I started writing a blog about the relevance of profound quotes by Dr. Seuss and how they relate to my life. The monotony and the repetition became painful enough to scrap the idea. I start again with realizations. Realizations about my life, my situation and my future.
I've come to the realization that life is very precious. I recently lost a friend to suicide. I won't lie to over-dramatize our friendship for effect. I will be honest. I was friends with her on Facebook and knew her when I was a counselor at a camp. Her younger brother was in my first group about 15 years ago. When I first met her she was about 14 maybe. She was 28 when she died. I don't know how she was as an adult, other than that she was beautiful, successful and charitable. I believe she was in a relationship and I believe she appeared to all, to be happy. I know no difference and other than my condolences, that is all the contact I have. I think about my life and how awful it is recently. I think about how her appeared. I realize happiness is never about money or success. It's about something impossible to explain. She was a driven girl, most likely never satisfied. The opposite of me. I'm not condoning my lifestyle, but I've never been one to get to uptight about things. It's a flaw and a blessing. I've been in car accidents and never had my heartbeat rise. There is good and bad to these things. All I know is that when I heard she died, something clicked inside me. I wished I had run into her a week before. Told her how wonderful she looked and how great it was to see her success. Anything. We all do. Would it have mattered? No. In the end, we're all going to take whatever the path we choose my be, no matter how self destructive. It's all about how we're wired. Sadly, I won't be able to see the next smiling pick she posts. None of will.
I stayed at home all weekend. I realized how lonely that can be. It's one thing to stay home on a Tuesday night, but Friday through Sunday is another thing. I had contact with the outside world, but mostly via the Internet. The sad universe where everyone with nothing to do converges for hours on end, to tell everyone else what they will do tomorrow. It dawned on me that in the past week, I've had physical contact with two friends. Two! I had three phone conversations all week with people that didn't want my money. All three were family. I received texts from a handful of people, but only one asked what I was doing and wanted to hang out. I received a text from an "ex" who had been a big part of my life as a friend, but we stopped talking. I got her text and it was another realization. I don't care anymore. It's not to say I don't care about her. I don't care about us. I wish her well, but I realize we're not friends anymore and at a specific moment, it clicked. I'm glad, I needed it to. Out friendship had become a destructive force in my life and I needed it gone. I'm not laying blame at all, but realized it was over.
I realized also how petty people have become. I realized that the four people I talked to the most, exactly one year ago, I no longer associate with at all. I realize that those people never really meant much to me, with the exception of one. I realize that in my quest to get away from monotony, I opened myself up to lying, cheating and dishonesty, which isn't in my nature. A friend made a joke about me the other day, in complete jest and I had to point out, that while I seem to be flippant at times, do not mistake that for a lack of loyalty. If I like you, I will go to bat for you. I will help you in any way I can. If I love you, I will never betray that trust. I will make mistakes, but don't look at that as my lack of feelings, but merely my human side. I argue with those that I find worth my time. I would never waste one second arguing with someone I didn't care for, because honestly, their opinions don't interest me.
Today I was chatting with someone online and I realized how hard it is to make things work. We all have our personalities and our vices. We all have our quirks and our beliefs. It's tough for two people, let alone a family to work. The people I talk, text, chat and argue with now aren't my best friends in the world. Those people I rarely talk to, with the unspoken knowledge we'll always be there for each other. I've found that isn't always the case either. The people I'm with now all lend something to my life it is lacking. I have friends who talk sports, who talk food or movies. I have friends I can share this and that with and vice versa. I have a lot of friends who make up one friend. I have friends I wish I knew more intimately, both male and female. I wish I knew what they are all about, because I only know that little bit they show. I have friends whose families I want to know. I want to understand why they are so lucky or if they really are. I want to know why they love this or that and where it comes from. I know where the things I love come from and that's what I crave from them. I have friends who I see as beautiful people with absolutely no sexual attraction and there are those who take my breath away, some by their physical beauty and some by their minds or their sense of humor. I have some who I see all three in. I've come to the realization that it's not always taking the bull by the horns, but watching and listening. Talking and learning. I've dove into so many friendships and relationships over the past few years and they are all fleeting, but the new ones are ones I want to keep. I want to be old bullshitting about the Yankees and Red Sox. I want to talk about how to braise the meat for a bolognese. I want to have someone send me information they think I might be interested in or the friend who sends me the dumb shit so I can roll my eyes and they can tell me they'll try harder next time.
I hate cliches and I'll never seize the day again. I've seized it too may times and I look what I've gained versus what I've lost and it's not even close. I've gained brief moments of fun and happiness and traded it for months worth of lost time. I've realized I need to watch and listen, to observe and to stop jumping into the first situation that looks like a fun time. I'm not 24, I'm 42. I need to start picking and choosing, those who I want to grow old with. Those people, who I can count on to sit and reminisce and have things to reminisce about. Those fleeting moments with those long gone, will never be in my memories, but when the people I'm reminiscing with are breaking bread together and drinking wine, they'll be memories worth having.
