kids" at the school, read it with the knowledge, this is the happiest time of my day.

When I post a meme, it's because I think it is funny or thought provoking.  It makes you think.


When I post something that goes on and on, it's because something in my life is telling me to let it out.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Free Writing - Take Three

Things I Thought About While Walking Through The Woods

The two people I talked to the most a year ago, I haven't talked to in over six weeks.  I haven't had moussaka, sauerbraten, brisket or stuffed cabbage since my mother died.  I drank wine every night with dinner at my father's house and haven't had a glass since.  I haven't bought new sneakers in over two years...although I did buy two pairs at once that time.  I haven't worn socks in so long it would be weird.  The thrill I get from working with kids, is almost an adrenaline rush.  I forget how depressed I get in the summer. People don't understand how painful it was for me to walk those 3-4 miles today.  I haven't watched a TV show in a long time.  I'm better for it.  I can't think of things to write lately that are happy and that sometimes pisses me off.  Perfect weather for me is 60 degrees during the day and 30 at night. I meant to treat myself to a sweet today and then I bought hummus instead.  I forgot to buy anything to put it on though.  Sometimes when I cook and something comes out bad, I completely try to change it - tonight it worked out well.  Inadvertently found out someone blocked me from Facebook and when I asked them why they weren't on it anymore, they said they were.  Well I'm outta time and thoughts.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Pre-Debate Mini Rant

Everyone knows I'm passionate about this race and have been very vocal about who I am not supporting.  What people don't know is I'm not the biggest Obama fan.  When he was running, I warned many that this man literally promised everything under the sun and anyone who knows anything about politics knows that getting stuff done in four years is difficult.  What he then went on to do was attack all these promises.  Some were things he knew he had to compromise on to have bigger issues go a little easier.  Some he dropped the ball on.  Now here is what's astonishing.  Most he's actually accomplished or is in the process of accomplishing.  The one thing he did not accomplish was lowering the deficit.  This should have been of no surprise.  The day he announced the extension of the Bush Tax cuts, he had sealed this fate.

In the past few weeks we've seen a tape of Romney praising the inhuman of Chinese factory workers, belittling nearly half of Americans and lying to the American public about what he is going to do.  We've seen Paul Ryan, who is one of this country's biggest deadbeat politicians, make a mockery of everything from women's issues to voting laws.  This last episode, where he pretended to wash dishes, was a slap in the face to all the wonderful people who do this for real. 

I am angry.  I'm also sad.  I've been debating this for a long time now and let's all be honest and stop with the "I hate Obama because of the deficit" bullshit.  Anyone with an ounce of intelligence understands that nearly 80% of his deficit is Bush's wars, Bush's taxes and the carryover of Bush's recession.  If you don't know this, you're stupid.  If you don't believe it, you're a liar or too lazy to educate yourself.  These are the facts.  

I am angry, because I see that hint of racism in so many posts.  So many comments, especially recently have become more an more race oriented.  It's one thing I won't tolerate and a major reason I've taken a little time off with the open discussions.  People use their faith, their upbringing and their backgrounds to try and cry foul, but the reality is, this man is a likable man, while Romney is about as despicable as I've encounter in politics and that says a lot.  The bottom line is, if Obama was white, this race would have been over months ago.  Half the people in this country are against gay marriage.  The same half is against universal health.  The same half is against welfare, yet many of these same people are on it.  This same half is against everything that allows equality.  Why?  Well, maybe it's because they aren't for equality.  Our founding fathers weren't for equality.  They were for the equality of rich land owners. Plain and simple.  

Here's how you know someone is a closet racist.  When they say awful things about the man and when you ask if it's because of the color of his skin, they reply with "He's only half black."  He's a human.  Why does it matter?  

