Saturday, May 31, 2014

Random Thoughts at 6:45am

Funny how pain can keep me from doing so much, but that dog walked at least three times a day, yet today, the first real day with no responsibilities, I literally couldn't get out if bed without holding onto something.

 I think I have to politely cut ties with a few folks on Facebook, before my comments hit too close to home.

Expecting money that hasn't come is a horrible feeling. Second only to owing people money. Having both circumstances present at the same time is borderline traumatic.

People who call me stupid on social media have no idea what I would do should they seriously say it to me in person. It's the only word I won't tolerate.

The last three days has been my dream weather, but I anticipate hating this summer.

I have no kiddies to work with until October. That reality crushes me every year.

I used to be able to read people so well, but this flood of disingenuous behaviour amongst people I know is proving to be more complex than I'm willing to spend time on.

It may sound like no big deal, but it's been 8 1/2 days since I've had a sip of alcohol.  Sadly, the reason I don't miss it more pathetic than the fact it's the longest stretch this year.

For the second time in my life, I'm actually scared about the future. Maybe that deserves more than a sentence. Maybe it deserves more attention. Maybe it deserves nothing.

It's 7am and I'm just going to sleep. For how long, depends on the decency of my neighbors!

I really wish I had a roommate, girlfriend or pet right now. Or a pickle.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Free Writing - Take 43

Curl up at the edge of the bed, like a devoted dog. A blanket that laid on the floor of a Dusty closet above me. The smell of fresh paint tickles my nostrils. I feel sick, congested, my feet dried by this white dust. I run away, into this car at my disposal. Winding through familiar streets with unfamiliar stores. I see rows of cars, but a spot in front and within minutes a taste I've craved for over a year. The best bagel in the world and for a few bites I'm relieved. Later that day, a walk, leash extended, but he halts, maybe sensing my agony. The simple pleasure of walking a fog brings pain shooting down my side. I whince and he stares back. We return up the stairs and he waits, he looks confused or is it concerned. We both drink. I collapse on the couch. Everything hurts and all he wants is to play. We play and I go to stand, falling back down. He surrenders his toy and joins me, his head resting on my thigh. He will occasionally glance up, but he's aware of my limits and I'm aware of his love. Or maybe he's just like the others, just happy with what I can give, for so little in return. I'll pretend it's love.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Free Writing - Take 42

Signaling quickly, but checking and double checking my mirrors, I enter the fray. First time behind the wheel in six months. Immediately, I pick up what's difficult to carry while walking. Toilet paper. I spend the evening in a laundromat, enjoying the perks if my freedom. Is this what life's become? I don't like the smell of the clothes. I fold them quickly and stop for a burrito. It used to be my Monday night tradition, but now that has turned into drinks and the annoyances of old men. I'm approaching that point in my life and I fight it with Coors Light and whiskey. I think about every erong decision I've ever made and Jesus it's alarming. The list is staggering in comparison to those right decisions.  School, work, women, friendships. All weighted to the side of faults. Those who love me expect a ray of sunshine to shine through onto me, but my doctor's orders to abstain act as a metaphor. The darkness suits me. It shows my best side. Hiding my fears, my suffering and my mistakes, whereas in the light, I'm a joker, a mentor a friend to those in need. I needed someone these past few months, but here in the dark, it's hard to know when anyone is really with you.

Quickie Review Double Feature - Five Deadly Venoms/Zombie

1978 & 1980 was a very different time for movies. Sexploitation was in and the violence was getting amped up, but the graphic nature of this violence was fairly behind the times. Then came a handful of horror and kung fu movies that changed all that. These two are considered cult classics and many view them as being well ahead of their time.

Five Deadly Venoms is considered by many to be the most influential kung fu movie of all time. Everyone from the Wu-Tang Clan to Quentin Tarantino has been greatly influenced by it and it was also one of the first plot driven films of the genre, with genuine acting and a huge backstory. While it's showing its age in some aspects, if you look carefully you'll see nearly every scene has been recreated in some way by others

Zombie is Fulci's masterpiece. That is not to say its that good, but it is a film with scares and some effects and makeup that were way ahead of its time. It has everything that late 70's/early 80's was known for; weak acting, see through blouses, lots of fake blood and a mad doctor, who really isn't that mad. I should add that it also contains one of the greatest scenes ever filmed underwater. It starts with an exotic beauty scuba diving topless with the smallest thong I've ever seen and ends with a shark and a zombie fighting each other.How could you go wrong?

Both films are repetitive and altogether silly, but for a nice quiet double feature day, they were perfect for some mindless entertainment.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

What is it about my life that I've become this nocturnal beast. My eyes burn in the days, but widen at night. A single window, whose blinds never open. Tiny beams are all I need. The rainy days comfort me. Hiding my red cheeked face, but maybe more. Maybe it's my desire to be left alone,  but I grasp at anything for contact. Social media occasionally embraces me, but even strangers tire of my woes. My jokes, my opinions, my thoughts are accepted as infrequently as my affection.

