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Free Writing - Take Seven

What Happened?

I need to unload my mind. Today has been depressing. Grew up in Brooklyn surrounded by blacks, Spanish, Oriental.  They were people.  My people. Today, 40 some years later, we live in a world with more hate than those days.  When did the world become this way.  Stop blaming 9/11.  I'm missing Game one of the world series, but not that sad. I am changing. Giving less meaning to sports and more to the world around me. How can I help? I donate to charity. I fight for causes, but my two cents there and ten dollars here makes as much difference as spitting into the ocean.  I'm tired. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of looking for something to do for a living that will make me happy. The kids make me happy. I'm at peace with them. One told his mom he said bad words, she applauded his honesty, but scolded his behavior.  Mom's like this get it. Another mother came in, moved a barricade I had to protect the children and didn't put it back.  Her cell phone call was too important.  She looked and laughed.  Why do people laugh when they are assholes as if it make it OK? I've been online too much today. Saw a wonderful video that brought laughter, tears and applause.  I stood in my own apartment and applauded someone's bravery.  I wish I had the opportunity to make these impressions.  I have dreams and aspirations, but they all need the one thing I don't have. Money. So much time on my hands and so little to do.  I have started thinking about moving.  Who would know?  I'm guessing I could leave tomorrow and it would be months before anyone would care. I so desire solitude. Or maybe just from my surroundings.  I'm ashamed by what I see and what I hear.  The hate resonates so loudly.  When did the word nigger become an acceptable conversation piece.  I don't use that word, so why do people feel it fine to use it while talking to me?  Surrounded by ignorance in this small minded town. a few dollars in their pockets or a house that their mommy and daddy left them.  This is what a republican is.  Democrats aren't much better, just with a little less of a pot to piss in  The hate swarming angers me.  The other day I saw and gazed at a friends family.  She's white. He's black.  Their three children are a color that can't be explained.  All I saw was five people, standing, smiling, loving. Why can't other's see through my eyes.  It pains me to my core. Sorry if I offend. Fuck you! No I'm not.  Accept or deal with it.  All you who hate, your kids will grow to hate an the cycle remains unbroken.  So sad. Ignorance breeds hate.  Hate breeds prejudice. Prejudice breeds judgement. judgement breeds violence. Violence breeds confusion. Confusion breeds ignorance.  It will never end as long as we stay ignorant, believing our gods and our ways are better than others.  I cry sometimes thinking of those who are affected. The boy who loves another boy, dragged down a dirt road.  The girl shot for wanting to go to school.  The friends I've seen slammed on the hood of cars for the color of their skin, while getting milk at the store for their mother who works 16 hour days to feed them. I'm worried about missing the world series and burning my microwave popcorn as women are raped, children are starving and people are subjected to violence for the color of their skin or the god the pray too.  Is it wrong to hope the Mayans are right?  Maybe the next beings will get it right.  Obviously, we're never going to.

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