Nothing that happens in tonight's debate is going to change the minds of those who have made up their mind already.  For those who are still in the air, I hope they close their eyes.  Listen to the words and then think about whether or not those words were true.  If you're not sure, you have the web at your fingertips.  Use it. In November, I'm not voting for a party, a color, a certain topic or social fight.  I'm voting for the man who told the truth the most.  Who acknowledged his failures and successes and has a plan.  I would like to think, having a plan is important.  In these debates it's proved irrelevant.   I'm very scared by this.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Life - Explained

I don't really think anyone can be taken seriously when they say they have life figured out, because it's too vast to comprehend. That being said, I'm gonna give it a shot.  Let the eye rolling commence.

Life is basically about us wanting stuff.  When we are born we want nourishment and affection.  It's an innate desire that we crave things and babies are proof.  As we get a little older, we desire to have all the things everyone else has.  We learn greed through not having this or that and it upsets us to see others with the things we want.  As we enter our teen years, we want to be adults so badly, most of us never take time to cherish this time.  It's a time of many firsts.  Most of us experiences our first kisses and sexual experiences. Our first time getting drunk and/or high.  Our first time staying out late.  Our first time driving.  And almost all of us experience the ups and downs of love, or that which we think is love.  It's a strange time, because during all of this, all we want is to be older and do the things adults do, meanwhile, all they want is to be back in their younger years.

After high school, we start to want money more than anything.  We work or go to school with the hopes of having enough money to buy things.  Most of us are foolish with these new found riches and waste them on materialistic vices.  The smart ones save their money, but even they at times, give in to whatever their pleasures are.  We then start a strange time where we not only desire companionship, we physically need it.  We start to worry about being the crazy cat lady or the sad guy by himself at the movies and do anything to become involved so that we may have a family.  Almost everyone thinks their life will turn into something magical when they start their own families and in many cases it is true.  It's not always what we really wanted deep down and this ends, in many cases, badly.

After a certain age, we are comfortable enough and we accept our lives, but we never stop wanting more or at least, something better.  Some stray from their husbands and wives, in an attempt to gain something they feel they are missing. Some coach sports in an attempt to relive past success or to live vicariously through others, in an attempt to reclaim youth.  Some get plastic surgery or liposuction to look more like they did in their 20's. Some become religious because they feel a need to fill a void in their lives.  Some stray from religion, because they feel it has betrayed them.  Some sadly, just give up.  We all find things, whatever it may be, to fill that unexplained part of our life.  Some have kids to do that for them, but all the while they want something internally. We all have that selfish part of us, regardless of how much we hide it.

Then there comes a time when we want to retire.  We want all the years we've slaved away to pay us back with some mystical life of leisure.  We want to see our kids and grand kids successes and we want to have those magical times.  For many, health is an issue and they only want more time.  When my mother was dying she wanted one thing and that was to see my brother graduate.  She was too ill at the time to attend and it crushed her.  She died a few weeks later.  All she ever wanted was to be healthy again. It's all I wanted too.

There is no point in life where we are not wanting.  It's our sole purpose of living.  There is not one day that goes by in any of our lives where we are not in need of something.  For some the simple act of buying some clothes fulfills this inherit need and for some, helping someone across the street makes their day.  This constant desire to have more of whatever it is that individual wants is what drives us.  Even when the act isn't selfish by nature, our craving of these things control us.  Control our happiness and our ability to live.  We are born into this world with an immediate need for love and a desire to never be left alone.  We leave this world with that same desire and for many, a hope that there is more to follow.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Free Writing - Take Two

Searching for a random topic is tough.  Maybe anyone who reads this could suggest one.  I decided to go to twitter and had decided to take the seventh letter of the seventh tweet and make it my topic.  The word was fucking, so I'll pass for now with that method.  I then glanced down and saw the word fear.  I'm going to stick to five minutes on this one.