It's been months since I talked on the phone in the wee hours; a hobby I once did nightly.  I long for one friend, who shares this burden. I feel like my life has turned into Nosferatu's reality. Life seems like it goes on forever when you spend time alone and the moments shared seem fleeting.

I stared smiled and made a joke the other day. A stranger smiled and giggled. I looked at her soft skin, the sun shining through the window into her face. That same sun, blinded
her, I assume. Creating a sight that may even have appeared angelic, meanwhile hiding the pain, the torment and most importantly, the years. She want back to her book and I walked away. I found comfort in familiar faces that I normally would avoid. Fear, has us grab onto what we recognize.

So now I lay here at 2am, alone with those pesky thoughts. Solitude and silence are my allies or so I tell myself. I think back to a May evening, when someone said they would miss me if I left and I did and they did.  it was a good feeling to be missed. I remember laying in the darkness then, but I wasn't alone then and the light of day was my friend.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Graduation 2004

Ten years ago, I sat on a couch, watching television. My mother's frail hand in mine. Tears streaming down her face. Her pride unaffected by her disease, but her inability to travel devastated her. Two hundred miles away, a skinny, naive young man walked with others toward their future. Caps flew and celebrations began. The pain of missing this event hit her hard, but it was this very event that kept her going. Cancer would kill her, but it would not win. She spoke often about thus day, but never imagined it would be spent so far away.  "Six months," the emotionless doctor said. "Six months, my ass," she replied. Four years later, as my brother flipped his tassel and his cap flew in the air, she cried. The pain of cancer and of despair could not compete with her pride. Much like O'Henry's Last Leaf, this ceremony extended her life and just like that tossed cap, starting it's decent, she to started to tumble. Her goal had been achieved and a giant middle finger was directed at this disease. Ten years later, I feel sorrow for that day she missed, but even greater for the son who couldn't fathom how proud his mother was. So proud, she cheated death for so long. Just for him.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Memories of Tulips

Perusing instagram in a state of insomnia. So much to do, but it's 4:30am. Sleep escapes me and the sounds of a horny cat outside my window sounds like an angry mob. I happen upon the pictures of an ex-girlfriend or whatever she was. She didn't like the label or enough of me for that matter. I scroll down, passing the beautifully tattooed women, my friend's last meal and arrive at a picture that takes me back. A wrought iron fence, protecting a bunch of tulips. Always the first flowers to appear and bring back those childhood memories. The front yard of our brownstone, the ivy covered "lawn,",with a few red, yellow and white tulips poking through. The squeak of the metal as someone would enter, plucking the flowers for his beau. My parents, angry at the intrusion, the theft, the brash behavior of this youth, but the act then brought them back and the smiled and pulled each other closer. Flowers were on the table the following evening. Store bought for us to enjoy, while the tulips were saved for others, either to view or to steal. In the end it didn't really matter, in that their brief appearance, in one way or another, brought joy and hope, just like the early spring is meant to do..

Thursday, May 8, 2014

You Never Buy What?

I can't sleep, so here goes a silly blog. I've lived in my hellhole of an apartment almost ten years and despite cooking quite frequently (and eating), there are some staples I just don't buy. So here are some you might find incredibly hard to believe I haven't bought in a while.

American Cheese - 6 years
Ketchup - 8 years
Pasta - 3 times in past four years
Loaf of sliced bread - once ever, recently
Jarred pasta sauce - 7 years
Cold cuts of any kind - 4 years ago
Whole chicken - 5 years ago
Wine - 5 years ago
Pizza Pie - 8 years

And here are the real shockers
Ice cream, beer & soda - never!!!

Quickie Review - Revanche

Let me start right off the bat and explain the negatives. The movie is painful in it's editing. There is literally 20 minutes of chopping wood, 10 minutes of walking and some scenes are unnecessarily long. That being said, the story is quite simple and the actors perform brilliantly. You know from the opening credits, as a stone tossed into a lake causes multiple ripples, that this movie is going to be about how one incident changes everything. In a classic noir style, the film builds to a pivotal scene and then it is the effects on it's "victims" that make the film. There is so much to comment on, but spoilers aren't my thing. Just watch the little things, like how people speak, the distance apart and the way they react to the tiniest fluctuation of normalcy in their lives. The lack of a soundtrack makes this an almost anti-Haneke type film. 3 1/2 stars that easily could have been 4 1/2 with the tiniest bit of editing. P.S. Don't read into reviews calling this a seedy or gritty thriller. It's almost simplistic in it's approach. I've read multiple reviews that wanted closure and resolution and all I can say is that Americans have lost the ability to process. The movie ends perfectly.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Updated & Final 2014 NFL Draft Predictions

