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Free Writing - Take Five

I've been giving myself themes for this free writing experiment, but the reality is, that takes the free part out.  Sure I get off topic and that is the point, but I'm gonna try true free writing right now.  For the next ten minutes I'm just going to write whatever pops in my head.

Right Here, Right Now

We spend so much dwelling on the past. The movie I watched is about a man in his 80's looking to get better.  I wish I had that drive. I don't and I know it. I spent the day looking at pictures of beauty, surrounded by empty walls. An awful thought, I was jailed. Imagine the horror, but I self impose such sanctions on myself daily. I want to go somewhere do something be someone. anything I/m  not doing now I want to do, but the limitations are endless not the possibility are endless.  I don't like cliches, but I just wrote one. Fuck it.  I want something so silly, so unattainable, but whatever.  That s what is called desire. Once we get it we lose interest.  we're a stupid species aren't we.  I want to walk somewhere, feet bare in the grass. I don't care if it's 50 degrees, I don't care if it's cold. I remember last year, the snow on Halloween. Power out, snow falling a burned out compressor above my head on fire. I took off my shoes and walked in the snow. A wire dangling a few feet away.  The crunch of the snow in the quiet night was heavenly.  The live wire, feet away. Who knows if it was live, it makes the story better.  I sit her, been up since 6pm.  Slept for about three hours in the middle of the afternoon. Nothing to do, no money. Time slowly ticks when you have nothing to do. I looked at pictures of nature. It's why people believe in God and why they can't imagine that everything is caused by nature.  nature takes time and we're so impatient. I'm patient to a fault. Waiting for something grand to happen.  I can't push nature, but can push myself like Jiro.  There is a craving I have, for a donut maybe or maybe a trip.  friends are leaving my the day. Are they or were they ever. I criticize everyone, but I don't mean harm...those I care about I want more from and for.  I don't care about the average Joe, the pat on the back kiss on the cheek friends. I want someone I wasn't with tonight to have happiness. I think about others constantly, but my comments are not always taken in context.  I miss my mother.  She'd know what to do.  I miss everything about my childhood.  Walking out the door and seeing white and black and Spanish and Indian and I now live in this chlorinated world that makes me sick. I fight for what I believe while nobody else cares.  I don't know why I do it anymore. The world is a lost cause.  Is it wrong to hope the Mayans are right?  maybe I should start celebrating like Prince was singing about.  Maybe we all should, but down our fears and our hate and play it out and see if they're right. Imagine dying while holding all that hate in. I want sushi - now.

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