Fears are silly unless of course they could be a reality.  I do not fear death. I honestly do not. I know in my heart it is the end, but I don't have fear. I fear wind.  Not your average, blow a paper bag wind, but the wind that makes stop signs shake feverishly.  I fear my imminent doom in these situations.  It's silly, I know this, but this is how I will die. A freak decapitation from a stop sign or even worse, a parking sign.  I used to fear the dark. A nightlight illuminated my room, just enough. Then again I had a closet with no door. Were my parents fuckers or making me strong. Id' like to think there was a thought process.  I have almost drowned twice as a child.  I do not fear drowning, despite it being a terrible way to go.  Reading about drowning is awful. Then again, reading about it means the person lived.  I fear being alone, but only at times.  Sometimes I love it. Fear for me is a matter of weakness.  A thought that you can't overcome. I've felt fear and whether you face it or run, it goes away.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Free Writing - Take One

Someone suggested I try this approach to writing, so I'm gonna give it a wing.  Always thought it was a bit silly back in school and nothing wonderful or profound came of it, but then again, maybe I was not taking it seriously.  I needed a topic so I took the title of the movie I just watched as a topic.  I'm going to type for five minutes and see what happens.

A Cabin In The Woods

The movie was awful, but the idea is great.  Not the idea for the silly movie, but the actual cabin.  I've been thinking a lot about the cabin my parents had when I was a child.  How I'd love to go back there now.  A stove to warm the house. Limited electric if any.  A full wall made of nothing but glass to look out over the meadow and down on the pond.  I want a place like that.  I don't know if it's the Unambomber in me or the fact that I need to distance myself from the daily nuisance that is humanity.  Free writing or is this my manifesto in the making?  No, I'm not that angry, but close.  Today someone pissed me off, but maybe it's me.  Maybe I need this cabin.  The solitude.  Maybe I need to sit beneath a tree.  To gaze at deer from pond.  Maybe it's the rare traveler who crosses my path I seek and not those I see daily.  I have feelings for people, but none keep me here.  I'm never truly happy anymore.  I go through the days as if they are a chore.  There were times I woke up ready to grab hold of some mythic event.  Something that would make a difference.  Now it's merely memories of better times.  Skipping rocks and looking for lightning bugs.  Maybe that wasn't me.  Maybe it's all a dream of a better time.  I think I remember it but it's so vague.  I think a cabin would be nice.  To sit every morning and look at the dew glistening in the grass.  Coffee and some eggs.  Nothing really meaningful to worry about but what to listen to as the sun goes down.  A cabin in the woods would be perfect

Friday, October 5, 2012

Quick MLB Playoff Blog

Back in April I predicted the division winners would be Yankees, Tigers and Rangers in the AL.  I was one game away from nailing all three teams.  Oakland beat out Texas by one game.  I did not have Oakland or Baltimore as my wild card teams however.  In the National League, my division winners were Philly, St. Louis and Arizona.  Philly and Arizona were bums this year and St. Louis backed into the final playoff spot thanks to the Dodgers implosion.  The Wild card teams are The Giants and Braves and I correctly predicted both of them.  So out of 10 possible playoff teams, I not only had half of them correct, but four in the positions they came in.  I'll take that every time.

In my original playoff predictions, I had Detroit beating Tampa Bay to make the World Series. I still believe the Tigers are the team to beat, but obviously, their path will be different.  Here's my outlook for the AL Playoffs.

WC - Texas over Baltimore in one game playoff
Divisional - Detroit over Oakland in five.  Texas over New York in five.
League - Detroit over Texas in six

My April prediction had the wild card Giants over the Cardinals.  Common sense and stats say the Cardinals will not make it this far, but I'm not so sure.  So here are my thoughts for how the NL will play out.

WC- St. Louis over Atlanta in one game playoff.
Divisional - San Francisco over Cincinnati in four.  St. Louis over Washington in five.
League - San Francisco over St. Louis in five.

So I'm going with the same World Series Matchup I had made back in April. I am also going with the same outcome.  Before anyone jumps on me and tells me Tim Lincecum sucks this year, take a quick note.  He had one bad outing in his last six starts.  Matt Cain is pitching his best baseball of the year and Sergio Romo has literally given up two bad pitches in the last two months. He's lights out.  San Francisco wins a great World Series in seven games.

Rhetorical Questions Based On Facebook Statuses

Why do people threaten to unfriend people for making political posts?