ld note that I believe these are the slots, regardless of trades

1 Jadeveon Clowney
DE, South Carolina
2 Greg Robinson
OT, Auburn
3 Sammy Watkins
WR, Clemson
4 Johnny Manziel
QB, Texas A&M
5 Mike Evans
WR, Texas A&M
6 Khalil Mack
OLB, Buffalo
7 Jake Matthews
OT, Texas A&M
8 Blake Bortles
9 Taylor Lewan
OT, Michigan
10 Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
DS, Alabama
11 Anthony Barr
12 Eric Ebron
TE, North Carolina
13 Odell Beckham Jr.
14 Zack Martin
OT, Notre Dame
15 Aaron Donald
DT, Pittsburgh
16 Kony Ealy
DE, Missouri
17 Louis Nix III
DT, Notre Dame
18 Brandin Cooks
WR, Oregon State
19 Darqueze Dennard
DC, Michigan State
20 Teddy Bridgewater
QB, Louisville
21 Ryan Shazier
OLB, Ohio State
22 Cody Latimer
WR, Indiana
23 Jarvis Landry
24 Calvin Pryor
DS, Louisville
25 Marqise Lee
26 Carlos Hyde
RB, Ohio State
27 Dominique Easley
DT, Florida
28 C.J. Mosley
ILB, Alabama
29 Timmy Jernigan
DT, Florida State
30 Martavis Bryant
WR, Clemson
31 Ra'Shede Hageman
DT, Minnesota
32 Xavier Su'a-Filo

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Realizations At 2:30am

My weight, age, limp, rosacea, grey hair and lack of fashion style all negatively affect my relations with adults socially, professionally and romantically, but somehow are all ignored by 40 children who only seem to see the good in me. It's this that keeps me going.

When friendships revolve around or become affected by money, you must really step back and look at how strong that bond really us or ever was.

The old cliche "actions speak louder than words" is never more true than when you remove yourself from a situation and are able to watch from the outside looking in. So many that I know bring about the burdens which they complain about. Myself included.

Sometimes I truly think we become so comfortable with what we assume to be true, that we ignore the other possibilities. On a very small, unimportant scale, this held true until tonight, when I ordered food for dinner. Let's just say this, after tonight,  the third best burger I've had this year was at the place claiming to have the best burgers.

From 7:00 to 10:20 tonight I sat alone at a bar. The bar was packed and I knew about 8 people inside, yet we exchanged nothing more than handshakes and pleasantries. Right next door, I assume was a bar filled with people I know well, who would have conversed openly. A beautiful young girl sat next to me and aside from asking if the seat was taken, we said nothing. She was ridiculously well endowed and received stares the entire time she was there. I thought to myself, "if I was 20 years younger," but the reality is, is have sat there quietly back then too. Despite my appearance to those that know me, my shyness is painful at times.

Last week, for the first time in a long time, I was nervous. So nervous, that my hands shook and I had problems doing something as simple as writing my name. It was terribly embarrassing and I could feel the sweat accumulating under my shirt. It was awkward, because I was unsure what the nervousness was a response to. Anger? Frustration? Helplessness? I don't know, but it made me realize how little confidence I have in certain aspects of myself and that us something new. I don't want to experience that feeling again.

It's now 2:44 and I have so much to do tomorrow and it has to happen. The pain I'm in is going to make it much more than I care to imagine. My procrastination has made it a huge project, instead of many little ones. My bad choices during the last few days have increased  the number of chores substantially. It's these types of things that makes my insomnia magnified.  I was in bed at 11pm and I've been awake since 1:30,,mentally pacing some hallway in my head. Everything is accentuated. The sound of the last train stirred me. The smell of something foreign is burning my nostrils. Every little thing is magnified and all I want is the simple pleasure of four hours of sleep, before the slamming of the door destroys the tranquility of a spring morning.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Quickie Review - The 400 Blows

I'm probably the only cinephile, who has taken film classes, appreciates cinema as an art form who didn't like this film. I greatly appreciate the techniques and subtle nuances used and recognize how many tines they've been copied since, but the story itself left me feeling empty. The pace was painful at times and with the exception of the psychological exam scene, the acting was rather mediocre. If not for the hilarious running scene early on, the aforementioned psych scene abd the escape, the movie would have a complete waste. Maybe it's my personal feelings about childhood, adulthood and acceptance that swayed me in my thoughts, but I felt the movie was nothing more than metaphor after metaphor, never giving this viewer the substance I was craving. I realize my views will be neither popular or taken seriously, but other than it's technical merits and it's age, I'm at a loss as to it's reverence.