I've come to the realization that life is very precious. I recently lost a friend to suicide. I won't lie to over-dramatize our friendship for effect. I will be honest. I was friends with her on Facebook and knew her when I was a counselor at a camp. Her younger brother was in my first group about 15 years ago. When I first met her she was about 14 maybe. She was 28 when she died. I don't know how she was as an adult, other than that she was beautiful, successful and charitable. I believe she was in a relationship and I believe she appeared to all, to be happy. I know no difference and other than my condolences, that is all the contact I have. I think about my life and how awful it is recently. I think about how her appeared. I realize happiness is never about money or success. It's about something impossible to explain. She was a driven girl, most likely never satisfied. The opposite of me. I'm not condoning my lifestyle, but I've never been one to get to uptight about things. It's a flaw and a blessing. I've been in car accidents and never had my heartbeat rise. There is good and bad to these things. All I know is that when I heard she died, something clicked inside me. I wished I had run into her a week before. Told her how wonderful she looked and how great it was to see her success. Anything. We all do. Would it have mattered? No. In the end, we're all going to take whatever the path we choose my be, no matter how self destructive. It's all about how we're wired. Sadly, I won't be able to see the next smiling pick she posts. None of will.
I stayed at home all weekend. I realized how lonely that can be. It's one thing to stay home on a Tuesday night, but Friday through Sunday is another thing. I had contact with the outside world, but mostly via the Internet. The sad universe where everyone with nothing to do converges for hours on end, to tell everyone else what they will do tomorrow. It dawned on me that in the past week, I've had physical contact with two friends. Two! I had three phone conversations all week with people that didn't want my money. All three were family. I received texts from a handful of people, but only one asked what I was doing and wanted to hang out. I received a text from an "ex" who had been a big part of my life as a friend, but we stopped talking. I got her text and it was another realization. I don't care anymore. It's not to say I don't care about her. I don't care about us. I wish her well, but I realize we're not friends anymore and at a specific moment, it clicked. I'm glad, I needed it to. Out friendship had become a destructive force in my life and I needed it gone. I'm not laying blame at all, but realized it was over.
I realized also how petty people have become. I realized that the four people I talked to the most, exactly one year ago, I no longer associate with at all. I realize that those people never really meant much to me, with the exception of one. I realize that in my quest to get away from monotony, I opened myself up to lying, cheating and dishonesty, which isn't in my nature. A friend made a joke about me the other day, in complete jest and I had to point out, that while I seem to be flippant at times, do not mistake that for a lack of loyalty. If I like you, I will go to bat for you. I will help you in any way I can. If I love you, I will never betray that trust. I will make mistakes, but don't look at that as my lack of feelings, but merely my human side. I argue with those that I find worth my time. I would never waste one second arguing with someone I didn't care for, because honestly, their opinions don't interest me.
Today I was chatting with someone online and I realized how hard it is to make things work. We all have our personalities and our vices. We all have our quirks and our beliefs. It's tough for two people, let alone a family to work. The people I talk, text, chat and argue with now aren't my best friends in the world. Those people I rarely talk to, with the unspoken knowledge we'll always be there for each other. I've found that isn't always the case either. The people I'm with now all lend something to my life it is lacking. I have friends who talk sports, who talk food or movies. I have friends I can share this and that with and vice versa. I have a lot of friends who make up one friend. I have friends I wish I knew more intimately, both male and female. I wish I knew what they are all about, because I only know that little bit they show. I have friends whose families I want to know. I want to understand why they are so lucky or if they really are. I want to know why they love this or that and where it comes from. I know where the things I love come from and that's what I crave from them. I have friends who I see as beautiful people with absolutely no sexual attraction and there are those who take my breath away, some by their physical beauty and some by their minds or their sense of humor. I have some who I see all three in. I've come to the realization that it's not always taking the bull by the horns, but watching and listening. Talking and learning. I've dove into so many friendships and relationships over the past few years and they are all fleeting, but the new ones are ones I want to keep. I want to be old bullshitting about the Yankees and Red Sox. I want to talk about how to braise the meat for a bolognese. I want to have someone send me information they think I might be interested in or the friend who sends me the dumb shit so I can roll my eyes and they can tell me they'll try harder next time.
I hate cliches and I'll never seize the day again. I've seized it too may times and I look what I've gained versus what I've lost and it's not even close. I've gained brief moments of fun and happiness and traded it for months worth of lost time. I've realized I need to watch and listen, to observe and to stop jumping into the first situation that looks like a fun time. I'm not 24, I'm 42. I need to start picking and choosing, those who I want to grow old with. Those people, who I can count on to sit and reminisce and have things to reminisce about. Those fleeting moments with those long gone, will never be in my memories, but when the people I'm reminiscing with are breaking bread together and drinking wine, they'll be memories worth having.
Comments
Post a Comment