It's humorous, because the people that posts these idle threats are the ones who always want you to donate to their save the whales foundation or want you to feel for them when they are sick.  Why are their lives so important to discuss, but the other 311 million people aren't?  Oh and yes, your post about the Jersey Shore premiere really struck a chord in me and had me wanting for more information as to lives of these neanderthals.

If you want people to sympathize with your problems, why are you so cryptic?

I love when I see a post, saying something along the lines of "So many worries...waiting to find out."  This is usually followed by tons of messages that pour in from best friends telling them they will call when they can.  Does any of this need to be played out on Facebook.  The other day, there was one, followed by about sixty messages with the a message about someone's pet.  Now don't get me wrong, I get the love we share with out pets, but let people know that in the message.  So many worries and waiting, implies someone is in the hospital and that causes mass concern for friends and family.  Plus, if you are a friend or family, responding on Facebook probably isn't a sign of devotion.

Why do people post their family vacation plans and the times they will be away?

Do people not realize all the loopholes their are and how easy a hacker can get your information?  So when you have pictures of your kids in your front yard and you've got your town listed, it doesn't take a genius to figure out which house is yours.  Google maps will drive them right to your door.  I'd love to know just how many break-ins are a result of this stupidity.

Why do people post political articles or quotes that aren't based on fact?

I realize we all have biases, but why do people put up things that are easily proven false?  Would they post that they are gay if they aren't?  Would they like it if someone posted they are a racist on their page just as a joke?  To me it seems silly in this day and age to post something, you know is most likely false and will raise eyebrows.  What bothers me most is when these people defend these posts and refuse to see if they are correct.  Assuming that the Internet is an omnipotent source of truth.

Why do girls post pictures where you can clearly see through their shirts, then get mad when people make comments about their boobs?

Listen, the technology in camera phones is a bizarre one, in that it has some X-ray powers.  Ladies, if you are proud of your body and your bra, more power too you, but if you're prudish, don't post.  If you don't want your male friends speaking of your cleavage, then desist the tit shots.  Your bodies are beautiful and you want us to see it, but you don't want us to comment.  Sorry to inform you, but that's why it's called a social network.  People see, comment and discuss.  Get over yourselves.

Does the weather ever really effect you unless you're driving or at an outdoor event?

I swear, I've written whole blogs on the fucking rain, because it's amazing.  It's natures shower, cleaning away the filth that we create and usually acts as a natural cooling mechanism for all of us.  I'm sorry your bumper to bumper traffic was made possible by the one jackass who didn't slow down in the wet stuff, but don't blame the rain.  I don't have a car right now and I revel my late night walks in a little drizzle. It's refreshing and makes me feel alive. Sure as hell beats the sweltering sun baking me and making me sweat.  Plus, is there anything sexier than getting caught in the rain with a loved one, coming home and stripping out of the wet clothes together.  Something usually good comes of this.

Why do people like sad statuses?

I understand our need to hang on everyone's word.  OK, I don't, but I know some people like statuses to follow them.  For some reason, my phone doesn't do that.  What I do know is that it's a disturbing trend.  It's more of our numbing to real life events.  Have you ever sat across from someone who told you their mother was diagnosed with lymphoma, had them ask you to pray for her and looked them in the eye and said "I like that."  No, because you'd be seen as a ghoul.  So why do it on Facebook.  I like my friend's kid losing his first tooth, unless of course the neighbors kid knocked it out. I like my friends getting married or meeting someone they like.  I like these things, because they are likable. I don't like hearing stories of illness or pain.  Why should anyone?

Why do so many more people comment on sad or angry posts than on happy posts?

I commented about something bad the other day and had tons of responses (and likes).  Then today, I posted that something good might happen and got a puzzled response and a joke. I received two appropriate likes, but that was it. Why are people so obsessed with other's despair?  A few months ago, someone wrote something online about finally being happy.  I shit you not, I received about six messages via Facebook and text saying they were full of shit and asking what they have to be happy about.  I looked at their page and a day or two before, it was a sad post.  The comments were all to cheer up and things will get better.  By the same fucking people sending me messages slamming this person's happiness.  It's a sad, dark world we live in.  Facebook hasn't made it better, it's proven it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Debate #1 Goes To - Al Sharpton?

Well, the long anticipated debates went off with more hitches than could have been imagined.  The moderator, Jim Lehrer was completely out of control from the get go and the debate suffered as a result.  The first topic, went approximately 13 minutes over the allotted time and the debate became a scramble for the last word, which oddly, Barack Obama was more than happy to concede.

Winners and losers in debates can be defined many ways and thus they become a subjective practice.  There have been debates which have been clear cut in the past, but there were major flaws or events in those and this debate, despite the right's desire, missed all of that.  Let's be clear. This was Obama's to lose and many people believe he did.  Style points were awarded heavily to Mitt Romney and his enthusiasm seemed to impress many viewers.

In the first 45 minutes Obama seemed almost disinterested.  He didn't have any pizazz and Romney showed a little flair.  But if you closed your eyes and didn't watch the ever-twitching conservative and only listened to his words, you witnessed a man in trouble.  A man who  constantly repeated the same things he's been saying for months that we all know are falsehoods.  And then he switched gears completely and changed his entire approach to health care and taxes in about three minutes.  Obama looked as puzzled as any American listening should have.  How does a man campaign on a premise for eighteen months and then just switch gears?  Romney did this in 1994, 2004 and again in 2008.  He's done it numerous times during this campaign and nothing will stop him.  Romney did what every guy who has ever offended their girlfriend or wife has done in a panic. He said what people wanted to hear.  In a spontaneous moment, he flat out lied and changed his entire platform in regards to health care and taxes.  If you don't believe me, look it up.  Obama, could have buried him on this, but in a moment of complete confusion, let Jim Lehrer change the subject. Obama was on the ropes and all but out.  And then this, "For eighteen months he's been running this tax plan. Now, five weeks before the election, he's saying that his bold idea is "never mind."  To me this was the moment of the debate when the towel should have been thrown in for Romney.  Obama just performed the Rope-A-Dope to perfection, but he didn't finish him. He allowed him to get up and to continue.  Why?

Cut to Al Sharpton.  After the debates, conservatives analysts were giving Romney the belt.  Liberals were confused and were hoping for a split decision.  They were furious at Obama for not finishing him.  This should have been his "get him a body bag" moment.  It wasn't based on style points and many would argue that the issues seemed to be in Romney's favor too.  And then Al spoke.  First he said "The problem is this is 2012 not 1812" and referenced we have fact checkers and the Internet and we can hit a button and hear Romney saying things that contradicted nearly everything he said this evening. This was not only comical, but sadly true, as fact checkers tore through Romney's comments coming up with less than a quarter of his utterances to be factual.  I thought it was over and then Sharpton delivered the coup de grace. "Romney made good testimony, but he will be indicted for perjury, because he was lying."

I started another paragraph so you had a chance to recover.  If this was anyone other than Al Sharpton, this would have ended the election this evening.  Imagine if Tim Russert was alive and said this?  Imagine if Chris Matthews had thought of this or Rachel Maddow.  It would be over.  It was Al and his baggage won't let this be big news.  Sure, liberal sites will eat it up, but respected media will let this become just another blip on a pretty crazy campaign trail.

I don't have any mathematical formula for who won and who lost, so I'll break it down the only way I can make sense of it.  Loosely based on how my debates in college were graded.  Each will be graded as 1/3 of the grade.

Organization and the ability to clearly state your argument
Obama - B.  I'd argue that Obama stuck to his guns and what needs to be tweaked.
Romney - D.  He argued what needed to be change, but never once explained his thoughts succinctly.

Argument and Rebuttal
Obama - C+. Obama seemed to be passive in his arguments, but his rebuttals at times were stellar.
Romney - B. His arguments were excellent, but his rebuttals lacked factual evidence.

Presentation and Style
Obama - C. I feel the passive, non-aggressive style while being so well armed was shocking.
Romney - B+.  His take charge approach was widely accepted, but his lack of respect was worrisome.

Obama C+ - his lack of attack was only saved by staying on point with factual statements.
Romney C+ - While winning the style section, his complete disinterest in factual arguments was alarming.

My feeling is that while the two debaters were pretty terrible for the most part, for completely different reasons, the real winner was the guy who got on screen and called out a man for lying and contradicting himself and trying to win on arrogance and style.  Obama casually wiped the floor with the competition in 2008, but we're seeing, he's going to have to step up his game in the next two debates.  Remember, if polls tell us anything, Obama was molding his speech to three states, which he mentioned specifically.  I don't know if he lost ground in any others, but he may not have gained any either.  This isn't finished and neither man should be overly confident.  We used to live in a country where style usually won, but this is may be a different era.  We'll see if it really is.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Deep Thoughts or Delirious?

Well, it's 6:30 in the AM and I'm still awake.  Another bought of insomnia which seemed like a passing fad while breathing the crisp Ithaca air.  So here's my second blog in the last six hours.  Just a few thoughts on this foggy Wednesday morning.

Two and a half years have passed since "Obamacare" was passed.  I'm amazed that about 90% of all democrats and independents don't know what's in it and 100% of Republicans don't care what is in it.

You know why Twitter is cool.  Since I've been on it, I've received responses from tweets from Rutger Hauer, Adam Richman and Gael Greene.  I've had a few of my tweets favorited by various comedians and some TV personalities.  I'm also followed by my favorite chef from Master Chef, Monti Carlo.  The best was having a news person ask me to call into her show.  On Facebook, I just have friends tell me to shut up.

I have watched two prime time television shows in the last three weeks.  Other than sports, I truly don't care to watch anything.  Grimm seems to have jumped the shark.  New Girl got a little stale towards the end last year.  Up All Night is hilarious, but it's 30 minutes. I can deal without it.  Only show I truly miss is Criminal Minds.

Spending two weeks with my father and grandmother made me realize how horrible it must be to live so far away from family, you'd have to fly to visit them.  As much as I want out of Westchester, I don't think I could move further away from them or my brother.

From 9am Sunday morning to 9pm Tuesday night, all I ate was a bagel with butter, a small bag of M&M Peanut, a PK Bacon Bleu burger and a can of tuna.  In the last 10 hours I've eaten an egg roll, five chicken wings, some pork fried rice, two steamed dumplings, five friend wontons and a small order of boneless spare ribs.  Did I mention I gained since September 14th?  This sucks, because I was at my lowest weight (tied with when I got out of the hospital) since about 1999.

I started my after school program on Monday.  It's been a while since I've had work and while I do get paid for this, I needed it so much.  Those hours with the kids mean so much to me.  I could feel myself smiling the entire time.  It's been a while since that's been the case.  A long while.

Today I took a cab to work. I took it back too.  A total of about eight miles round trip and it cost me $30.  $24 for the rides and $6 tip.  They raised their prices $2.  Now, I know the economy is bad, but I see these guys driving day and night and I've seen their sheets some days with 30-40 trips.  Just seems to me raising the price 20% on local trips is ridiculous.  It's also hard forking over the tip, when you know the driver is already getting about half of the money to begin with.  $2 sounds like nothing, but if I have to take the cab every trip the rest of this month it will be an additional $68 dollars and a total of $510 which will be a huge percentage of what I make from this job.  Anyone know anyone who wants to drive me.  I'll give them $50 a week for eight trips.

About three months ago I told myself to start writing something substantial.  About three months ago, I had three thoughts in my head of what to write about.  Three months later.  A blank page.  Any thoughts?

I pay roughly $110 a month to have my phone. In the past month, I've probably played 400 games of Words With Friends. Made about 100 tweets and Facebook Status updates.  I've texted about 500 times. I think I've made about 10 phone calls in that time.  Ridiculous.